Sometimes stepping back is the only thing that you can do

raymondspeaks (69)in #psychology • 7 years ago (edited)

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink it

I remember hearing this quote a long time ago from one of my colleagues when I was just starting out in my adventures of healing others. I can remember thinking that the quote was stupid, because of course you couldn't make it drink the water; it's head was too funny of a shape to be forced into it -- what was the damn point of saying something we already knew?

It wasn't until I trained my first young man up to lead, to be strong, to help others, and to be able to say sorry and mean it; put all my working effort into a man I could quite possibly see achieving more than I could have had and at a much early age than I did, and be comfortable with his emotions; visibly go off the rails that I truly understood what that phrase meant.

Without going into too much detail this lad was quite honestly, one of the most intelligent people that I had ever come across. But he had problems in his life; major problems. Basically this young man had no love at home. His Mum and Dad couldn't give a flying fuck what he would get up to with his life and as a result he had curated his own friend circle that didn't respect him, and out of the pain of not knowing what it's like to feel loved; the black abyss that is abandonment, he had turned to drugs. Sound like anyone familiar?

This kid was me as a younger man.

So you could probably understand that I already had compassion and empathy and a deep seated longing for this young man to heal and better his life, right?

Right.

So here he was with me, making massive steps in his career, gaining local respect because working in the position I had him in was front-line and dealing with fifty to a hundred people per day. His position was a really respectable one in his community. He was helping people to understand computers, basically he had turned himself into an IT Trainer. It wasn't just any old IT Trainer though, he was working with the most vulnerable in people in society and giving them the confidence to get with the times. Quite technical if you think about it.

Quite frankly he took to it like a fish in water.

But there were times when he needed guidance, he needed steering in the right direction, and I asked, no pleaded with him that if he had any burning issues on his mind that he felt safe to talk with me about them, and he did. See, I had been through it all too. I understood the putrid fear of being abandoned, the longing for someone to just love me for who I was, and I knew all too well the wanting to make it go away with ramming drugs down my throat to euthanize the thoughts and feelings of emptiness. That was an all too familiar walk for me, and I wanted him to come to me if he ever needed it.

Sadly I lost this kid in the Ocean of humanity eventually. His problems grew in intensity and he just stopped turning up one day and there was fucking nothing I could do about it. Nothing. Zero. Zilch.
Nada.

I did cry if you want to know; it was heartbreaking. It was heartbreaking to slowly watch him implode and then just be lost to me forever. The guidance, the steering, nothing, it didn't matter for shit when push came to a shove because I knew I wasn't a parent, or anyone with significant control over his life to take him by the scruff of the neck and steer him onto the right path.

It didn't stop there either; I started to think about all the times I had failed this boy, and there were a few. I mean I've always tried to do my best but I'm not perfect, and any mentor or guidance person will tell you that there are times that we royally fuck up - we are all imperfect at heart but that still didn't stop me from cutting myself up over the past mistakes I had made with him. When you invest in someone so deeply it's tough when that bond is ripped apart.

He was one of my first, but not the last.

It's why I've had to take a step back in life since then. That young man, aswell as teaching him a great few lessons, he also taught me a few important ones. Getting invested in a person is awesome but I had to learn when it's time to hang back, or my frenzy to clutch at control would ultimately lead to whoever I was working with to fight back. The ability to watch the world crumble around me whilst sitting by and doing nothing about it isn't an easy feat. It's why I write about these things -- I am helping others indirectly. It solves both my need to save the world and also to hang back. People can take what they must from my writing, but there is no need to take away anything at all.

So when you ask why I write so deeply..

..now you know!