What Should Parents Do If Their Child Is Bullied: Or is the Bully?
Image CreditAccording to many articles on bullying, children often don’t tell anyone about being bullied. You would think that they would at least tell their parents, but this isn’t always the case. Many victims feel ashamed and keep the incidents to themselves. Many also worry about how their parents will respond if they tell. So if your child approaches you, it is extremely important that you take the time to stop what you are doing and listen to them calmly.
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There are other situations where the child remains silent about being bullied. In this case the parent must be vigilant in watching for any signs that their child is acting differently. It is helpful if you know some of the signs that may show that a child is a victim of bulling. According to an article by PBSparents (http://www.pbs.org/parents/expert-tips-advice/2016/10/child-bullied) the following are signs to watch for:
- School refusal
- Frequent complaints of stomachaches, headaches and other physical complaints
- Agitation and moodiness
- Sleep disturbance (nightmares, difficulty falling asleep)
- Changes in eating habits
- Bedwetting
- Appearing sad, lonely, anxious and/or depressed with no known cause
- Avoiding peer interactions after school and on the weekends
- Talking about being alone at school
- Increased self-blame
- Feeling helpless or worthless
- Afraid of riding the school bus
- Sudden change in school performance
- Any communication about suicide (e.g. “No one would care if I wasn’t alive.”)
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It is vitally important that parents don’t assume anything too quickly. They must listen to their child without judgment. Don’t ask questions like, “Did you do something wrong?”, “Did you say something to upset the other kid?”, “Did you do something first to this person?” At this time, your child needs your total support and love. Just listen to his/her story because they don’t need to feel that it was their fault that it occurred. Many victims think they were the cause of the bullying incident.
Constantly trying not to break,
It goes on and on--day by day,
Another piece of me chiseled away.
How am I meant to put up with that?
Why is this happening to me,
I ask you nicely--set me free!
School always gives me fears.
The girls and boys scream and shout,
In this cage of worries--let me out.
I feel like I'm falling like a raindrop.
I don't think I can take much more,
0 to me 1 to you--that's the score.
Let me go, please, oh please.
Do you agree life's one big con?
Please don't look for me when I'm gone.
(https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/the-problem)
Find out all the facts of the incident(s), including type of actions that occurred (e.g. verbal, physical, social media, etc.), where did it happen, how many times did it happen, how did your child feel after the interaction, who was involved, etc. And find out if any threats were made. This should not be an interrogation type process but a gentle discussion on what happened. Parents should not over react, because this will tend to make the child more anxious.
Image CreditBefore taking any action, discuss with your child a plan on what to do about the situation. Your child should feel comfortable about the plan before implementing it. The child may choose to tell the teacher when it happens or stay with friends to feel comfortable. Parents can also meet with the teacher, administrator, or school counselor to discuss what has happened and develop a plan on how to approach this bullying situation. Parents should know the state or county laws about bullying and the schools policies.
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Some parents coach their children on how to react when confronted with a bully. In many cases the bullies tend to pick on someone to get a reaction. They usually choose students who may get upset, or those who won’t stand up for themselves or who they can overpower. So parents may teach their children to not react or to avoid the bully. This isn’t always the best solution. Parents must remember that it is the school’s responsibility to stop any reported bullying.
But the hard path is also the one that will make you grow as a human being.”
― Karen Mueller Coombs, Bully at Ambush Corner
In many cases, the victim can have a lot of built up anger and the child needs to learn methods on how to cool down by counting to 10, writing down their anger, walking away, taking deep breaths, etc. This is important because there is a trend that victims of bullying become the bully eventually, because of the unresolved anger. We have to stop this cycle of bullying.
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The most important thing is for the children to feel is that they are totally supported by their parents. They need this support to maintain their confidence after such an incident occurs. Parents can encourage their children to spend time with close friends or to join in clubs, sports or other available afterschool activities where they have fun and a positive encounter. These children must believe that their parents care and believe in them.
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On the other hand the bully may also have issues as to why he/she bullies. Sometimes the parents of the bully, isn’t aware of what is happening, until they get a call from the school principal. Usually the first reaction is to deny it but parents need to first get all the facts before drawing a conclusion. According to PBS.ord (http://www.pbs.org/parents/education/going-to-school/social/what-to-do-when-your-child-is-a-bully) they have a list of six steps for parents of a bully to follow.
