Secret Letters of a Broken Heart (Part 1 of 3)

beanz (68)in #relationship • 8 years ago (edited)

Through tears she wrote...

The letter I sent you before was cruel and nasty. Those are not my colours I just couldn’t help being angry with you for taking away the man who made me happy. I’m probably just committing myself to several more days of torture by sending this.

It’s so hard to think positive knowing that I no longer have you.

The one person who could make me feel better is gone at the time I need him most. And I need you more than ever now that I have lost you. And this is how I suffer every time you are angry with me.

I am so angry with you for ruining what a beautiful thing we had. And I understand that you fear and you are afraid of expressing that. I keep thinking over what I could have done to prevent what happened and it all boils down to a weakness in the both of us.

Nobody can control their emotions but we are supposed to acknowledge what we are feeling and control our reactions. I thought maybe because we both feel so deeply that we were meant to be. But being over sensitive makes us over-react and like I told you long ago that makes this a dangerous love.

I knew that this one was going to hurt.

We both went in prepared to get hurt but I don’t think you realised that the loss and rejection you may feel now is something I’ve been feeling every month. I don’t think you realised that whenever you got angry or annoyed at me I suffered deeply. And you’re clueless to how much I suffer now that you are gone or you would be here if you still loved me. And I can’t take the pain anymore. When I suffer all I want is you and you banished me from speaking to you. And I waited all night for you to call because I couldn’t sleep and I knew I had to eat. And I hadn’t eaten anything since the crackers and cream cheese and I knew I had to eat. But I didn’t know how long you were going to leave me and I knew I had to eat!

So I tried to end the suffering myself. I couldn’t take the pain anymore I needed it to be over. I thought I would die and perhaps I will.

It’s so unfair that other couples get to love each other and be together but you and I are doomed because neither of us can handle the emotions.

I wish there was a way that I could have trusted you. I know I hurt you when I moved out. In my mind I was never to move in until I felt I could trust you and I could only see that happening if we both made the same commitment. And I loved living with you, waking up with you everyday, making efforts for you, being with you.

But how could I trust you not to throw me out or leave me when you had done both before. I needed security and time and we needed to fight without causing hurricanes to regrow that trust.

I couldn’t even be your friend on Facebook because I couldn’t trust you to respect my views or opinions. You used to say you liked that my opinions sometimes challenged yours.

Slowly you were breaking us.

I got so close to trusting you again. In the kitchen you caught me crying and I was so afraid. I didn’t want you to see me upset over the things you were saying because I was afraid I couldn’t trust you to listen. And for a moment I lay my heart bare on the table for you because you told me to and you took your fist and smashed it into the wood.

And that was it. My biggest fear was facing me and chasing me away. And he took my things and threw them out the door like my love was nothing to him. He even stopped for a moment to say that he will want me again but not today. As if he could choose when to love me according to his needs - completely disregarding mine.

He is not the man I love. He doesn’t know how to love. You do though. I remember you though it’s been a while…

When I went to buy you that record player I didn’t know I loved you then. But I knew you were a good man who worked hard and looked after himself and his family and I thought you deserved something good.

I never expected the reaction I got. You were in tears. That’s when I fell in love. I knew it then that you were the most beautiful man in the world. And when we tried to give up beer for lent and you got upset at me for leaving because you knew you would break your lent. I love that man. The man who teared up when he took me for dinner just from talking about second chances in life. He was so open and unafraid of his emotions. So unafraid of love.

But sometimes you like to play the hard man.

That man who doesn’t care and shows no love or compassion. He likes to talk about himself and how he can handle anything. He bigs himself up in order to feel protected and untouchable. But he is afraid deep down and I can see his vulnerability.

