RE: What I talk about when I talk about...
I have always been opposed to monogamy because it seemed to me that this form fostered certain dependencies and had less to do with human than with sexual fidelity and vested interests.
I agree completely. I sometimes discuss this subject with my husband, how I am open to understand that he feels sexually attracted to other women and hope he understands the same in me, we even discuss the possibility of bisexual attractions. However this is far from leaving the realm of theory among us, as I recognize very well whenever he feels jealous and consciously avoid situations that might cause this, because I know it hurts. I understand that jealousy can be translated into: "I loathe this person because he/she is just as good as I am, but she does me better than I do myself" like two different actors playing the same role.
My husband and I spoke of a girl he felt attracted to while I had just realized I was pregnant. He met this woman in social situations alone, while I was on a trip, and I knew there had been sparks between them but said nothing. I felt that he could go with her and leave me and I wouldn't mind, I actually felt like I could regain a lot of lost freedom, even with a baby coming. Not long ago, last year, we spoke about her and how it was obvious he liked her and she wasn't indifferent (plus, she had the MOST interesting name I have envountered in a female) and I doung her on facebook. God, she was gorgeous. And I hated her for it, but that hate was for myself, because I didn't care enough about my looks to pose for beautiful pictures like she did, or fix my hair and smile more often.
So i fixed that, and I am no longer jealous, at least not of her.
I'm looking for a long-caged female sexual energy within me, I'm trying to set it free.
Jealousy is a rather immature emotion in man, I think. I am not free from it either. But this has not been a painful aspect of my life and will not be any more. We all feel that we are occasionally attracted to someone and it is probably the unknown that attracts us, the new thing about an encounter. An attractiveness that made me think about fidelity again and again at a young age. I must confess that without occasional infidelity I would not have lived out the sexual energy you speak of. I would have stayed with what seemed safe to me. In addition, I thought that no man would have a claim on me and felt stubborn resistance to engagement and marriage.
My first long-term relationship was an experiment in living together and getting to know each other, but sexually I felt trapped. It was not until the 30s that I began to venture further forward and to explore and fathom my femininity better. It was a very exciting, albeit selfish time, if you will. I suspect that we modern people need much longer to mature. On the one hand, I am happy to have given in to my thirst for adventure and to meet a man who wanted to experience this adventure together with me. For this we paid a high price and we injured other people. The moral construct in which we live cannot be ignored. But at times I also thought that I could have affairs without having to feel guilty, like Benoîte Groult did in her books.
The fact that you and your husband openly address these issues is of great value. We do the same and it helps us to stay authentic. I am amazed that you would have wanted to raise a child without your husband. This is very unusual because motherhood is initially also vulnerability and need for protection. At least that was the case for me. I wanted security. Only later did I question this need.
With everything I think, it is not a matter of pleasing someone, in the sense of complaisantly presenting oneself. It is, as I experienced, the unconditional acceptance of each other. The dropping of all masks and reservations, the will to surrender oneself totally. To do this, women need men who are curious about the female sex and want to give them the greatest possible pleasure. To take them beyond the top of what they didn't know could be any further. I think a man must completely forget his own desires and turn to the woman in so far as he provides her with all the craftsmanship and orchestral talent he is capable of. Without this masculine virtuosity both will have no ecstatic moments and will always remain below their possibilities.
I was never out to give pleasure to a man, but always assumed that my sexual pleasure must be sufficient for both. This has been confirmed and I have never experienced greater joy in being together between man and woman as with my present man.
His unselfishness finally brought him the greatest benefit in his sexual experience. By "forgetting" himself (his own needs), I could also forget myself. I admit that I see my female body more as an instrument that wants to be played skillfully than as a player. I am the receiver and by receiving unconditionally I give the greatest of myself.
Does that make sense to you?
I hope you are going to uncage your sexual energy to the fullest.
It makes a lot of sense, I feel the same way.
I am currently in my thirties. I graduated from my twenties with the birth of my child. I have never felt protected by my husband, I am the provider of the house and honestly most of the time I behave like a single mom with two children, one thirty years older than the other. It is not fair to my husband that I treat him that way, but I do, is part of who I am: the I-can-do-it-myslef-just-fin-thank-you-very-much woman. Sometimes I do crave it (protection) and sometimes I do need to feel swept away from my own feed, I need a man to take charge. I have small infidelities in the shape of smiles and looks that say it all between other men and myself, speaking without words, but never touching, and this gives me huge sexual pleasure.
I had my shots with real infidelity, and I didn't feel guilt either, but at one point I came clean to the man I was with and I had never seen such a rush of tears. It made me pity him and the thought of his reaction kept me forever onwards away from letting another man touch me. I even developed fear at thinking about other men, because I though he would find out somehow. I developed a terrible paranoid state for many years and only recently I came out of it.
I wonder how old you are, because you sound so young. Like someone in her twenties with a soul in her fifties. It's very helpful to discuss these matters with sober and mature people. The women around me in the physical world would die before admitting they are sexually attracted to men other than their husbands, and some of them even to admit they experience sexual desire at all.
Very interesting what you say.
Oh, my age. I am turning 49 this March.
Right now I am busy and cannot answer in depth. Maybe I'll come back to you later. But this inspired me and I wrote an article about this topic:)