Area Freshman Rips Unprecedented 4 Shots at Late Night Gathering in College Dorm:

Shocking student across campus, reports have been trickling in of area freshman pounding 4 consecutive shots while partying under dim lighting of a poorly furnished dorm. The freshman, whose name has not yet been disclosed, turned heads last Thursday when he took a Coors Light can and, wowing bystanders, proceeded to poke a hole in the can and consume the contents at a breakneck pace.

Yet nothing prepared fellow students for the pure savagery that took place on Sunday when the student took not one, not two, not three, but four carefully measured 1.5 fluid ounce shots of the devils slosh, all in a matter of minutes. “I mean sure, I’d heard the stories of what he did Thursday, so when he took that first shot I wasn’t all that surprised, “ said one student, “but then, all of sudden, he does the unthinkable, and the next thing I know he’s downed four standard drinks. In that moment, time stood still.”

Staggered onlookers swarmed the student in a frantic rush, trying to get a piece of the absolute legend, and one lucky girl reportedly obtained his student email address for future correspondence. Said one astounded freshman, “You never think you’ll be a part of history until one day you are...I walked into that party at 9:30 pm expecting some rowdiness--rumors were swirling that someone had even managed to obtain a bottle fermented and distilled potatoes and other common cereal grains--but when I walked out at 12:30 I knew I had seen the unthinkable.”

Said another, “Four shots! FOUR EFFING SHOTS!” The pride of the freshman class was last seen wearing a bawdy bro-tank, a backwards water polo hat, and a proud smile as he entertained fawning visitors at the door of his dorm. When asked if he would continue his utter barbarism at future soirees, he responded, “Does lightning strike twice?” and shook his head.