Accepting stepparents and moving forward - Tips for teens
So you have survived the divorce your parents went through and just when you think everything is going to work out and the dust has settled, one of your parents decides to get married again.
Just the idea makes your skin crawl because now you are going to have a stepparent and if you have ever seen a Disney movie you just know that that never works out well..... nobody needs a stepmom or stepdad.
It does not have to be like that and if you are open minded about the new changes that is going to take place in your life and you accept that your parents have to move on with their own lives, you will be surprised how much your new family can mean to you.
You may feel that building a relationship with stepparents are unfair or difficult because it is not somebody you chose, like you would choose a friend, and this new stepparent is going to stay in your life. This can put some pressure on you.
Every situation is different in how stepparents and step siblings come into your life, but there are a few ways in which you can deal with it and make it easier for yourself to accept it.
Do not hide your feelings
Nobody says you must go around shouting and screaming and moaning the whole day, but it is a good thing to let your parents know how you feel about the situation.
You can even have a discussion with your stepparent and be honest if you are scared that the dynamics of your family will change or you worry about the fact that you will maybe not get enough time with your biological parents.
If there are new siblings in the family it is also good to talk about how things will work and who is responsible for the discipline and how everybody will live together and try and make it work.
Change is never easy, but the more you keep your feelings inside, the more difficult it is going to be for you to deal with everything.
Nobody expects you to be happy about the changes and it is normal to feel confused or even unhappy and maybe feel you will betray your parent if you start to accept and love your stepparent, but try to remember that there is a place for everybody in your life and in accepting your stepparent, it does not mean you love your other parent less.
If you feel you cannot speak openly to your parents about your feelings, you can always write it down or speak to a friend or another adult.
Accept that changes are going to take place
Instead of fighting against the changes it is a good idea to give your stepparents a chance. They can be just as confused and scared as you and they also want what is best for you.
Be open to change and be honest with your mom or dad about what you expect and about certain things you do not want to change.
If you have anything on your mind, discuss it with your parents or stepparents. They can not figure out what is bothering you if you do not talk about it and before you know it things will start falling in place.
You will not always agree with your stepparents
There will be times when your stepparent steps up and want to enforce discipline which you will feel is not their place or is unfair. Do not turn it into a screaming match. Calmly tell them why you are unhappy.
If you act like a spoiled brat you are going to get treated like one, so try and show you parents and stepparents that you are open for a discussion and you want to make the situation work.
If you stepparents treat you in an unfair or abusive manner you have to tell your parents about it, but do not make up stories just to put them in a bad light, because the truth will come out and then your parents will not trust you any more.
You must understand that it will not always be smooth sailing, but if you are trying to accept the circumstances and changes and see that your parents are happy and trying their best to accommodate everybody, your life will also be much easier.
And who knows, with an open mind and good communication having a stepparent will turn out to be a plus and just somebody extra that loves you and cares for you.
Resource used http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/stepparents.html?WT.ac=ctg#
Advice for parents http://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/step-parenting-advice/
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Real parents is still the best than step parents.
Yes but sometimes life just throws us a curve ball and we have to face it
Interesting article for both stepchildren and stepparents to read.
I noticed you didn't tap into the advantages that having two sets of parents can often bring to children. Many adapt well to the situation and enjoy being able to have more than two adults vested in their future. More potential advisors on specific life challenges...and hey, more gifts on birthdays and holidays!
As a stepmother for over 12 years now, I can say through both personal experience and extensive reading that acceptance of stepparents by children of divorce is an intensely complex process, made easier or harder by the maturity of both the divorced parents and their own desire to have their children's best interests at heart. There are a number of potential dynamics and relationships in play: stepfather to stepdaughter(s)/stepson(s); stepmother to stepdaughter(s)/stepson(s); relationship between mother and father is cordial/fraught, and many others, but those are the primary relationships which will transition over time.
The evidence points overwhelmingly to the most difficult relationship being the stepmother to stepdaughter relationship when the mother/father relationship is fraught and the mother has not accepted the situation, so does not act in the best interest of the child but rather uses the intense emotional bond and strong communication between mother and daughter to not allow the stepdaughter to fully bond with the stepmother. I could find some references if anyone is interested. I'm not saying the other relationships aren't tricky, just saying this particular combo has been documented as being the most emotionally challenging to negotiate. The key is the mother granting her children permission to bond emotionally (or let's get simpler - not hate on her behalf) the new woman in dad's life. Stepdads rarely experience the same level of complexity in their new situations, for reasons also well documented.