Suicidal Thoughts! I want to end it all!

Lately I've been harboring suicidal thoughts, why? the story is a long one, I doubt if you'll like to hear it. Here goes though. Let this community be my witness. I know and definitely sure one day someone would come across this write-up after I am long gone. And I believe when a close pal or relative reads this, the record as to why I left would be set straight.

First of all I from Africa, Nigeria to be precise. I was born and raised in a polygamous Muslim family in the northern part of this my world. Had a moderate primary schooling. By our standards, it is one of the best here. Likewise secondary school, went to a prestigious (by our standards here) secondary school and completed my o'levels. The result of the o'level examinations wasn't upto what we as a family expected. It was poor to be honest. Had to retake that particular exams about 4 times before I got it right.

After the struggle for ordinary-level certificate that would enable me get admitted into the university came the struggle to gain admission to the university, it was a different ball game. I had to write the exams to get university admission 3 times, all didn't got me admitted. The overwhelming number of students taking such exams each year and the inadequate facilities by the universities to admit such makes it so much difficult to secure university admission in this part of the world.

With the above, my father and coupled with advice from friends and family members alike, asked that I try remedial sciences (a one year course offered by some universities). It makes getting admission easier and with the added advantage of revising what was taught in secondary schools and a little of what one would face in the university.

I went for remedials in 2010, passed and got admitted in 2011 to study an engineering course in one of the most prestigious universities here (again by our standards). My studies began like everyone else, inexperienced and lacked orientation. Through a series of mistakes, underestimation and lack of orientation, I began piling carry-over courses. Past forward to second year in the school, I failed one of our departments pre-requisite course, that meant additional two years for a 5 year course, making it 7 years. Frustration and depression set in.

How and why I didn't bring all those to notice, especially to any of my guidance is something I cannot explain now. I fell out of tune with what was happening in the department. Studied hard thinking I can overcome things myself. Alas the damage had been done already, failed some courses more. What baffled me at that time, I was better at understanding concepts and even explaining to some of my classmates but take me to an exam hall and my head blocks akin to writers block to a writer.

I was finally withdrawn, all those 8 years from 2010 to 2018 for nothing. I came out with no certificate to show for the time spent supposedly studying. I can't for the life of me face my family (especially my father) and tell them I was withdrawn.

I know someone may ask, what exactly do you want here. I am tired, some part of me wish death would come as this point and end everything for me. Sometimes I secretly wish I will be hit by something (a car maybe) while walking. My biggest problem now is getting engaged in something that'll occupy my mind and time. Something productive and my coming across steemit was a huge relief, though my stay here may end sooner than expected.

I need to hear your experiences, cos i've failed my family, my father especially. He spent so much at my education. And what makes things difficult is he is hypertensive, such sad news would do more damage to his health than the original situation.

What was the biggest problem you've ever encountered in your life and how were you able to overcome it? Have you experience a situation like mine, how are you right now? I need people to share and resteem so as to hear peoples opinion and experiences. Save a life!

Image Source: http://nationaldailyng.com/ship-master-commits-suicide-while-on-voyage/