A not so brief history of Abrahamicism and why most of the worlds population is intent in trying to kill each other, and the ones that aren't, aren't because they're starving to death and why it's all the fault of a fucking lawyer. Part 1

Before I jump into this rabbit hole, I've got a couple of points to make. Firstly, I'm being nice here and leaving out the Dharmic religions which actually predate the Abrahamic religions by about 1600 years. All you Sikhs, Hindus and Buddhists who all evolved from the earliest Eastern religions are getting a free hall pass...for now.

Secondly, although all my facts and figures will be as accurate as my memory and google allow, I will be throwing in commentary and opinionated context that might not go down too well in academic circles, so don't be using this article as a cheat sheet to pass your high school RE exams.....

Got it ? excellent, let's make a start....

Once upon a time, there was a gadger called Moses. Allegedly, as of course, details are a bit sketchy from 3500 years ago, and it's said, he lived somewhere between 1450BCE and 1250BCE. It's nice to have a bit of wiggle room!

Anyway, around that time, Moses was born in The land of Goshen. This was a part of Egypt, by the Nile that had been given to the Hebrews or Israelites by a very nice Pharaoh called Joseph.

However, around this time, the current Pharoah, whose name evades both Pontefract Library and Google, was shitting himself because he was a smite anxious that the pesky Israelites were conspiring with Egypt's enemies to overthrow him. Now due to the fact that Xanax hadn't yet been invented, Pharaoh did the next best thing and ordered that all newborn Hebrew boys were killed, by throwing them in the River Nile to drown, thus reducing the Israelite population to a less scary number. I mean, really, what else could he do in such a situation?

I've alwas thought that Steemit was short of a little Infantacide!

Moses' mother wasn't impressed and so to save her newborn, she decided to hide him.
"Hmmm, where can I hide him?" she thought. "I know, I'll put him in a basket and set it down in the bulrushes at the side of the river".

And that's what she did. She, whose name was Jochebed, made up a few ham and cheese sandwiches before dumping young Moses in a basket, along with his Peppa Pig snapbox in the bulrushes by the River Nile.

What his old man thought about this I've no idea, because to me, this wasn't too bright considering the Pharaoh's soldiers were also down by the river playing skipping stones with kids. On top of that, I've watched the discovery channel and I know for a fact that there are some big fuck off crocodiles in that river.

Incredibly, and despite the massive odds against it, Moses survived due to him being discovered by an Egyptian Princess, who I guess was down by the river to watch the new sport of baby drowning who took him home and raised him as an Egyptian.

When Moses grew up, he became a lawmaker befor killing an Egyptian slavemaster who was bullying a poor Hebrew slave and decided he best do a runner.

Moses buggered off across the Red Sea to Midian. Midian is either a place or a tribe, it's a bit of a grey area depending on which theologian scholar you talk to, but either way, this or who? is where it happened....

A Russian Orthodox impression of Moses and the burning bush (snigger!)

God appeared to Moses from within a burning bush on Mount Horeb and told Moses his name was YHWH, i'll just stick with God as I've not the foggiest idea how to pronounce that. God told Moses to go back to Egypt and bring his poor enslaved people to Canaan where they could live. Now on the way there, for a reason I can't fathom, God tried to kill Moses but he was saved by his wife.

Hang on, Wife? Yes, her name was Zipporah, whom he married when he'd arrived in Midian. She was a Cushi which is basically a word for someone with black skin and its thought she was an Ethiopian as we'd know it today. How she'd got from Ethiopia to the Middle East before the advent of buses is beyond my comprehension. Either way, she saved Moses from God but not sure how and ...

Hang on, married? Who married them? there weren't any priests yet! He was just in the process of starting this religious nonsense.

So, Moses went to Egypt, but Pharaoh, who seemed to have forgotten about Moses, despite him being a murderer and his adopted grandson, wouldn't let the Israelites leave so God decided to send some plagues and locusts and stuff like that to piss off Pharaoh until he changed his mind. Pharoah was obviously a quite stoic fella as it took 10 plagues before he gave up and told them all to bugger off to Canaan.