Find out what happened. Parents should tap down their anger toward their child and ask the him/her to tell you in their own words what happened and his/her role in the incident. The child may blame the victim but the parent must get the child to tell only what he/she did.
Encourage empathy with the victim. This is done by asking your child to imagine himself/herself in the victim’s shoes. How would he/she feel if some did the same to him/her? This is an important step to teach the child empathy skills when young.
Have your child make restitution. Once the child takes responsibility for the incident, have him/her make amends. This may be apologizing to the other child with the presence of a counselor.
Try to get to the root cause of the bullying. Your child may not be a bad kid. Maybe he/she is struggling with something he wants. Some may want the attention or acknowledgment. Getting to the root cause is important because then you can correct the behavior with better ways of getting what he/she feels he/she needs.
Involve the school. If you believe that your child is a bully, you need to get help from the school to help watch his/her behaviors and to report back to you so you can learn and correct those behaviors.
Be a role model. Children often mimic their parents behaviors so it is important to do a self-assessment of behaviors at home. Maybe you showed extreme emotions on the phone or had an argument with someone in the house. They all can influence a susceptible child.
and believes in them, they will love themselves,
they will become better people, and
many will even become saviors to the bullied.”
―Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
As stated so many times, all children matter. We need to help our children grow and live in a happy and safe environment. As parents we need to take the responsibility of our children’s behavior with others and also to support them when they have challenging life issues. Children need their parents’ love, support and guidance. Parents, teachers and friends and family need to work together to stop bullying and intimidation. Let’s save our children!
Just wishing it would stop
Maybe tomorrow it will cease
Then again, maybe not
You call me hurtful name
To me it's like a prison
To you it's fun and games
But it doesn't even deserve that
Mine was once a rainbow
But you have moulded it to darkest black
There is no one I can trust
Are you proud of what you've done?
You've turned my soul into dust
A simple path I could tread
I don't want to be stuck here forever
In this endless spiral of dread.
(https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/escape-from-bullying-closed-doors)
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An important topic that needs more attention, its nice to see someone caring about it, my parents never cared at all, I could never go to anyone to get any help.
"The most important thing is for the children to feel is that they are totally supported by their parents." Very true!
@gyro because you experienced it first hand, you can help others to know what it is like. Bullying is so horrible and I truly feel that parents and the schools need to take it much more seriously. That is why I am trying really hard to bring to light all these issues that are usually hidden. It is not fair to the children or the adults who go through this horrible torment.
Really consider writing your experiences because it would be so valuable. When you do, please let me know as I would love to read about it. By standing up to this ignorance we can make an impact. I am proud that you somehow survived the ordeal but I know the scars are deep. You really can heal by writing. It has helped me.
Please take care Gyro, you do have a lot to help others!!! :D
Thanks for the kind words you obviously practice what you preach!
I have never thought about writing about it, I learnt at a very young age not to say anything when I told my mother what was going on she said you’ll just have to toughen up, end of conversation. No support nothing. So to write about it is a huge step, you have made me think about it, to help someone else may be a good incentive.
I can’t really see how my story would help any one, Im not exactly a thriving example, just someone who survived got through it, the toll it took on me has placed me in a very small life/box. I wish I had a happy ending and could help people out with a great story of success.
Thank you and I support you, Im slowly going through your other articles, I will let you know if I can work out what to write:)
Thanks and take care Cabbagepatch.
@gyro you don't have to have a happy ending to make a difference in someones life. I've learned the hard way too, that life is tough. But we who have had challenges have a story to tell so that people can learn how their cruelty can have lifetime affects on a young life.
Your story would be so helpful to others because you've been there and somehow survived. Even surviving is saying a lot. I also believe that one day you need to go beyond the cruelty of your past. Don't let these bullies win. You'll find that writing is very helpful. Even if only one person reads it, and it makes a difference, than you have won.
I believe in you just by your comments and reaching out to me with your story. You must believe in yourself first, even if your mother didn't. Telling someone to get tough is not the answer. People don't really know what it is like to be put on the receiving end and then not having any support. It's a terrible life for someone so young.
