How To Write High Quality Posts on Steemit, Empty the Rewards Pool, Instantly Gain the Support of Collusive Whales and Live Happily Ever After in 57 Easy Steps

1. Open the browser.
2. Close the browser a microsecond later, when you realize the last opened page was on Redtube, the speakers are on and the neighbors kids are at home.
3. Turn off the speakers, restart the browser, close the 38 tabs opened in various Redtube sections and open the Steemit website.
4. Log in.
5. Wait for the page to load while you try to remember if you logged in with your password, active key, owner key or the 4 combined nicknames of your last girlfriend.
6. Luckily, you nailed it. Somehow. Your Steemit account page just opened.
7. Go directly to the trending page and look at the first 5 links. All above $100 so far. Sheesh.
8. Make a quick mental calculus about the size of the rewards pool, the total number of the rewards on the trending page and your odds at hitting somewhere near the first 5. The calculus looks promising, but it’s not even remotely quick, since you are doing it for almost 4 minutes now.
9. You realize you need coffee.
10. You decide to make coffee.
11. You get up and go to make coffee.
12. While you make coffee, you have an idea.
13. By the time you get your first sip of coffee, your idea is gone. Boy, it was such a good idea. You have the best ideas. Everybody knows that.
14. You get back at the computer and look at the trending page again. All over $110. Sheesh.
15. Open your own page and look at your last 58 posts. A staggering total of 2,43 dollars made on those posts. That’s a good number, you think. It’s a promising number. It’s a beginning. At least.
16. The coffee idea briefly nudges one of your synapses again. You hold your breath and your fingers are slowly approaching the keyboard. Still. Stay still. It’s there, you can feel it. Damn it. It’s gone again.
17. Open a new tab with coinmarketcap and check the price of Steem. Going up. Just like you thought. Man, you’re good. You know your crypto. You should write some stuff about that. Maybe some analysis. A chart. Or two.
18. You write two sentences. Without a title, so far. The title comes later. You need a good title. You have the best titles. Everybody knows that.
19. As you desperately try to come up with the third phrase you realize it’s almost noon. Two sentences by the noon. That’s something. That’s better than last week.
20. After 5 minutes of staring at the screen, helpless, you decide to enter the chatroom. Just a little bit. For some inspiration. Just a tad of inspiration. It’s a big decision. Maybe the ban is lifted now. Maybe they forgot. Maybe they’ll let you post again. Who knows.
21. You open the chat only to realize you’re still banned from all the 68 channels you were active on. Such a bunch of losers. They’ll see.
22. You feel your blood starting to dangerously climb towards your head. It might be coffee. It might be. But it’s not. You know what it is.
23. So you log out from your main account, log in with the flagging account and start flagging randomly. A few posts. Maybe 20. Ok, they were like 200. Who counts. At least you feel better. You breathe better, that’s for sure.
24. Suddenly, the coffee idea hits again and you see it. In all its splendor. Oh, god, what a great idea. You start writing furiously and in the next two hours you come up with almost 5 phrases. Those are the best phrases. Everybody knows that.
25. You search for a picture. You find one. It’s copyrighted. Who cares. You’re an anarchist, you don’t believe in that stuff. Those bureaucrats with their copyrights. Sheesh.
26. You open the trending page again. There’s only one post with $140 and the rest is divided among the rest. Good. Equality. You write a few comments about equality on all the 25 posts from the trending page. Maybe you’ll get an upvote on some of them. Who knows. There’ s 25 comments. It might happen.
27. You get back to your post. That’s 6 phrases now. Huge. Good post. Great image. You double check not to get paid 100% in SP and hit publish.
28. You get up, stretch a bit and start to do your daily 5 pushups. After 3 pushups you stop, because you have a comment on your post.
29. It’s @cheetah, telling you’re using copyrighted content. Sheesh.
30. You start writing a long comment explaining to cheetah that you’re an anarcho-crypto-capitalist and you don’t care about that shit, only to realize you posted with your flagging account. Sheesh.
31. You delete the post, by replacing all the content with the word “deleted”, log out and log in again in your main account. Sheesh.
32. You look at the trending page again. And you realize you’re out of coffee. And money. You have to do something about this. You have to make a quick $50 on the blockchain. Come on, you can do it.
33. You do a quick search on google for “pizzagate”. Hmm, too much content. You do a search for “Trump”. Hmm, too much trump.
34. You remember a blog post you wrote 16 years ago on your MySpace page. It must be somewhere.
35. You start searching for that post which takes you about 4 hours and 12 minutes. You eventually find it on an old USB stick hidden in the box of an old HDD somewhere in the basement. But you find it.
36. You do a quick revamping, change some verbs, add some commas and get up from the chair, pumped with enthusiasm.
37. It’s your moment. You enjoy it.
38. You add a few mentions of some important whales, like @steemed, @bernisanders, @smooth, @clayop, @tombstone, @complexring, @riverhead just so they know you’re there. And watching them. Maybe they’ll get notifications. Maybe they'll make some collusion. Who knows.
39. Then you add some mentions of a few writers, like @krnl, @stellabelle, @sirwinchester, @hanshotfirst, @joseph, just so they know you’re there too. And watching them. Maybe they’ll notice. Who knows.
40. And then you add @ned and @dan to the post too. Who knows.
41. You hit publish. Good. You did it.
42. In the first 10 seconds you get 40 votes from bots.
43. In the next 6 hours you don’t get any other vote.
44. In the next 4 hours you get 4 flags.
45. After 12 hours you made $0.03. Ok, we’re getting there.
46. You realize it’s almost evening again. And you ran out of coffee. And money.
47. You start upvoting all the posts from the trending page, maybe you’ll get some curation rewards. Who knows.
48. You wake up, realizing it’s past midnight and you fell asleep on the keyboard. For 5 hours.
49. You decide to make some omelet and document the process.
50. After 15 minutes you have an omelet and 73 photos documenting the process.
51. You upload the pictures to your imgur account, write 2 sentences about how to make an omelet and put the links to the 73 pictures.
52. In the first 10 seconds you get 40 votes from bots.
53. Tired and depressed, you go to sleep.
54. After 2 hours of sleep, even more tired and even more depressed, you get up to check your stats.
55. For 30 seconds you don’t move. Your post is on the trending page. Actually, it’s the first post on the trending page. You made a staggering $278.
56. Barely breathing, overwhelmed by a deep feeling of achievement and fulfillment, you write a warm thank you post to all the whales who are appreciating your culinary talents. You have the best culinary talents. Everybody knows that. And now they’re on the blockchain forever.
57. You get a comment to that post almost instantly. It’s a whale telling you he doesn’t give a shit about your culinary talents, but… You check your post again and realize you put the wrong links to the images. It’s your private screenshots collection from Redtube.

Sheesh.

I'm a serial entrepreneur, blogger and ultrarunner. You can find me mainly on my blog at Dragos Roua where I write about productivity, business, relationships and running. Here on Steemit you may stay updated by following me @dragosroua.