SATIRE: A CHAT WITH THE INSPECTOR OF PRAYER RECEPTION AND PROCESSING UNIT
Written by Henry Max
(Disclaimer: This post is fictitious and words in the conversations are imaginations of the writer).
A recent Research published by the Inter-terestrial Rogation Service (IRS) has asserted that more than 36.13 billion megatons of prayer are being released monthly into the celestial sphere within the Western Africa hemisphere; Nigeria alone contributing a frightening amount of 21.54 billion megatons.
Because these prayers have been rising steadily on daily basis, most hang in the air for centuries.
The research went on to claim that out of the
21.54 billion megatons released per month, more than half was accounted for by the Christian sector, and about a one-quarter billion are imprecations (die by fire, thunder, lightening, etc).
The research commented that such amount and concentration of imprecations have been causing serious damage to the Prayer Reception and Processing Unit (PRPU), leading to the installation of a filtering mechanism. That most of the vile-laiden prayers are being redirected to blackhole and gets trashed in space.
Trying to reach the Directorate of the IRS for comments on the assertions and to proffer solutions to the lingering prayer issues proved abortive. However, the Inspector of the PRPU was met in his office and he shaded some insights with us; having noted that the company operates on ABSOLUTE confidentiality and secrecy.
Excerpts:
GOOD DAY SIR, MAY WE GET TO KNOW YOU?
As I informed you earlier, I'm the Chief Inspector of the PRPU.
YOUR NAME SIR
Absolutely not necessary (glances at watch).
ALRIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON THE ISSUE AT HAND
It's absolute. I mean, since we adopted a digital prayer processing system, we've been able to measure all the contents sent and received within this unit. And this is just one out of a billion scattered amongst the different galaxies.
THEY'RE MORE THAN A BILLION PRPUs?
Absolutely. To serve the needs of the ever growing human and other species population, within the milky way, Oreo and other galaxies.
YOU MEAN THEY'RE OTHER LIFEFORMS OUT THERE?
Absolutely.
THE RESEARCH ALSO REPORTED THAT MOST OF THE PRAYERS WERE BEING TRASHED IN SPACE...
That's absolute!
... UHM, WHY?
You see, it's absurd. A large percentage of the prayers received especially from the Nigerian Christian sector are altercations, needless repetitions, compounded by the frequency of reception; so we have no choice than to trash them.
CAN YOU EXPATIATE ON THAT?
Absolutely. You see, the average Nigerian thinks he's surrounded by enemies. Worse of all, these enemies do not have face values; therefore it is impossible to act on such prayers with non-existent targets. It's like asking us to launch missiles with no specific targets, it might result to collateral damage. At some points, enemies are subjective, you know.
WOW! THAT'S A GOOD ONE, SIR.
Absolutely.
CONSIDERING YOUR STRICT POLICY ON THE MOST APPROPRIATE AND MOST ACCEPTABLE QUANTITIES OF PRAYERS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ATTAIN TO SOME TECHNICAL QUESTIONS ?
Absolutely.
SO HOW MANY MEGATONS OF PRAYER WOULD IT TAKE TO RAISE THE STANDARD OF LIVING IN NIGERIA?
(shifts uncomfortably)
Uhm.. I think it depends on many factors which I wouldn't like to delve into at the moment.
BUT YOU PROMISED TO...
Absolutely. But that's some complex calculation. We've to compare and contrast different variables to generate a suitable formula for such. So we might have to put that down under future research. Any other questions?
WELL, THIS IS SIMPLER, HOW MANY MEGATONS OF PRAYER DOES IT TAKE TO FIGHT CORRUPTION?
(furious) Still the same thing. Corruption is contextual. Future research please!
HOW ABOUT GOOD GOVERNANCE?
(dabs sweat and readjust in seat)
Let me address something at this point.
You see, it's not about calculating the amount of prayers that would resolve anthropogenically-induced problems, it's about putting tangible things and ideas in place to address them.
Have you ever wondered why developed nations pray less? It's because they invest heavily in human resources and socio-economic infrastructures. When a government exude wanton failure to secure the lives and properties of its citizens, people resort to prayers. When a government fails to provide an enabling environment for economic productivity, to boost employment opportunities, people resort to prayers.
At the combination of all these and other important factors I haven't mentioned, people come together to create psychological faceless enemies, and prompt us to annihilate them by fire, thunder and all whatnot. That's next to impossible.
Therefore, Nigerians must learn to choose their leaders wisely. This would help reduce the traffic of prayers up here, reduce the thrashing rate and speed up the processing process.
WOW! THANK YOU SIR. THAT'S ABSOLUTE!
Absolutely!