ADD + Depression + Fear of Failure = I Procrastinate Like Hell

() I am this kid!

 Everyone puts things off until the last minute sometimes, but procrastinators chronically avoid difficult tasks and deliberately look for distractions. Procrastination in large part reflects our perennial struggle with self-control as well as our inability to accurately predict how we'll feel tomorrow, or the next day. "I don't feel like it" takes precedence over goals; however, it then begets a downward spiral of negative emotions that deter future effort.
Procrastinators may say they perform better under pressure, but more often than not that's their way of justifying putting things off. The bright side? It's possible to overcome procrastination—with effort. Perfectionists are often procrastinators; it is psychologically more acceptable to never tackle a task than to face the possibility of falling short on performance. - Psychology Today 

 I have an epic problem with procrastination. Always have. Today I decided to Google it. Being that it only took writing those first 3 sentences for me to get up and walk away distracted, maybe it’s related to ADD. Oh and I am bit of a perfectionist, and have major clinical depression. I need help and answers on how to fix this. 

 Robert Taibbi wrote this example of a procrastinator and it fits me to a T.

 John has always had a problem with procrastination. In the 3rd grade it was the proverbial science project due on Monday that was being assembled at 10:00 on Sunday night. In college it was the 15-page paper done at 3 am the day it was due. Now it is deadline for the budget report at work, or filing taxes.
John’s procrastination problem is long-standing. The fact that this started at an early age suggests a possible problem with undiagnosed, untreated attention deficit / hyperactivity disorder (AD/HD). Most cases are genetically linked, running in families, though the parents were often undiagnosed. The pattern usually shows up in childhood – procrastination along with losing things, trouble focusing, being impulsive, problems sitting still in class, high-risk behaviors. In adulthood there are continuing problems with making deadlines, piles of papers about the house, being late or forgetting appointment, along with starting projects that are never completed, and a persistent unreliability – can’t be counted on to pay the electric bill on time – that drives partners, and employers, crazy.
Often such folks who were bright did fine in high school because assignments were more structured with clear deadlines and the work seemed relatively easy. In college, the structure was less rigid, the work more difficult, but folks like John could manage to fake it even if they didn’t do the reading, or could pull out the big assignment at the last minute (while his friends have been working on it for weeks ahead of time, providing him with a secondary gain).
But what kept the procrastination working was that it was working. With that deadline – the gun to his head – John discovered that he could actually focus and think more clearly, priorities became clearer. 

I did well in school, despite only doing my homework if it was mandatory and always at the very last minute. I never once wrote a paper in college before 3am and I can’t get myself to do anything until it is absolutely necessary. Then of course I feel terrible about myself so I get depressed, or am already depressed. If I don’t write something down, and put it where I can see it, I forget it. I have money in the bank but pay my bills late because I forget what day it is. So am I screwed?   

Taibbi went on to suggest this and I’m going to try it.

 John needs to find out if he does, in fact, have AD/HD so he can treat it. While there is not a definitive test for AD/HD, there are a number of tests that a professional can use to narrow it down and eliminate other common possibilities, such as anxiety and depression. If it is found that John does, the treatment is usually a combination of medication, which can help him focus, and organizational skills.
The organizational skills involve John having a plan to tackle what he puts off. John tends to do easy before hard, because hard really is difficult, and to fall into all-or-nothing thinking – when it hits 3:00 he mentally considers the day over, and says he will tackle whatever the next day. Of course, he doesn’t.
What John needs to do instead is map out on Sunday night the 5 or 6 things that he absolutely needs to get done that week. This helps him set priorities. In the evening he needs to mentally map out the 3 things (not 30) that he needs to work on the next day. This will help prime his brain and help offset his waking up, feeling groggy because he didn’t sleep well, and push off the hard stuff once again.
That morning, he needs to start with the hardest first. He needs to set a timer and for an hour, then set the timer again for a 15-minute break. The break is important to reset his brain; the timing of the break is important so he doesn’t drift off to checking his email and get lost down some internet rabbit hole, and resurface 5 hours later. After the break, he does another hour round. Then he gives himself a reward for doing the hard stuff (like taking himself to lunch), then tackling easier stuff that doesn’t require so much concentration.
What he is doing here is creating his own structure, his own goals, his own deadlines, as well as finding success by breaking difficult work into small chucks. In order to keep his everyday life running, he also needs to create a lot of external prompts – post-it notes on his computer, phone alarms to remind of appointments – to keep him on track. 

 Well, I did buy a planner recently so that’s organizational, and incidentally I recently went to a psychiatrist and we talked about me maybe having ADD. He gave me some meds to try but, they are amphetamines and they made me feel like a tweaker. I’ve cut the dose down to a 1/4 and that seems more manageable but I can only take it every few days or else I can’t sleep. But man do I get a shit load done when I do take it! However, it’s usually only physical things like cleaning my house or perfectly organizing my sock drawer. What I want is to get back to productivity on an intellectual level. I graduated college 13 years ago and have barely applied myself in any academic way since. I love learning, but if I don’t apply it, it seems to slip away. That could also be from all the drugs I did in my twenties. But, I want to feel smart again, like I’m capable of learning and retaining and practicing new information. This is all related to my procrastination I think. It’s so hard to make myself study anymore, and forget about giving myself assignments when there are no consequences for not doing them (other than self loathing). Does ADD get worse with age or is that I’m no longer in a structured environment and haven’t figured out self discipline? I don’t know whats going on, but I have to fix it. My partner is so driven and always learning and studying and making himself better and I feel like I’m stagnating. I hate my job (I’ve been a chef for years) and I want to do something new, but I jump from topic to topic so quickly nothing is sticking. I can’t focus long enough to learn enough to start a new career. I’m so worried about sucking I don't let myself get past the beginning phase of things. I do just enough to know that I could do it, if I wanted to, then I stop and move on to the next thing before I have to try harder to not fail at the next level. The struggle is real y’all. But I’m fairly determined to overcome this, to not just waste away. So I’ll try using these organizational suggestions and keep reading other options on how to get shit done. Hopefully a year from now I’ll be fully on track and figuring out how to really make myself work for myself. What’s that saying, “A year from now what will you wish you had done today?” Stopped procrastinating, that’s what.  

*This post has taken 6 hours(now 7, now 8), multiple cups of coffee, playing with my dog, eating breakfast, eating lunch, sweeping my house, taking a nap, chatting with a friend, quitting and walking away and of course internet rabbit holes. It got rambly and it’s not that well written, the format is jacked, and I didn't figure out how to get the photos in it like I wanted. But I did it and didn’t just think about doing it. I’ll call that a win. 

Sources: https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/procrastination

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201704/procrastination-3-sources-3-solutions

http://familycircus.com/comic_tag/billys-map/