When you write your story and post it, let me know. I can always help by featuring your post/article and/or doing a writing article of bullying in a sequel post. Just tag me on any article and I will see it and read your story. I even look forward to it. Just remember to let people know how you suffered from bullying so they can stop and think twice when they see someone bullied. Please take care and I am glad you were able to tell me about what you went through. Always, Cabbagepatch :D
I also just had another thought. Many people write poetry to express their inner turmoil. You should also consider that. It doesn't have to rhyme, it just has to feel. This was just an after thought! :D
Again a beautifully worked out post, the last but not the least in this beautiful serie, loving your poem selection also, thanks, take care
Bubke thank-you once again for your wonderful comments and support. I really am so grateful that you read my article. Bullying is a real problem and we all have to take it more seriously. Last night I decided to do one more post which is cyberbullying, a much more horrific affront on children. The reason for this change in my plans was I felt this area also needed to be written about and brought to the attention of others. Thank-you so much for your wonderful presence! :D
This is such an important topic cabbagepatch and parents really do need help navigating through this issue and how to best recognize and help their kids who, as you point out, may not always say anything.
Thank-you @eyeofthestorm. You always have such insightful comments which are always a blessing. Thank-you as always for your support. Bullying has always been something that I wanted to bring to the forefront because I know the damage it does. My next post will be about cyberbullying which is even more horrific. Again, thank-you so much for everything! :D
This post has received a 1.04 % upvote from @drotto thanks to: @banjo.
I am hoping that a child will be happy.It is a post necessary for problem solving.Thank you @cabbagepatch:)
Thank-you Yoshiko! I had a friend who was very hurt by the constant bullying he received while going to school. It is a subject that I felt I needed to write about. Too many children have been permanently damaged by bullying so it is important. I'm writing for Steemiteducation so my subject matter has been leaning toward educating the parents, teachers and public. I appreciate your support! Thank-you! :D
I have some experience with my children being bullied. I hold the parents of the bully responsible, as well as the school to an extent. I've found the best way is to confront the bully and their responsible persons. Unless they happen to be a diabolical simpering student.7
I can understand how you must feel when your own children have been bullied. I had a very dear friend while growing up who went through a lot. We always stood up for him but some bullies will go to any extent to destroy their victim. The schools have to take this issue much more seriously and hopefully the government will enact more stricter laws and hold the parents more accountable. Because many bullies have been bullied themselves is why we need to also help those who have so much built up anger. Their parents have to take the responsibility for their children and work with the school. Unfortunately some bullies come from very unstable families so the bullying is perpetuated by the parents. Thank-you for your comments. I hope your children are doing better from their unfortunate experience. Again, thank-you!
Bullying has become a big problem in Japan. The care of bullied people is really important. My family is doing an elementary school teacher, but it seems that people who have been bullied suffer from having a cause for themselves. So speaking in the first lesson seems to teach all students that teasing is 100% bad for bullying. Thank you for sharing.
Thank-you so much Kinakomochi! Bullying is very hard to deal with but somehow, we as a society have to join forces and teach the children the meanness that they do by teasing, excluding and taunting can be so painful and detrimental to their victims. My hope is that people will take more effort to educate their children and that the schools have more power to enforce no bullying rules. I've decided to do one last article on cyberbullying because that is even worse than regular bullying. Appreciate all your support and comments Kinakomochi. Thank-you for everything!!! :D
In Japan, when a child who commits suicide by bullying comes out, the school side often hides the fact of bullying. In order not to cause such things, I think that it is important to decide in advance the rules for bullying and the authority of the school.
I agree with you. We shouldn't hide this because then the problem will grow even bigger. Schools should have a policy of dealing with bullying. Again, thank-you for your comments. I deeply appreciate it!
I agree Kinakomochi. Teasing is hurtful and very cruel. Thank-you for your comments!
Nice,
Shared this article over here:
http://www.steemlearn.com/2017/08/cyber-bulling-what-should-parents-do-if.html
Thanks.
Again @krishmadampath, thank-you for spreading the word about bullying. As I stated earlier, it is a horrible experience for anyone to go through. Thank-you so much for spreading the word by posting my article. I wish you much happiness and joy! :D
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