Don't beat yourself up. It's not worth it.
Last night I was watching a short clip of Dr. Jordan Peterson discussing his opinions on the usage of antidepressants. One of the biggest things that hit me was him saying;
Half the time I spend with my clients is me trying to get them to agree to try antidepressants because they feel so "guilty" that they're relying on an external crutch to get their lives together.
This struck me as hard as a train because for so long I had neglected getting any form of help for not only my depression, but my ADHD, and the manic episodes I experience. I'd always thought that it was a fault of my own for being unable to be "better", a massive character flaw if you would. But I realize that there are just things that cannot be helped within us, especially neurological problems that then have psychological outcomes.
Mental disorders should be treated.
It is quite true that there is a large stigma around mental disorders. There is largely an unacceptance around what they are, if they should be treatable, and if even they exists. But the science is there, the outcomes are visible, and the affects on everyone around you can be quantified. So do not think that you are weak, or that there is something inherently wrong with who you are. I truly believe that seeking psychological help is the first logical step, and do not hold back on seeking medical help as well.
And remember, mindfulness and moderation are always key for help. Discuss medical options with your doctor, I know I will be doing that very soon.
Sometimes I think that all of these posts about psychology are just a way for me to convince myself to take the next step, the step that I'm very weary about.