Five Top Tips To Interview Glory!

Whilst lying on a sun lounger drinking a bizarre looking cocktail that resembled a flamingo with its head up its own arse carrying a small umbrella,, I have had a moment or two to consider my imminent return to work.

Such thoughts do not fill me with pleasure and, like a rat chewing off its own leg so it doesn't have to shag its missus yet again, I have toyed with the idea of a new job.

Of course that would involve an interview which means nothing to me as I remembered that I am the King of interviews. I even wrote a post about it once...

So, please enjoy my addition to this week's Showcase-Sunday, a one stop shop to interview glory. Read on, the world is yours now!

Job Interview's, they can be a nerve wracking affair.

I thought that being a good steemian I would pass on my five top tips to interview glory for any of my readers who are contemplating throwing their booty out into the job market to see who might want to give it a smack.

Read on.

It is important to prepare correctly for any interview. Below are my very own five tips to interview success.
_{++disclaimer ++ may not actually work.}

Make sure you look like a Greek god, albeit a modern day splendidly dressed one. It simply wouldn't do to turn up naked clutching a handful of fig leafs for propriety's sake. In my case my suit was so sharp it threatened to tear the very fabric of time.

Place some loose coins in your back trouser pocket. That way every time you take a step they will jingle slightly like the clinking of spurs. Swaggering like a cowboy is bound to fill you with extra confidence. Also, bring a tobacco pipe (see point 5).

Very important this one. Do not eat anything on the day of the interview. Ideally do not eat the day before either. Instead drink lots of coffee. You will be possessed of a furious nervous energy as your body presumes it is under some manner of attack. The last thing you need in an interview situation is your intestines consuming valuable resources.

This stratagem has an added bonus. That being, if your stomach traitorously growls in indignation you can draw attention to the fact and emphasise your hunger for the position.

Upon entering the interview arena you may, despite your preparations suffer from a sweaty attack of the jitters.

There is school of thought that says to combat such nerves you should imagine your interviewers naked. I mean for goodness sake. How would that work? The last thing you want to do is be ogling them with the glad eye.

So instead, when introduced, picture how you would murder your interviewers quickly and efficiently. Perhaps sliding over the desk and kicking one in the neck whilst hurling a throwing star into the others eye?

The very imagining of this scenario as you are introduced will put them on the back foot. They will sense your dominance. After all, a gazelle always senses the presence of the lion.

Remember the pipe? At some point in the interview, summon the pipe from a pocket. It will add gravitas and garner respect.

If one of the interviewers mentions that you cannot smoke here, reassure them you do not intend to. The only thing smoking here is my answers, may serve as a suitable response.

Now that the pipe is in hand ensure that you punctuate your answers by pointing at your interlocutors with the pipe at random moments. This reinforces your mastery, intelligence and perhaps lends a suave urbanity that they will simply not be able to resist.

And those my friends, are my Five Top Tips To Interview Glory!

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