Am I A Competitive Bitch?

The word competitive has such a negative connotation. It can be this secret shameful word that no one really talks about unless they've had a few drinks. There seems to be an inherent virtue in not being competitive. Just Google competition and you'll find a dozen quotes explaining how when a person is fully self-possessed they feel no need for competition.

I grew up the youngest of three kids, and to deny that I do not feel competitive would be complete bullshit. I want to be the best at everything I do. I cannot help but compare myself to other people performing the same tasks as me whether at work, among my friends, and especially when playing sports. There is often this feeling, that I am the only one who feels this way. I have approached co-workers and friends asking them if they feel competitive. More times than not, no one will admit to feelings of wanting to be the best. Am I an alien who can't learn how to play with other kids on the playground?

I came head to head with my high level of competition on a recent surf trip with my friend, Krista. Krista and I started surfing around the same time three years ago. Krista exhibits a higher level of caution when going for the bigger set waves, or positioning herself in a crowded line-up so that she can catch the good waves. Part of me has felt disappointed in Krista, wanting her to be more courageous, so that we can tackle the same fears together. The other part of me likes being the more fearless surfer, who will take more chances dropping in on bigger waves. When I compare myself to her, I feel like a better surfer. If Krista expressed less fear and started taking more chances in the water, I may be threatened, like somehow my skill level has suddenly dropped significantly.

I recently read in the article, The Importance of Being Competitive by Chris Lyon stating that, "When you train on your own and without comparison against others you have no way of knowing how well you are progressing. Your own judgement is often highly inaccurate. Without comparison your brain has no subconscious leverage to drive you towards maximum improvement. Introduce competition and the results are almost instant. An athlete that can sprint 100m in training in a time of 10.50 is likely to run that same distance in 10.20 or faster while racing against athletes of the same level or greater. The survival instinct in our brains compels us to outdo our competition."

Reading this made me feel better. I know that the goal of going on a surf trip with Krista was not to “outdo my competition.” Surfing alone is not nearly as fun, and sharing an experience with another person is often more meaningful to me. However, I do have to live with this reptilian part of my mind, whose only goal is to survive, to be the best so I don't get eaten by the lion chasing all five of us. The more honest we can all be about this part of ourselves, the less immoral I think we will feel about it.

Do you ever feel competitive? How does it come out for you?