After a fantastic time of intimacy with my wife, I thought about how utterly ridiculous most of our social taboos concerning sex discussions are. Think about this for a moment:

What is the number one driving motivation of not only our species but almost every conscious species on the planet?

SEX.

The propagation of our genes is, essentially, the meaning of life. So many of the good feelings and bad feelings we feel could be explained, although rather precariously, via evolutionary psychology and the driving need to get laid. Almost every sexual species does absolutely incredible things in order to propagate their genes, and we are no exception, though we do tell ourselves stories to the contrary. It's essentially one of the most important motivations in our lives (excluding the ~1% of the population which is asexual). When we shut it out or don't get enough or have it distorted in some way, it almost invariably leads to depression and frustration.

Why don't we talk more openly about something which is so important to our wellbeing?

In the west, I imagine our puritan, patriarchal roots influence our lack of openness about the subject. That does not excuse us.

Why, in this day and age, is it more socially acceptable to talk about the weather or a sports game than to talk about something which really matters, like intimacy with our lovers? Is it simply because sexuality is inherently private by nature (other animals on the planet would disagree) or are our attitudes driven more by cultural norms which we ourselves create? Talking about sex or the weather: Which one really matters more to us?

I have a hunch it has to do with how terrible many men are at truly pleasing and satiating their woman. I think it’s possible many men are deeply insecure in this area and don’t know how to address it. There’s no manual for being a great lover and most fathers are completely absent when it comes to a proper sex education for their sons. And no, I'm not just talking about the birds and the bees conversation or how this part goes into that hole. I'm talking about sharing a lifetime of wisdom gained about the female human body and how accomplishing the pleasure of that body is hugely beneficial toward living a fulfilled life.

I realize I’m painting with a broad brush here and talking in generalities. Statistically and based on evolutionary pressure up to this point to favor horniness and sex, I’m going to argue these stereotypes about our great desire for sex have a lot of truth to them. So many things like getting a great job, owning a nice home, driving a nice car, wearing nice clothes, staying well-groomed, etc, etc could be traced back to the desire for some consistent nookie.

Do you know what one of the primary causes of divorce and relational problems is? Many say money when asked, but broke people having mind blowing sex are often quite happy. The main reason, I believe, is the lack of regular, powerful, fulfilling, intimate union. Sure there are many other reasons (communication being chief among them), but the reasons we feel “in love” are due to known chemicals in the brain which sex has a major role in influencing.

If you're confused about what "love" actually is, give this video a watch:

Many men are insecure and turning to porn to meet their needs while women are unsatisfied and frustrated. So few people teach newly married men how to cherish their wives and take things slow. They don't understand the importance of stimulating specific anatomy in particular ways instead of just "sticking it in there." They don't master the desires of their spouse while also taking risks to introduce something new which might be a total flop. They don't do endless hours of research learning about what most women really want, even if their partner doesn't realize it or doesn't know how to ask for it. They also don't spend the time to get to know their specific partner and how they might be different from every other woman on the planet, defying every known stereotype and label. (And no, porn is most likely not a valid form of "research" when it comes to truly understanding human sexuality.)

True intimacy between lovers is so powerful for making the rest of the world's problems seem trivial, that we truly need to do better. The power of sex has been taken by religious leaders as a tool for shame and control. It has been used by governments to restrict and contain. It has been used by men and women as a manipulative weapon.

We can do better.

What's the worst that can happen if we started taking more openly about our sex lives? Maybe many already do, and I’m just projecting my previous perspective formed by a conservative upbringing on the world around me, but it seems to me this isn’t a common conversation between friends:

"Man, my wife and I had a really amazing night last night. We tried some new things that really worked out well and one thing that was a total flop and had us both laughing. How have you been doing lately?"

Why does this feel so weird to many of us? Is sex something which should remain private and undiscussed, even though it’s so important to our most meaningful relationships? Why are many of our views about sex so distorted? Why is sex portrayed in such twisted, unrealistic ways in our media-driven culture? Why are movies and TV shows displaying horrific violence so common place while displays of two humans enjoying each other is considered dirty and wrong?

How perverted is that?

I think we should be honest about the power of sex which drives reproduction on this planet and strive to improve our abilities within our relationships. As with any form of education, accurate communication is key. If we don’t talk about it, how will we improve?

How often do you talk about sex with your friends and family?

Do you think our perspectives on sexuality would improve if we all talked about it more openly?

Photo Credit: self portrait by my wife, @corinnestokes, used with permission. See her 3 part series on Diastasis Recti to fully understand that smile.