He's Not a "Good Father," But I Love Him

Father's Day has always been hard for me. Either my father and I were at odds in some way and I had to figure out how to do this day with a man who has in many ways been more my adversary than a father, or I've had to spend it fatherless because we weren't speaking. Today I find myself not knowing where I am.

He hasn't been a father to me. I wouldn't be able to say that to him. For many years he tried. He always tried. But alas, he's too narcissistic to be a father to anyone. I've spent the adult portion of my relationship with him protecting myself from his cruelty and trying to ruin the life I built and that I want.

He loves me in the best way that he can. He doesn't understand love. To a narcissist, people are only objects for their own amusement. If I don't play his game, then there's nothing.

He's made progress. I've made progress. We're no longer adversaries. But he will never be a rock or a protector or a role model or an adoring fan. I have hope that it will get better and better, but he's more of a child than I. I will never have him as a father. Of that I'm sure.

I will always honor him for bringing me into this world. I will always honor him for doing the best that he knows how. He doesn't fit the role of what a father is by society's definition. But he brought me into this world. And he saw after my physical needs. He gave me some nuggets of wisdom along the way, and showed me being different. I'm glad for the opportunity to take on the genes that he passed on to me. There aren't any others I would rather make use of for this particular human experience.

What is a "good father" anyway? I'm thankful for this life experience. I wouldn't have it any other way. And I'm thankful for him. I appreciate him in all his narcissism and cruelty. Because I understand the human condition. And all of the things that he is I have transformed within myself. I know them, and I accept them, and I love them.

We don't know how to be together. We don't know what we are together. After five years of not speaking we're very slowly feeling each other out again. Treading lightly and tip toeing until some level of trust and understanding is found.

I don't have a dad that I can sit at a picnic table with with my dog and my husband and laugh about good memories. But I have a very conflicted man who did his best, never hit me, gave me a way into this life, worked jobs he didn't like to make sure I was cared for, and at least cared enough to give me all that bad, unwanted, and often abusive advice.

He doesn't really see me. He doesn't really see anyone. Narcissists with high anxiety can't. But very slowly he's finding his way. And as his daughter who's seen my way through the way he trained my nervous system, I lovingly hold space for that change.

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It's not pretty by society's standards. It's messy and full of pain and heartache. But it's beautiful from my soul's perspective. We're learning lessons together in this life. Who knows what connection our souls have beyond this life. My dad is a rogue character. In the early days he conformed. I saw how he hated it. In the later years I gave him permission to do him although he shamed me for it at the beginning. But he came around. And now he's free. He's not free from himself, but I hold space for that. And I know the profound impact that holding space and holding the vision has. It's the most powerful thing we can do. I'll love him through it. I can't use my words; but I can hold my vision. I accept him where he is. I love him where he is. I celebrate where he is.

He's not a good father by society's standards. He's not a "good father" by my standards. I dream of having an older, wise man to lovingly show me the way and make me feel safe - to have a safe place to fall. But on a higher level I know that's not what I wanted for this life. This father is the father I wanted for this life. This is the father I chose to guide me into the life experience that I wanted.

What we have is so deep. On the surface it doesn't look like it. But I know it. And I think he knows it, too.

It's ok if our relationships don't "work" by society's standards. We have to take care of ourselves first at all costs. We must see to it that our own self is cared for and safe. I did that by not talking to my father for five years. After five years of healing I'm now able to see things from a higher level - the level of my higher self who chose this and celebrates this and celebrates him in his perfection. Yes, his perfection. His narcissism, his anxiety, his cruelty, his abuse is perfect and beautiful. It is the expression his soul wanted for this lifetime. It may unfold into something more beautiful than the world has ever seen as he heals and grows. Our wounds are our greatest gift.

My father is my greatest gift. Sometimes my conditioned human self doesn't know what to do with him. Like I didn't when I started writing this. But my higher self always does. I know the deep infinite love I have for him. That's all my higher self knows.

So I've been the adult in this relationship. I've been the healer in this relationship. Maybe that's different than what you see on tv. Maybe that's different than the way a father behaves in a healthy tribal setting. But my dad's not healthy. And he's not well. But he's still beautiful, and I'm honored to be a part of his life and to be an expression of his genes in my own incarnation.

Also check out my posts
How to Deal With Toxic Family Part One - My Story
and How to Deal With Toxic Family Part 2 - To Go No Contact?

If you enjoyed this, you'll enjoy my facebook page You Are Your Own Healer

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