I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she's a gold digger

In 1849 a hippie in California was eating dirt. A traveling snake oil salesman named Oz. had told him it was good for the digestive tract. After only a few spoonfulls the dirty hippie bit into something he wasn’t expecting, gold! He warned his friends not to eat the dirt around his homestead because it was infested with gold. It turns out nobody cared about the nutritional value of dirt, but they were very interested in the gold part. Word quickly spread that there’s gold in them there hills. By the end of the summer, 100,000 broke ass motherfuckers made their way to California in hopes of not having to go to work anymore. Among the hopeful masses were scores of women who dreamed of finding gold because they are like raccoons and love shiny shit. One such woman was Lola Montez. Lola’s career as a prospector lasted all of fifteen minutes before she broke a nail and a sweat. Devastated and broken, she retreated to the mining camp. It was here she found not defeat, but victory. She saw a man with a sack of gold and begged him to buy her an appletini to help drown her sorrows. Mining camps tend to be a sausage party so even though Lola was a three on a good day she was drowning in appletinis by the end of the night. Instead of wresting gold from the Earth, she found it was far easier to dig it out of a man’s pocket. The discovery of gold digging was reported to the Ancient Order of the Ovaries, who published it in their scientific journal, “Cosmopolitan Magazine.” By the Fall of 1850 100,000 broke ass women made their way to California in hopes of not having to go to work anymore.

Gold diggers learned to adapt with the times and now accept cash, credit or debit. The most important thing to remember about gold diggers is they do not give a fuck about you. If the money runs out, so will they, faster than you can say, “Shoulda got a prenup.” You may be wondering, “How do I spot a gold digger?” Here are some signs that you might want to hide your wallet.

If you are reading dating profiles and you see the word “Princess”, keep on scrolling. If she is 22yrs old, has three kids with two different baby daddies, and her profile says she looking for a real man, she is not only a gold digger, but a bad one at that. She will also probably blow you if you take her to Bennigan’s.

She has a designer purse. There’s no reason to spend $500 on something that does the same thing as a plastic grocery bag. At the very least she’s gullible and irresponsible. All signs point to Nope. Extra Fuck That points if she bought the purse with her child support check.

If her outfit has more logos than Nascar, you need to burn rubber. That shit is expensive and she’s looking for new sponsors.

If a girl asks you to buy her a drink the answer is NO. If she’s at the club and doesn’t have six dollars she needs to go home and get some rest so she can start looking for a job tomorrow.

She straight up asks you for money. Most men would rather sell a kidney than ask their best friend for a loan. If you’ve been on three dates and she needs help paying her phone bill, block her number.

If her social network page is full of pictures of her on a boat, she doesn’t own a boat, and all the guys are cropped out there’s a pretty good chance she was an escort at some point.

If your date throws a temper tantrum because she didn’t get something she wants you need to put her on a permanent timeout. Nothing says entitled like a grown ass woman throwing a temper tantrum.

The Ancient Order of the Testicles devised a foolproof method to weed out gold diggers. When setting up your first date, regardless of what you have planned, tell her you are going to rent a Redbox movie and let her order anything she wants off the dollar menu at McDonald's. If her head immediately explodes, you just dodged a bullet. If she laughs, you just struck gold.

This post is part of my ongoing series "The girlfriend survival guide" that I plan on turning into a book. If you have any feedback on this post or have any topics you would like to see covered I'd love to hear about it.

Sources 1, 2, 3, 4