What's Your Sex Number?
How many people have you slept with?
I’ve never asked my wife that question. She’s asked me. I’m pretty sure I told her years ago when we were first dating, but I haven’t answered the question since – I’m smarter than that now.
She tries being sneaky by asking at different times. After I’ve had a few beers. When we are snuggled up and happy together. After she’s had a few glasses of wine. After we have made love. I still don’t tell her. She’ll continue to ask, of that I’m sure.
How do you even answer that question? Should you tell the truth or fudge the numbers? Do you know what your number is?
Is it even wise to tell your number to your partner?
I think it’s one of those areas in life that you never know how the other person will react. Keeping it a secret might be a smart way to navigate these frothy waters. Being somewhat of a mystery does carry a few benefits I hear.
Since this isn’t the 1950’s anymore, people are getting married later and later in life. Over the past 70 years in America the median age of first marriage has increased from 23 to 28 for men, and 20 to 26 for women. It only makes sense that the number of people you have sex with in your life would also rise. We aren’t sitting around being celibate until we meet ‘the one’, at least a vast majority of us aren’t. I wasn’t.
A recent online survey of 2,000 adults in the Europe and U.S. was conducted. It showed that between 2-15 sexual partners is considered normal. With the ideal number being between 7-8. It also showed that 70% of people think that the previous sexual history should be discussed in the first 4 months of a relationship, and that 9% of people would be very likely to breakup with someone if they thought their number was too high.
Are you one of those 9% that would end the relationship?
If you are already dating, falling in love, or together forever, will knowing the number change that? If you like the person for who they are it might be best to let the past stay there. If you find your partner charming, attractive and want to spend time with them, wouldn’t it make sense that another person has too, before you? Would their number change your thoughts about your partner?
I understand why some people might want to know. They might want to gauge the probability of sexual health issues. Or being totally open about it could help the two of you emotionally bond. For some there could even be religious reasons.
I don’t ask my wife her number. I don’t want to know because, as must as I hate to admit it, I know I would be jealous inside. I know that I shouldn’t be. It was before she ever met me. But the next time we were intimate would I be thinking about ‘the other guys’?
Would I ask for their names to search for them online to compare myself to them? If we have an argument, would her number be one of the insults I hurl at her? Would I judge her? Would I still look at my wife the same way?
Because I think this way I fear she might too. So I keep my number locked away.
If I found out her number I probably wouldn't let it get to me, but maybe it would. Once the number is told there is no forgetting it. Do I risk knowing or do I keep the past in the past?
I found my answer. Not knowing. I am content with that.
On a subject like this I believe there is no correct answer. Feel free to leave a comment with your opinion, I would like to hear it. I love to learn about different ways we all view a situation.
As for me, I have deduced that I wasn't her first and I think she knows that my number is higher than hers. More than that, we have shared so much together in our six years as a couple, two years married, and one year as parents together (with another on the way) – I don’t need to know any more specifics.
What we have is the right to insist that here is where the counting stops.
P.S.
Louisiana, what is going on my friend? Is that all Mardi Gras or what?
Source
@getonthetrain
Does it matter? You could have slept with one and got every single STD known to man. You could have slept with 100 and be careful and got out clean.
Also does masturbation count? if not. why not? why is flesh touching flesh so weird? The statistics above say nothing other than describing a post-hoc western narrative. marriage is a joke and people need answers to questions they already really answered but refuse to accept.
I agree with you about the STD part.
I would have to say if masterbation counts I'm in Wilt Chamberlain's league!
A person's "sex number" isn't relevant for jealousy reasons. Of course a person in his/her 20s or 30s is going to have had sex before, and as long as they aren't historically cheaters, the fact that they had relationships in the past isn't some kind of deal-breaker.
Where the dreaded number becomes relevant is that it tells you about the kind of person you're dealing with and whether you and (s)he are on the same page when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.
Some people consider sex to be something important. Something intimate and special, done between people who are in love, as an expression of that love. These people will tend to have a low number, and the entirety of that number will have occurred within the context of committed monogamous relationships of a respectable length. People that (s)he loved.
Other people think that sex is a fairly trivial, fun, primarily recreational act. Just something people do to blow off steam. Sure, they've had past relationships that were, of course, sexual. And they've probably also had one-night stands, some friend-with-benefit/fuck-buddy relationships in between real relationships, and so on. And their number is impressively huge, quite a bit of it outside the context of conventional relationships.
If your partner's number is huge, that's an indicator that your partner doesn't consider sex to be something extremely intimate and special. More like a video game. Something trivial that people do for fun. A mere physical act. If you don't feel the same way about sex, you're probably not a good fit for that partner.
This is a very well thought out comment and adds value to the conversation.
I think you have articulated what I had in my mind. If my wife knows how large my number is, and I have reason to think hers is in the single digits, how is she going to think about our relationship. Is she going to think of it differently? I don't think there is much to gain by letting my number out, so I don't - to maintain the status quo.
Do you really want to conceal who you are, what you're like, and what sex means to you...from your wife?
I've told my wife about my past, just not the exact number.
Most high-number people rationalize that by claiming that sex is completely contextual. It means one thing in one circumstance and one thing in another circumstance. Therefore, the exact number doesn't matter.
A guy or girl like this will focus on the fact that (s)he has never cheated on someone, or cheated only rarely when much younger, and even though (s)he has had casual sex outside of a committed relationship, it was still meaningful with a person (s)he was very close with. And even though (s)he has had (potentially numerous) one-night-stands, those don't matter so much because they were "just sex", and (s)he never saw those people again.
But today (s)he is with you, and sex means something every single time, because sex can mean different things at different times and places with different people -- so the number doesn't matter! No judging!
Usually, this situation happens in reverse, with the girl being the formerly promiscuous one. Married guys who have very tame, once-a-month and birthdays-only sex with a very sexually reserved and conservative wife, learning that, holy cow, she was a major freak in college. He had to take her out on 24 dates just to get to that first time, but three years before they met, she was screwing strangers in bar bathrooms in positions she won't try with him because she's not like that any more and it would make her feel slutty.
I don't read about the reverse as much, where the guy has the more promiscuous past and the girl's the one freaking out. Women tend to be more likely to freak out if you bought your last girlfriend flowers every week and took her on European vacations, but you took your wife to McDonalds on her last birthday. The sex isn't as big of a deal for them.
@archwinger we reached max depth on comment replies.
You have VERY informative comments, which leads me to believe that you are trained in these matters.
Maybe I should tell her my number when she asks next. From what you say, I don't think she will freak out - but she will probably probe further. I will have to think on it. Again, thank you for taking the time to analyze and reply.
thanks for posting @getonthetrain, your work is of high standard. Hope you get some more attention
Thank you very much for your support jaycob, and for all that you do to help minnows
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