Breaking News: President Donald Trump Faces Impeachment

son-of-satire (69)in #satire • 7 years ago

For months now, the internet has been buzzing with rumours of a Donald Trump impeachment. Online bookmakers were averaging 2/1 odds of the new world leader becoming the third US president to be brought up on charges and forced out of office. Ladbrokes, a UK bookmakers, were even offering 11/10 odds that Donald Trump will be impeached or resign from office before completing his term.

From treasonous Russian dealings to an expected sexual assault in the near future, there were a variety of potential reasons that the people thought it likely Trump would be brought up on charges. Now that the House of Representatives have announced their plans for impeachment, the world is in shock, yet also in agreement of the charges facing the US president.

In a press conference this morning, the majority leader of the House of Representatives, Polly Tishane stated;

We are moving forward with impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump amidst allegations of him being in possession of the shittiest haircut in the known universe. After reviewing the evidence, we have found that the accusations are warranted and we have been left with no option but to press for charges.

When the story broke this morning, many cried fake news due to the outrageous nature of the charges. Never before has a world leader faced prosecution for allegations based purely on aesthetics. Unfortunately for president Trump, the charges against him do not stop at having shitty hair. An anonymous source has reportedly come forward with information as well as documented evidence that implicates Trump involvement in an abduction and forced-labour plot. If found guilty, the newly elected president could face a minimum of 25 years in prison.

The source claims that they previously worked in the Trump mansion and bore witness to the abduction and imprisonment of a German man named, Rumpelstiltskin. According to the source, Mr. Rumpelstiltskin has been held captive for decades, forced to weave weekly wigs of golden thread for Trump, or face severe punishment.

Whilst the photograph provided by the source(see above) looks entirely legitimate, Trump defenders have decried the image as a fabrication, claiming that modern technology provides the means to falsify an image to such a convincing extent. The source added:

It's completely immoral. I had the opportunity to get to know Rumpelstiltskin during my time working for Mr. Donald, and I have to say that he is one of the loveliest people I have ever met. Thinking of him trapped in that tiny, tiny dungeon, working for nothing more than one meal a day... It brings a tear to my eye even now.

He was little more than a broken man last I saw him. He lost everything because of that evil man, even his name. Mr. Donald knew his name, I know he did! But he always called him Trumpelstiltskin instead, probably just so he could hear his own name more often-- he loves that.

Former President Barack Obama was the first to comment on the news;

Hahaha. Hahahhahhaa. Oh' Donnie... I knew it..

How did he ever expect to make America great again, when he can't even make his hair okay again..? Not even with a $3.7 billion fortune to work with.

I win.. Hahha. Mhuhahaha.

Former President George W. Bush also weighed in on the fiasco;

I am happy for President Trump. I love peaches. I wish they had impeached me during my turn.. I mean term.. No wait, it is turn right?

Where am I?

News of the impeachment has caused quite a stir in the political world. Questions have been raised on whether such actions should be taken against a leader based solely on the way they choose to wear their hair. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has just scheduled a meeting with his barber for later this afternoon, perhaps in response to the current Trump scandal.