One of my friends is in an emotionally abusive relationship and has been on and off for 5 years now. He doesn’t hit her so she doesn’t feel that she’s being abused.

She has left him countless times before because he has betrayed her by running around with countless other women while leaving her at home to watch the kids. I understand that some people have open relationships where they can have intimate relations with other people but that isn’t the case here.

He berates her if she even has male friends. So, he’s allowed to go wherever he wants while she sits at home.

Emotional abuse is an attempt to control and manipulate using words or emotions to exact control.

Emotional abusers don’t always know they are being abusive, they are insecure and use control as a way to soothe their insecurity. But, controlling behavior and being critical often of someone that you claim to love is not love.

Living a Lie

I was in an abusive relationship a few years ago and I found pictures the other day from the beginning of the relationship and the end of the relationship. I didn’t really recognize the woman that I had become and it was then that I knew I needed to walk away.

I think I felt that I deserved to be “loved” by a man like him because I didn’t have a lot of confidence and I think I felt like it was karma because I hadn’t been perfect in my life. But, I deserve so much more than someone that criticizes literally everything I do.

Me before and after the relationship ended

I never wore the right clothes.
My makeup was either gaudy or I wasn’t wearing enough.
I would spend too much time on the phone.
The house wasn’t clean enough.
I laughed too loud or he hated the sound of it.
The dogs were too loud or didn’t listen to him well enough.
I spent too much time with friends and family and not enough with him.
I was too committed to my work and to church activities.

In the end, I wasn’t eating or sleeping well and had absolutely no confidence in myself at all. My depression hit an all time high and I didn’t remember what a smile felt like. It was definitely a low point in my life.

Every aspect of my life was dictated by him and I honestly thought it was because he loved me and just wanted me to be a better person. Because I was young and I listened to him when it told me that he was helping me to grow as a person.

He wasn’t helping me grow. He was tearing me down.

What Is Love?

Love is kindness.
Love is compassion.
Love is patience.
Love is acceptance.
Love is partnership.
Love is honesty.
Love is loyalty.
Love is dedication.
Love is long-lasting.
Love is helpful.
Love is whatever you make it so long as you feel respected and emotionally sated.

Photo by Paul García on Unsplash

What Love Isn’t

Love isn’t jealous.
Love isn’t unkind.
Love isn’t abusive.
Love isn’t neglectful.
Love isn’t resentful.
Love isn’t angry.
Love isn’t constant criticism.

In my experience, love makes you feel wonderful and like you have a teammate that will support you through life’s ups and downs.

Is every day perfect? No. Hell no.

Nothing in life is perfect. But having someone that genuinely cares for your wellbeing and is willing to put you before themselves in some instances feels amazing.

I want my friend to find that and to walk away from this relationship if he’s not willing to treat her well. Some people can change but he hasn’t yet. So, I’m not sure that he will.

She deserves someone that cares and is nice to her. I hope she finds the strength one day to walk away. But, I know that the decision is truly up to her in the end.

Thanks for reading!

Ivy

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