You have a very good understanding of the intrincicacies of English, and an engaging story. However you also have the same problem as me when we write english: we´re both so focused on the grammar and good use of the language while we think and write in it, that we forget to tell our brain to fly more, use more metaphors, literary resources, phrasal verbs, etc. I have confidence however that with practice you will go full native on english ;) . I´ll follow your story up close!