They set off, escorted by Pharaoh and his army, but when they got to the Red Sea, God had woken up in a grumpy mood and decided to kill Pharoah and his Army. Simply because he could by parting the Red Sea so they could cross before blowing a raspberry at them and un-parting it when they were half-way across. That God, he is a card isn't he ?

Fooled ya , suckers.....

Moses led the Israelites to Mount Sinai, where God gave him some stone tablets with the ten commandments written on them, in indelible Sharpie.

Because Moses was taking his time up the mountain due to him having a right old chinwag with God, his Israelite followers thought he must have died and so in a state of boredom decided to make a golden baby cow and began worshipping it.

Seriously, this is all in various bibles, I'm not making this shit up!

God and Moses were seriously pissed off about this and Moses threw a big hissy fit and smashed up his tablets. That's gratitude for you. I guess God was a little put out about this. Moses was so mad, he decided the people who had idolised the cow must die, and melted it down and made them drink the molten gold.

Now really. Only a bible could ever come up with such a punishment.

Moses throwing a wobbly and smashing his tablets...

Moses then regretted smashing his tablets and so got some more, A4 size this time to make them a little less heavy and wrote out the 10 commandments again, being very careful this time not to make any spelling mistakes as correcting a stone carving is a little tricky.

After this, he had a sit down with his mates, decided that Yhwh would be their God and they'd follow his 10 commandments and that they'd set up the first priesthood run by his nephews.....

Hang on, nephews? yes, he had a brother and a sister who he still Whatsapped with and his brother had 2 kids.

Finally, God did a Wiki-how to show Moses how to build a tabernacle to travel to Canaan in and off they went.

Just before getting there...without maps of course....Moses sent 12 spies into the land of Canaan and they came back reporting that it was occupied by giants. Some of Moses followers were bricking it and wanted to return to Egypt, but Moses wasn't best pleased about this and told them they weren't worthy and they would have to wander the desert for the next 40 years till they died and the next generation could inherit (invade) Canaan.

40 years later......

Moses led the remaining living Israelites around the dead sea to Moab and Edom where he gave them a sermon reminding them of Gods laws and them proceeded to massacre the Midianites...yes, the same Midianites who had helped Moses all those years ago and despite God's 'Thy Shalt Not Kill' commandment and then after handing over power to his P.A., Joshua, wandered off up Mount Nebo to have a gander at his promised land laid out before him and promptly died, aged 120.

A quick point about 'thy shalt not kill'. According to the Hebrew translation, this is more accurately translated as 'thy shalt not murder', which actually gives God a 'get out of jail free' card and makes him judge, jury and executioner in the cases of over 150,000 people that get killed by him, or by his order in the whole of the bible.

So this is the start of Abrahamic religion according to the Bible. Basically, the same story told in Islam, Judaism and Christianity. What a total crock. In the best Egyptian history that can be researched, there is no mention of any of this, or even of a guy named Moses, and it is believed by said religions that Moses was the one who actually wrote this story. Moses, a scholarly decreed fictional charatcer, wrote his own story upon which millions of people around the world are still fighting about and getting killed over 3500 years later....hmmm.

The Egyptians at this time in actual history were worshipping multiple deities, like Cats for example, perhaps even our very own beloved @grumpycat (shameless attempt for an upvote lol), but much of Egyptian history can be studied from things like the pyramids and many other artefacts found preserved in the dessert sand. In the case of Abrahamic religion and the bible story, its just heresay and conjecture but even here at the start of our journey, we find the bible crammed full of violence, aggression, invasion, and worst of all, CONTROL.

From this short piece, you can easily understand the Egyptians being a mite pissed off with this!

Next time, we're going to jump to Jesus, examine the split into Christianity, Judaism and Islam and have a quick look at why Aristotle was a total fucktard who put science and the human race back by almost 2000 years...

Thanks for dropping by. Your Upvotes and Resteems are gratefully received but your comments and engagement are truly appreciated. Let's keep up the debate. Thank you

@nathen007

Life's not about the hustle. It's all about the humanity