Patchwork families - how they grow together

What sounds rather unfriendly in German, reads in English much friendlier: The stepfamily - or just patchwork family has long been socially acceptable and today the third most common family type in Germany. It takes five years on average for the "subfamilies" to grow together.

The term patchwork family appeared for the first time in 1990 in the translation of an American educational book - today the term stands for the many variations on families that are possible and is also a sign of the times: our society is constantly moving and this development is spared too our children are not.

Classic problems in the patchwork family

Different ideas of education, claims to possession of one's own child, sympathies and antipathies are common pitfalls. They make it hard for individual members of the new family to grow together. The idea of ​​the beautiful, new family that many couples so hopefully cherish can quickly shatter on exaggerated expectations; unclear relationship hierarchies do the rest. But those who know the pitfalls of everyday life in the patchwork family and brace themselves in advance have good chances to create a nice and harmonious family cohesion for themselves and their children. Especially at the beginning, and even before moving into the shared apartment, there are many questions for the partners: How does one behave when one's own child does not respect one's partner? How do you deal with jealousy? How do you make it possible for all children to get their rights? There are no universally valid rules for this. However, mindfulness of oneself and others, clear rules and many conversations with the partner are helpful and a good foundation for the adventure patchwork family.

Stay realistic!

When the first ideas come up that you could join together, everything is wonderful and you make the most beautiful plans. The relationship will be perfect, living together, of course, and of course you will make no distinction between his own and the stepchildren. Such ideas may be great, but ultimately excessive expectations of relationship and future life lead to unnecessary stress. Of course it should be great and it can really, but only if the current state and your own past are taken into account. Set your goal to grow together into a big and happy family in manageable portions, set intermediate goals that you can achieve as well, and focus on the now.

Where it comes to the dispute often

It's such a nice idea: Finally family again, finally a partner and a happy home - you do not think about problems here. But as with any family start-up, issues remain in the background. Anyone who knows them before, can avoid many a cliff and not let conflicts emerge:

Differences in the daily routine: Do not trivialize the difficulties that can arise when you and your partner have very different rhythms in life. That's a problem when you contract as a couple. If children are involved, there can be a fight here: The organization of life becomes complicated and puts everyone under stress. Nutrition issues, educational standards, bedtime - all this can mutate into a point of controversy and must be discussed.
Rivalry among children: Children do not always find the new family as great as their parents. Even though it's cool to have new playmates - the kids need to get used to each other, prioritize and resolve conflicts.

Also the expartners can intervene between the happy family. For example, when it comes to visiting arrangements for the children or a relationship that has not yet been completely concluded.
There is only one way of dealing with these hurdles: to speak openly and make clear arrangements that everyone can live with. Larger children should be involved in the discussions from a certain point - so if the partners have clarified the fundamentals.

Children and changes

Children usually do not like changes. If these come too fast and in too clenched form, they are often irritated and quickly switch to stubborn. Especially when they feel taken by surprise and faced with the facts of the past, they can become stubborn or even depressed. This is true for small, as well as for large children. The little ones become funny when they are too abruptly thrown out of their usual rhythm of life, having to renounce rituals and familiar things. The grown-ups feel ignored and feel like their lives are breaking down over them.

Everyone needs his place

"It will all work out somehow." Anyone who stumbles into the patchwork family with this attitude increases the likelihood of failure. Because there is a lot to clarify. What is often overlooked is also that the stepparents are usually no substitute parents: The children of the partner already have a mother or a father and need in their opinion usually no second. So the relationship to the stepchild must be redefined. In addition, children often regard an excessive affection for the new partner as a betrayal of the mother. This often results in incomprehensible aversion and hostility. This can be avoided if, as a step-parent, one builds a respectful and friendly relationship - of course with the appropriate authority, but not with the same emotional demands as in the parent-child relationship. When a deep affection develops, so much the better. As a matter of course, one should not assume that.

Each patchwork family is its own organic entity, in which a variety of difficulties and movements occur. Those who recognize the classic traps beforehand, may even have the chance to use less than the average five years to grow together to a real family.