My Battle of Self-Defeat vs Self-Actualization.
DISCLAIMER: I'm a bit critical of myself often. This is one of those times.
Let me start with what I actually mean first.
Within each of us is a driving force to do what we believe is productive, or moral, or socially acceptable, etc... Regardless of how we externalize and manifest this driving force, it is still there and waiting to be used. However, there is a maliciousness that is coupled with our driving force that slowly, but surely, builds up insecurities over time. This is especially the case for myself. And as I try my very best to move forward, I always seem to stumble three more steps in the reverse and get more frustrated. This frustration then feeds into a cycle that holds quite readily self-actualizing scrutiny, or self-defeating scrutiny.
When it comes to this quite harsh cycle, there are generally two routes that people will take; the extroverted route and the introverted route. We all know that person who's so passionate about anything and is vocal about their passion. The person who will push their way through the tough bit in order to overcome the cycle by sheer force alone. These are the extroverts who are so motivated that it can seep out of them and bring others to task just by being so becoming of themselves.
But there is a flip side, a mirror to that approach. These individuals are almost the polar opposite in approach as their passions don't tend to overcome their internal driving forces. They're more slow to approach obstacles, and require some assistance more so than their extroverted counterparts.
Both routes can come out as self-actualizing in that the results and outcomes produce a net-positive for the individual and those around them. But at the same time, both can produce a self-defeating outcome in that the insecurities built up will instead replace the internal driving force, eventually being a detriment.
Personal Road between these two.
I've spent the better part of about 10 years figuring out what would help me get motivation to do any particular thing. For awhile I was starting to balance out the act of introversion and extroversion, while trying to force a self-actualizing outcome. To my dismay the opposite was slowly manifesting itself into my life.
Believe me when I say that this is a relative "hell/purgatory" to live in. But it's not all downhill just yet, as I've started therapy very recently and brought up these concerns. My therapist strongly believes that the answers I seek are within me mostly, and that the point of our time together is for her to help me halfway to the recognition of my self-actualization. And as you can guess I am very much an introverted person, but also very stubborn as well; it's why it has taken me many years to reach out for help.
What comes next?
It is my hope that I can self-actualize over a slow period of time, starting with one of the first things I was assigned to do; revisit my "List of things to accomplish". I'd mentioned that I had written a list many months ago ranging from goals that I would like to achieve in the short term and in the long term, but that I'd not revisited the list since I wrote it out. Perhaps I feel insecure in myself, and those anxieties are part of what stop me from moving forward. But whatever the case, I know that I should revisit the list and really contemplate what I can start doing that won't lead me to self-defeatist attitudes.
I think posting here has helped me a bit as well. I appreciate everyone so far.