How I Experience 'Empathy'- the mind screwing type. Part 1.

I am not going to bore you with definitions and explanations, there is ample writing about that elsewhere. This additional 'sense' or 'perception' I am referring to as empathy, is brutal if you don't understand or acknowledge it. An example may be the most appropriate way to explain.

Many moons ago when I was in college, 18 years old, walking down the corridor to my next class, this feeling came over me, this overwhelming emotional pain. It was not a reaction to something I was thinking about, I was thinking about how I so hoped the lecturer would not ask for the assigned homework which I had not finished, then this feeling came over me, almost like a cloak. It literally stopped me in my tracks, I was fighting the tears, I felt extremely emotional, desperate. I looked up in confusion, and walking towards me a girl caught my eye in the crowd, she really intensely stood out for some reason which wasn't obvious. It wasn't her appearance, the teenagers who left the school system and went to college were the misfits largely. I was one of them. So the corridor was full of what many would label weird- goths/hippy's/stoners, we were all there, so she did not stand out in that sense. I didn't know why she caught my eye. I kept my gaze on her as she made her way past me, then I gathered my thoughts and rushed off to my lecture. I knew what had just happened was weird, but just as many times in the past, I pushed it aside in my mind as it was a regular-ish occurrence which I did not quite comprehend.

About a week later I headed to the computer room during a free period to get on with some coursework, which would inevitably end up in a master procrastination period. My procrastination skills are level 100. After half an hour or so, that feeling I had in the corridor hit me again....................what is this? I looked up and the girl I had spotted in the crowd the week before was perching her self on one of those ridiculously high & uncomfortable computer stools opposite me. 'What the fuck?' raced through my mind. The feeling subsided but she had my undivided attention now. What was going on with her? I had confirmation once more of what I had suspected for a few years but had just disregarded because I thought it was mental, i.e. that those feelings were hers, that I sometimes felt what other people were feeling.

I watched her intently trying not to look like a stalker. After about 20 minutes she took off her cardigan, she was wearing a t-shirt, and her arms were full of deep, nasty scars. Every millimetre of skin on her arms apart from her hands was covered in scars. So that's it, I thought. Maybe she's not self harming any more as I did not see fresh cuts, but she's still carrying the pain. Or maybe the pain was much worse than this in the past, and she's actually managing to function even with it at this level. Or maybe there are no fresh cuts on her arms because there is no uncut skin left to cut there, maybe she cuts somewhere else now. She's also very thin I thought.

My coursework idea went right out the window. I left my station and went out for a cigarette. I felt the overwhelming desire to help her, but also to get away from her at the same time. As I stood alone in the smoking area of the college reflecting on the experience, wondering what it meant, wondering if I somehow picked up on some psychological cues subconsciously and there was nothing mystical about it at all, but then wondering if the subconscious and mystical are even different anyway, I calmed my mind and asked God to help her. I had no idea what to do. So I just asked God.

Who or what God is, at that point, I did not really know. I still don't, but my ideas about the notion of God have evolved continually throughout my life, since I was a child. My parents were not religious, but I was intrigued by the religious element of my early schooling and apparent knowing at a young age that there was a God, or at least my mind as a child assigned that sense of knowing that there was something greater than myself to being in alignment with the christian faith and the idea of God, as that is what I was exposed to. If I had been born somewhere else I would imagine I would have identified with what ever the main religion is there. Anyway, I asked my parents if I could go to Sunday school.

I found a great solace in attending Sunday school, but for some reason I did not want to attend church. I enjoyed learning about the christian ways, praying, singing, and playing with others, but the idea of worship never appealed to me. Many of the teachers tried to get me to attend church, but having tried it once or twice, it was not something that floated my boat. I must have been about 7 or 8 when I first started going to Sunday school, and as I got a bit older and my critical thinking further developed, I started to question things in class, and realised that some of the things we were being taught did not align with my feelings and thoughts about God and Jesus. I think it was at that point of about 10 years old, I realised that religion is many good things, but many bad things at the same time, that I believed in God, but not in religion. It was confusing at that age to contemplate such things, to try and articulate them with limited language, and try and ponder them with limited knowledge. I reached a point where I just ended up irritating a few of the teachers and learned not to question, that sometimes other people just do not understand your thoughts, or at least don't want to try and understand, they just want to listen to try and get you to think the same way as them. Older children leave Sunday school and join the youth club, I attended that on and off until I was about 14. Now don't panic, im not here to preach to anyone, I am laying foundations to help you understand some things I will write about later on if you're still on board, and also why I was asking God to help this girl.

I told you I rambled right?

Back to the story. Later that evening my mind just took off on a downward spiral. I do struggle with depression, and back then was not able to differentiate my own feelings from someone else's, I didn't really fully accept that it was happening. Out of no where I just felt so lost and alone, so misunderstood, and although I do feel this way my self often, I had been relatively ok for some time. I had just started college, meeting new people, learning to drive, I had lots to be excited about so this hit me out of the blue. I was intensly sobbing, my heart literally ached. I am pretty sure I cried my self to sleep. I suspect now that this was some of her pain which I accidentally absorbed, working it's way out, and an appropriate grounding session would have alleviated it, but I was clueless at the time.

Now accumulate this happening several times a week, confusing it within your own confusions and feelings, thinking you're a bit crazy for speculating that these feelings didn't even belong to you, not wanting to even try and talk to anyone else about it, with no idea of grounding or protection, and you can start to understand why Indigo's have a difficult time here, or at least some of them (don't get caught up on the term Indigo). I personally believe many people who have this sense, end up taking their own lives through being profoundly overwhelmed by everything they are taking in on top of their own internal battles. If you think this could be something you are dealing with then get educated on it, get educated about how to ground your energies, and how to protect them, find an outlet to release things. But please keep your critical and logical mind in the forefront, there is a lot of new age waffle out there, it could even be a future blog if anyone want's some guiding tips. If you ignore it, it has the potential to really cause some damage to you. It took me a long time to really accept that this wasn't a normal thing. Empathy is normal yes, but I think there's something else, maybe a supercharged version of empathy, and I do not say that in an egotistical way with some sense of superiority. I get confused when I see people gloating about it and aspiring to it, it can literally fuck with your life, and I would have switched it off if I was able to. So take control of it! Take control of your energy!

Thanks for reading :D

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