My Castle in the Clouds

Note: This was written a few months ago when I was having a rough day, one of the few writing spurs that I have, I am putting it here as a predecessor to my post on my experience with autisim. I will link to that post in the comments. Enjoy!

12-12-17
Isaiah 54:17 KJV
No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.

Life is such a strange thing to me.

Growing up I never really felt like I fit in or that anyone wanted me around. So I started building a castle. I built it way up in the clouds away from everyone so that I had my place to go when I didn't feel wanted, or when I felt overwhelmed, or awkward. I can look out of my castle, down on the world around me, see everything that is going on. I am always safe, no one can touch me in my castle. I built my castle with guards and defenses so that when I had to come out of it no one ever really got to me. The guards still follow me. The guards and defenses are still here. I've tried getting rid of them, letting them know they have done well but I don't need them any more. But they stay, doing the job I created them for, to protect me from anyone and everyone who might or could hurt me. I've tried taking down some of the walls, taking apart some of the defenses. But I had forgotten that I had built safeguards against that. They always come back, they are always rebuilt. I'm untouchable in here. I must say I did well when I first built this castle. The views are amazing, I can see everything that is going on around me, sometimes its distorted but I know its there. I have even built the castle to help me mimic what I see people doing and hear them say, that way I can stay under their radar and people leave me alone most of the time. I meet peoples expectations enough to be ignored as just another person, but stay quirky enough that they keep me at arms length. Every now and then, something gets in, through an old entrance that I had built for something, someone. There are many rooms and chambers in my castle. Ideas, designs, schemes, order, and disorder. And then there is the war room. I rarely go there, but I visit. It comes in handy sometimes. But sometimes the generals come out when I don't want them to. The guards see something and warn the generals. Then the castle go into defense mode. All the doors are sealed, gates are closed and locked. Weapons primed. Sometimes I'm glad, sometimes I'm scared. I look out to see what might have put the castle on lock-down and sometimes I worry for who or what I see outside. So many things happen in my castle. But there are times where I go up to one of the observation turrets and look out. Just to see whats happening. Most times when I look out on everything that happens around me, I feel secure inside my castles walls and go back into the depths of the castle to continue on with whatever I was working on. Every now and then though, I will spot someone, something. That makes me wonder what the castle is for, when I go back into my castle and walk around the halls are dreary, dusty, and empty. It all seems so archaic at those moments. And I'll keep going out to see what may be creating this anomaly. Eventually I find something that reassures me that my castle is safe, and there is still a reason for it. But I catch myself wondering more and more these days. More and more people want to come in past their arms length. I don't know why. I still act quirky and weird. What did I build my castle on that people are wanting to get to know this twitchy weird kid? Has something broken in my castle that I haven't found? Did I not hide something well when I first built the castle that people have just now started noticing? If so where is it and what will it take to hid it? Do I really want to hide it anymore? But then something happens and these questions go away, and I quietly, carefully, and gracefully walk down the hallways of my castle back to my laboratory. Feeling secure inside its defenses.

But still the questions remain. Why am I in here? Why did I build this and leave no way out? Is this a castle or a dungeon?

As I spend more time in my Bible I begin to think my castle was my childish response to conflict before I really understood the Bible and had Faith and a walk with God. But the castle matures with me. I thought I gave God the keys. But more and more it seems that is not true.

Life is a strange thing.