Sexism Hurts Everybody

image from Wordpress

I think most people agree sexism is shitty and it's got to go, right? That's not super controversial (unless you're an incel, in which case, go play on train tracks or something 😘). A lot of people hear about the gender - and racial! - pay gap and agree that's not fair.

image from pew research center

But it's often the subtle sexist things, which can be perpetrated by all genders, that seep into our collective unconscious and don't get questioned. You can look at the above chart and think, "yup, unfair" pretty easily, but examining our social norms can be difficult.

For instance, we say that we want men to not be sexist, to not partake in "toxic masculinity." Sometimes, when men toss out the gender norms and do things not traditionally (in our time and culture) associated with masculinity, we praise them. We've all seen the Facebook photos of dads dressed up for their daughter's tea party, or that dad who wore a princess costume with his daughter, or the parents who let their son choose a "girl" toy, or a dad who lets his daughter braid his hair and say, yay! They're doing it right! This dad wrote about how he was praised for simply being a dad taking his kids out to do the grocery shopping.

But on the flip side, often stay at home dads (like the guy in the story) are mocked as "unmanly" for doing what is traditionally considered "women's work." People specify "manny" to indicate a male nanny. Does anybody say "lady lieutenant" if a woman is in the armed forces? No, because that lieutenant would probably break your fingers for being a jerk, right? Everyone would see that was sexist. But we don't seem to think it's sexist (against women, as well as men) when it goes in reverse. Here's what I mean:

When women start doing things that used to be "men's," we don't specify that these are a girl version, because doing a "male" thing is seen as stepping up the ladder. We don't call them womenpants, but we call it a "man bag" or a "murse." We feel the need to specify that this is A MALE VERSION because it being just the same as the female version would be insulting. He's not wearing a bun like the three women before him in line, he's wearing a "man bun." And he gets mocked for it, too.

Fuck that, I think "man buns" look nice - image from menshairstyletrends dot com

Men can't use that girly, floral soap! They need MEN'S SOAP, or their testicles will fall off in shame!

Sure, coconut smells great, but have you ever seen a coconut burst into flames from sheer excellence??! ...totally not my creation, just one of my favorite YouTube films, originally a comic from Hyperbole and A Half

All of this leads us to have a very narrow definition of "masculinity." If you're not masculine enough, you're mocked. And then yelled at for being a dudebro when you try and do what society says is "manly". We can't enforce this narrow "male" standard and also condemn it.

"But Phe, I don't enforce the narrow definition," I hear you say. And maybe you don't. But I've seen plenty of women mock man buns, or say some other stereotype makes someone "a real man" (or not), or decide that any guy doing a "girl" thing "must be gay," which is its own stupid stereotype to unpack (not all gay guys are effete! Not all effete guys are gay!).

You're allowed to like macho guys with bushy beards, big guns and washboard abs. You are. But then saying the small guy with a bag and his hair in a bun "isn't a man" is just as problematic as saying the woman with short hair, tattoos, and men's jeans because women's jeans won't fit her damn cell phone in the pockets "isn't a woman."

image from theodysseyonline dot com

You may think, "wah, the poor men, my heart bleeds," but this double standard leads to men acting like cast members of the Jersey Shore or a certain spray tanned president, because they are afraid of being called "not a real man." Would The Donald give a shit what anybody thought about his hand size if he was actually secure in his own masculinity? No, he wouldn't. He'd see such concerns as childish. This dudebro, "locker room talk" type behavior wouldn't be so prevalent if many guys weren't walking around feeling so insecure, like they had to prove their manliness lest - horror! - someone thought they were girly. The fact that being thought of as girly is their ultimate fear IS BECAUSE OF SEXISM AGAINST WOMEN. If women were not treated as "less than," they wouldn't fear it. Girls don't have an identity crisis if they're called a "tomboy." Being "boyish" isn't an insult. But being told in your little league that you "throw like a girl" is.

If we want sexism to stop, we also have to stop indoctrinating our boys to "man up" and "boys don't cry" and "that's for girls." We need to make "girl stuff" just as equally cool and acceptable. It all changes with time anyway. Blue used to be "for girls" because the virgin Mary was always depicted in a blue mantle. Pink was "for boys" because it was seen as a violent, virile, hotheaded color, like blood flushing your cheeks. Little boys wore dresses. Knitting was a male occupation. Ancient Celtic women were in charge of training the warriors. High heels were originally for men, as were silk stockings. Etc. There are no "real men" and "real women." Only people.

That Red Fish your momma always warned you about

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