When we were shopping that day that I thought would be wonderful, you put your hands on me and sent a chill up my spine. It was so easy for you to make me happy. I couldn’t tell you in a public place but I just wanted to get you home. But on that journey you got a call from the person who always seems to trigger something in you. She has something over you whether you know it or not because as soon as her name leaves your mouth you become another person. And your anger is not geared at her alone.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken it to heart, I tried to ignore how it made me feel like I should disregard my own feelings but on the other hand what if I had said something? We didn’t always communicate well. You mostly talked, I mostly listened. You didn’t want to listen to things that could annoy you and you didn’t want to care so I bottled my feelings out of fear that you would reject them. I was afraid to join in your conversation while you were getting mad so I held back the tears as long as I could. She’s the mother of your kids and I don’t feel it’s my place to talk about it.

And your hug relieved me and since then that’s all I’ve wanted is your hug. But then where did you go? That beautiful soft man, why are you so afraid to be soft with me? You have a lot to be proud of but I don’t see why that should make you hard. What upsets me is not knowing what brings him out in you. It makes me wonder have I done something wrong and soon I start to feel like I can’t do anything right. Have I done something to scare you from being honest with me? What has happened my beautiful man and why have I been left with the defensive hard man who won’t even try to understand me and refuses to care about or acknowledge how he makes me suffer.

It shouldn’t be so easy for you to hurt me.

When I gave you my heart I gave you the power to make me happy & the power to make me sad. You choose how you use it and you haven’t been very careful about that. I should hate you for taking the man I love away from me but instead I can’t even hate you because I can’t stop wondering if I am to blame. Is there a reason you try to act tough around me?

Is it just a man you used to be but can’t shake off when you hear her voice? Why do I never see your emotional side anymore? Have I disappointed you and let you down? You see, it’s that hard man who doesn’t care that I’m afraid of.

I know you care I know it hurts but you do and you have to! You have a heart of gold but it has a massive chip in it and the edges are sharp and they cut me deep. Sometimes I think you are trying to embrace that chip rather than letting it heal so that it can make you hard and you won’t have to care.

I appreciate that you were good to me. You made sure to do things right. But I didn’t always do things right and you would get angry and I would forgive you and try harder but you didn’t appreciate that I was trying harder and sometimes I felt useless to you but I still tried.

And now that I have probably hurt you I expect you to be less forgiving than I have.

We made a great team and you were my best friend.

But you’ve let me down and I don’t know how to let you go. Perhaps this doesn’t even matter to you anymore and I should accept that you pushed me away for a reason. Perhaps I killed it when I couldn’t commit to you completely out of fear of that man lurking in the chip of your heart ready to stop loving me and put another crack in mine while showing no remorse.

I’m sorry I was afraid of expressing these fears to you.

I had dreams I’ve been afraid of expressing too. I’m never truly certain that you love me, because you don’t always make me feel loved. I dreamt of moving to London with you but I fear that you’d rather go without me. I would have let you go too and made it easy for you to see your kids when you came home if you would have wanted the help. I would have done anything for you.

I expect this may be too much emotion to handle even on paper and this may well be burning in the fire before you’ve even read this far. You’ve given me no signs that you want to fix this and if you have read this far it probably sounds like a whole lot of work.

And it would be.

It would be work for me too because I would need to learn to trust you again. To do that you need to prove that my feelings matter to you even when I’ve been a pain in your ass. Because I can’t help it if I annoy you sometimes and you’re not perfect either. It isn’t fair to get angry with me over petty reasons or because you assume I am saying something that I am not. If you cannot learn to control how you react to your anger and acknowledge that I am not responsible for your frustration then any attempt at fixing us would put us through this death again. I cannot agree with everything you say or do but I respect your opinion and your freedom to run your life as a man.

For a long time I have not felt the same respect from you.

I’m not expecting an overnight transformation or eventual perfection or for you to even want to fix this after everything. If it’s too hard or it doesn’t matter to you then walk away. But if you can’t walk away then give me a reason to trust you. And please stop breaking my heart by loving me one day but not the next.

And if the truth is you’re just lonely then don’t choose me.