Healthy Relationship Tip #9: You Don't Have The Power To Change Anyone
The one person that you can change very easily in your relationship is YOURSELF. Don't go into a relationship with the mindset of changing your partner because you can't. Only your partner can change himself /herself if he/she wants to.
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Most relationships are experiencing more problems than they should have been experiencing because one partner is trying to change the other to conform to his/her image. You see them putting pressure on the other partner with their words and actions either directly or indirectly to conform to what they want such a partner to be. The sad thing about expecting your partner to change or do things for your partner in hope that you could bribe him/her to change with your good deeds is that, you start getting frustrated and unconsciously exhibiting your frustration through your actions in the relationship when you don't start seeing the change you're expecting in him/her.
Going into a relationship with someone in hope that you could make him/her change the aspects of himself /herself that you don't like is a very big risk. What if he/she doesn't see the need for change and refuse to change? What are you going to do then? You can't make anyone that doesn't see the need for change, change. If i have to change an aspect of my life, i have to see the need for such change and the benefits that such a change will add to my life before i will be willing to effect such a change in my life.
Most of us want our partners to chang without our partners seeing the need for such. We're seeing something wrong in them that they themselves aren't seeing as wrong. Thus they are repelling all our moves to change them and wondering why we are getting so overbearing, rebellious and annoying. While we that are trying to change them are wondering why they are getting so stubborn, uncaring, insensitive and unloving. These feelings over time, create a barrier between us and our partners that becomes very difficult to break and eventually leads to the death of the relationship.
We need to understand that we don't have the power to change anyone. Our love or good deeds can't compel a person that doesn't see the need for change to change. Don't go into a relationship with someone that you hope to change. You can't change him/her. Anyone that you don't accept completely, you can hardly love completely. Your love for such a person will start fading when he/she starts resisting the aspects of himself/herself that you don't accept and is trying to change.
You can't change anyone, but you can change your reaction to aspects of your partner that you don't like. Sometimes, our partners are not the ones with the problem but we ourselves. We are the ones that keep finding faults and reacting harshly to every little thing. Maybe if we stop concentrating on changing our partners and start concentrating on changing ourselves and how we relate with our partners, our relationships will be more enjoyable.
Relationship can't be enjoyed in an environment of tension and confrontation. Trying to change our partners without them consenting leads to tension, confrontation and resentment in the relationship. The problem that some of us are experiencing in our relationships may not necessarily be from our partners but from us. Let's take a break from trying to improve or change our partners and invest the effort in trying to improve ourselves and change our reactions to our partners' weaknesses and see if our relationships won't improve. We can cause more changes in our relationships if we start working on changing the person that we can easily change in the relationship( ourselves ) than working on changing our partners.
Every relationship stands a chance at succeeding if the partners in the relationship can concentrate on working on themselves and changing themselves for the good of the relationship instead of trying to change each other. No one can actually change anyone that doesn't see the need for change. Don't destroy your relationship with your own hands because you want to compel your partner to change. Work on yourself and your reaction and everything will fall into place in your relationship.
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Yes it is right. Nice article.
A relationship means to coordinate with your patner whatever his/her nature and behavior.
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Hi @resuscitate
What about getting into a relationship with assumption that both partners are willing to change themselfs as a way to compromise? As a way of "meeting in the middle"?
I believe that I have a power to change my partner. But I give my partner power to change me. I listen to her and I also share what bothers me. And I do work on behavious (changing myself) knowing that she does it too.
By giving respect, listening and trying to change myself Im ensuring that when I will ask her to change some behaviour (which I don't like) - she will do what I ask her for.
Therfore I believe that trying to change your partner is not anything bad, as long as you're ready first to change yourself for your partner.
It is also quite important to be able (mutually) to tell your partner if you're not ready for some particular change. After all most of the time we may be ready to adjust our lifestyle and behaviours to satisfy our partners. But we all also have our limits.
What do you think?
Yours
Piotr
Thanks for sharing your thought. Here's what I think: you can't change your partner but you can influence your partner to change. Relationship becomes a success when the partners in it make a conscious effort to improve on themselves for the good of their relationship. You partner will not change whether you talk or not until he/she see the need for the change.
Assumption is one of the causes of frustration in a relationship. You only know yourself and what you can do. When we hope that our partner would do something that we think is necessary and he/she falls to do what we're expecting them to do, we start getting frustrated and our frustration is shown in how we relate with such a partner.
Compromise is necessary in all relationship, but it's a decision that your partner has to make by himself/herself without any pressure from you. A pressured compromise leads to resentment. Only your partner can decide on what to compromise on and what not to compromise on. Expecting your partner to do something that he/she is not willing to do will put strain in your relationship with such partner.
Assumption kills relationship. Only your partner has the power to change himself/herself. Regardless of what you say or do in your relationship, if your partner doesn't see the need to change or do what you want, he/she will never do it and that will be the beginning of disagreement in your relationship.
You can influence your partner to change but you don't have the power to change your partner. only your partner has the power to change himself/herself if they see the need for such change.
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I love how always responsive you are @resuscitate
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