My darker thoughts on my two years of sobriety.

I recently celebrated two years of sobriety. I use the term "celebrate" loosely. I don't know the exact date when I quit. Sentimentality isn't my strong suit. Additionally, it's not like I did anything out of my routine to mark the occasion, lest you count this essay. It took me a considerable period of time to decide how to approach this topic. The traditional narrative includes nothing but the positive elements. There isn't much of a challenge involved in listing all the gains related to sobriety. To do so expresses the tendency to whitewash the appearance of your life. You know what I mean... how some people show you all the great things they have and pretend that their life is perfect. My life is not perfect. 

This essay is about some of the difficult and unpleasant elements of sobriety. One of the most significant elements is persona and self image. I had abused drugs and alcohol for such a long period of time that it became part of my identity. Drinking does have a few benefits. Alcohol is undoubtedly a social lubricant. Getting tuned up with a person can be the foundation of a relationship with that person. When you quit using, when you take that bond away, you are faced with the reality of the situation. What DO I have in common with this person? Are they a friend? Are they an acquaintance? Do we share any common interests beyond getting messed up with them? I am fortunate in that regard. I do have plenty of friends with whom I share common interest. The removal of drugs and alcohol (even if just one sided) has serious implications in the alteration of the dynamics of the relationship, for better or for worse. Any change has its degrees of difficulty, but in my experience it has generally been for the better. 

Fortunately for me I was not a one dimensional person to begin with. Things I enjoy today are the same things I enjoyed back when I was using. Reading, lifting weights, cooking, playing drums and video games were all part of my life before. Similarly, I am a little disappointed about losing the way alcohol facilitated my writing. It did not make me a better writer. Alcohol reduces inhibitions. That is the property that makes it function as a social lubricant. The translation of this property as it relates to writing comes in the ability to put thoughts down without concern of their content or quality. I hate the term, writers block. Currently I haven't been writing nearly as much as I would like to. Plain laziness is one source of my lack of productivity. The other predominant obstacle is expectation. I expect what I write to be great. If I don't have a good idea and the most original and articulate way to express it, then I feel as if it is a waste of my time (whether I hold that feeling consciously or unconsciously). If it ain't gonna be superior, why bother? That isn't how it works. You have to wade through a bunch of garbage and failure to achieve success. 

Another related circumstance that I am still wrestling with is when I was still on a mission to get obliterated as often as possible I had a different approach to life. I lived like there was no tomorrow. In that respect I feel as if I was milking as much enjoyment and experience in general from each day. While there is some truth to that, there is a much darker side that comes along with it. It was motivated by by despair. For a long time I did not care to nor expect to see another day. For me, the negative elements of my life and this world I live in outweighed the positive elements. Since that time I have turned the corner. I put in the time and effort to resolve the internal conflicts that were at the root of my depression. Essentially it boiled down to faults in perception. Simply put, I shifted the focus of my attention away from all the negative aspects of existence and instead developed a sense of gratitude for all the wonderful conditions and opportunities that I have available to me. That is much easier said than done. It took years of hard work and dedication to achieve that. Here's a tip if you are looking to accomplish this for yourself. Don't blame other people or the world in general for any problems you have. Don't blame yourself either. Figure out a solution and work to achieve it. It is also essential to not undertake problems of the world. Don't assume any unrealistic burdens. For example, I can not abolish poverty and world hunger. I don't let it bother me. It's not my problem. This disposition doesn't prohibit me from donating to a food drive. I'm not losing sleep over the people who go to bed hungry or without a roof over their head.

Conversely, in my advancing age I find myself becoming more conservative. I have decided to embrace this change. Years of mindless rebellion hasn't produced much more than several scars, physically speaking and otherwise. They say that youth is wasted on the young. That isn't how I see it. Going full tilt and with reckless abandon is perfectly suitable for when we can physically cope with the consequences. I don't heal like I used to. It's time to stop destroying myself. My allusion to being conservative is not meant to express a stagnation of thought. I am still learning and I will remain open minded. What I mean is that I am starting to see trends and consequences more clearly based on the process of trial and error. I can now lean towards behaviors that have been demonstrated productive results. 

I like to tuck the most embarrassing and offensive ideas at the end of my essays. I assume that most people won't read this far. I have been avoiding going to shows and most other social activities. I don't like being around people who are slopped up. I find them annoying. I have absolutely nothing against drinking in moderation. If I were capable of doing so, I would. Whether it be my old behavior patterns waiting to be fallen back into or if it may be some sort of genetic predisposition, I am incapable of sustaining the practice of moderation for more than a week or two. The cause is irrelevant. All or nothing for this guy. My point is, being in room full of people drinking to excess is not my idea of a good time. Could it be the temptation? I like to pretend that desire isn't a factor. I don't like to admit that drinking does cross my mind. It is a small voice that I am strong enough to crush at every appearance. It is a voice none the less. I am cautious and I avoid engendering or encouraging that voice. On the flip side of the coin, there is the angle of how I may be perceived. I spend the minimum about of time on this topic. I have always crafted my behavior around not giving a fuck about what people think of me. However to totally disregard this consideration would be foolish. It needs to hold as much weight as far as it is to my own benefit. I am okay with being disliked. I used to wear a vest that had the words, "RATHER BE HATED THAN IGNORED" very large on the back. I would not be okay with being an outcast or an exile. As much as I rebel against the standard definition of what it is to be human, I have universal ties to nearly every person, relatively speaking. We are social creatures. I can function with a low amount of social interaction. That does not exclude the fact that I require socializing as much as any sane person would. I'm willing to bet that the majority of the constituents of our Pittsburgh music community were at one point in their lives exiled, shunned, picked on, outcast, etc... from some group or another. Us "punks" were different. The herd felt threatened by these differences and rejected us. Which brings up another point... there is a feeling of discomfort the comes along with being a person not drinking in a room full of people who are indulging. Implicit in my abstinence is the statement that there is something wrong with drinking. Whether consciously or not the herd rejects that statement. I hold liberty as one of the highest concepts. I can do whatever I want so long as it has no negative consequences upon others. Each other person has this right. I respect another person's right to get tanked. Please don't spill your beer on my shoes or worse yet, my head. Please don't smash your car into mine when we are driving home. To me, those actions are violating the conditions of liberty. In any case I like to limit my exposure to situations that I find myself uncomfortable in (even if it is only slightly uncomfortable). 

I saved the best for last. I don't believe in the traditional concepts of free will OR determinism. I believe reality is more complicated that our simpleminded dualities. I doubt our language has the capacity to articulate what really goes on in our universe. What I'm getting at is that I do not feel as if I have a choice in my sobriety. I would not be able to afford to live if I was still drinking and using drugs. I have no resentment for this circumstance in which I find myself. I know with the same degree of certainty that I know anything, that I am best off in my sobriety. I don't like to think of the alternatives. I could be homeless, incarcerated or dead, among other terrible situations. I think I'll take sobriety over those options. 

P.S. The purpose of this essay was not to receive a pat on the back for my "accomplishment" of having two years under my belt. I could drop into in an AA meeting for that kind of pat on the back from people who are deeply involved in that type of struggle. The purpose was to give myself an opportunity to me introspective and to share that introspection with others. I hope this makes at least one person think about something that will contribute value to their existence.