Everyone sleeps but me, I rose early and walked around the house. Oh if these walls could talk. The things they have heard and seen, memories that I have blocked from my mind and those ones that I now so dearly wish to remember. My innocence was held within these walls, trapped for a very long time. There was a time when all that fell on this home was silence, except when my parents argued and they screamed the walls down.

As a child I was always told to be quiet, to not make any noise for fear of upsetting my father. I obeyed out of pure fear, for I knew only too well what the consequences were of doing so. Today is my last morning here and these were not the memories I wanted to remember, but this house still stands, like a dark shadow within my life, it is hard to ignore the heaviness that falls upon me still when I enter it's doors. The bad out numbers the good.

My mother recently asked me and my younger sister if either one of us would move back here, when both her and my father were no longer with us. I could never, this was their life, their path, something I felt like I was dragged along in and I have desire to move here, my life is elsewhere. My younger sister also has no desire to live here and my mother was visibly upset that neither one of us wanted to. But then she is kind of in denial about our past and she put so much energy into this, her home. She would love to see one of us take it over. But I cannot lie to her, I will not just to keep the peace. For so long, everything was kept under wraps in this home, but no longer.

These last few days the house has come alive, by the sound of my girls, exploring, singing and by being allowed to be children. Something I was not. It took me until I was in my 20's to have the courage to express myself openly and freely. To actually feel comfortable to shout for joy, to cry out loud, to finally break free from my childhood and youth that was constantly muted. To break free and find my voice.

So many memories within these walls, so many I do not remember and then those that I do, those with my older sister. The many times we comforted one another, hiding under the blankets of our bed, creating wonderful adventures together. the many times we danced together, turning the music up loud when no one else was in the house and acting like the superstars we were sure we would become. I always have such mixed emotions being here, so much more healing needs to be done.

I wrote this poem over a year ago, whilst I was in this house, it was published on here back then, but it still rings through today and in reading it again it was exactly what I needed to hear. I leave it with you all!

It is dark outside,
and I allow that darkness to creep in,
I sit on my childhood bed,
I feel the recognition begin,
I could lose myself inside my head.

If I close my eyes,
I could return
I could open myself up
I could teach myself, I could re learn
I could strip back all of these protective layers
I could expose myself to that which caused me such pain
but my instinct tells me to hold back
to breathe deep and allow the past to rest, to restrain
from starting a new game,
is it from shame,
that I feel this way,
Why is it that I want to blame,
my indecisive mind, from sharing all,
so that I can be seen as being tame.

But I am wild,
I am not what I seem,
I carry myself, a child like dream,
inside of me, as I advance
as I begin this most intimate dance,
I can be calm,
yet inside a storm can rage,
I can be angry, and tear at every page,
my life as a book,
on display with this words,
I can be anyone, I can play and be a bird,
just watch me glide,
watch me soar,
I can be so much more.
I am not to be placed in a box or a tin,
I am not out, to take from you or to win,
I use my words, they are my power,
they give me life, they are my flower,
for if I am a seed for change,
to blossom now, I shall engage,
to use this opportunity to transpire
to lead my life, to be free and empower.

Pictures were taken by me.

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