The Voice in My Head

In my head there's a voice that tells me things insistently. And it feels kind of good you know - to have an opinion. Because these thoughts matter according to that voice in my head. These thoughts mean something to someone. It feels good to get those thoughts out and have someone hear them - even if it's just me. It feels good in some way, even if its just a fantasy image of a dialogue playing out - with this voice in my had in the imagined position of power and prestige.

It feels good to be right about things, even if that means someone has to be wrong. It's OK though, because they are wrong (and therefore they deserve to be wrong). It feels good to sound authoritative. Actually people respond quite well to this confidence, tell me what to do (because I have no clue). I will talk as if there was no question of my rightness. "Of course I know what I am talking about, and of course my contemplations are relevant and succinct". Are they though? Perhaps they are quite mad. It seems as if people have been telling me one way or another to be confident about this voice in my head. They've been telling me for my whole life. And now I sit down to think about it... What am I confident about? - My thoughts? A strange proposition, given the nature of this voice inside my head.

When it comes to this 'mind' game, there seems to be different kinds of confidence. First there's a confidence where we puff ourselves up like pigeons and play the role of confidence. We prove the point, we go over the top. Upon observation this seems to be largely what the social game is about, winning points of some kind. It's got a lot to do with gauging where we are in relation to everyone else, and acting accordingly. We have those that are lowly, and if we see ourselves as above them then we act accordingly. Of course we also have to recognize our superiors. It seems awfully complicated to me, and I must admit that more than one person has been shocked when I failed to recognize their inferiority or superiority in relation to me.

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Kinds of Confidence

That is one kind of confidence, this idea that I am better than you and can treat you like shit, or that you're better than me and I should beg for your approval. In a funny kind of way they are both playing the same game, they are trying to prove some kind of point. The inferior individual begs life for mercy, continually stating his own powerlessness - then dialogue-ing around how life and other people have done this to him. The superior individual relies on others to play the inferior role otherwise the distinction is meaningless. Therefore he lives a life continually trying to prove his superiority, which involves intimidating others into that submissive role, and creating stories that engender his own grandeur.

I'm not particularly interested in those games - so I am thankful there's another kind of confidence. It's a confidence that comes from somewhere else, it's hard to really get to the bottom of it. It's a confidence that is so confident that it doesn't need validation from anyone. It doesn't even care what we ourselves think, it doesn't really care for anything. That sounds pretty radical to me, and to be honest I would rather be that kind of confident. Because it's probably a false confidence if it needs to gain approval and play power games. To be confident for no reason, yet to have no need to prove this confidence - that makes sense to me. It seems natural to me, and it seems uncomplicated.

It's simple, too simple. Well - for the voice in my head anyway

So let's go back a bit and see if we are on the same page. There's this voice in my head that likes to talk about things, with the primary goal of proving something, making points, and being right. If I was inclined to believe that the voice in my head really was me, then there is certainly the potential that I would spend my entire life stuck in these games. Imagine that, an old man of eighty four with nothing to celebrate but a life of trying to prove that I was right. Surely this would be a bitter way to spend my twilight years.

Implications

It's actually insane if you ask me, that this kind of madness circles round inside a person. Yet the real doozie is the simple fact that I am sitting here typing - and reflecting on the fact that I am aware of that voice in my head. Somehow I am one step removed from it, so I might deduce that the voice in my head is actually apart from me. There's a lot of possibility in that observation. It's actually rather fortunate - because if I am the voice in my head with always a point to prove - then I shall never find peace in this life time.

And yes you would be entirely right in saying that I have gone and introduced another voice from my head - the one relaying all of this 'meta-information' about the various voices in my head. So somehow or other it's actually necessary to have some kind of voice in order to say things to people. It does seem to be the case that these voices inside us vary a great deal, some times they are kind and benevolent and some times they are cruel and selfish. I would be hard pressed to come up with a mechanism to figure out what influences this voice inside me. It almost seems random, and that is certainly the experience that many people have - especially schizophrenics.

There doesn't seem to be an option of just flip this switch to turn off the wayward voices in our heads. Although this seems like a valid option to a lot of people who are working on various strategies. One of my favorites was drinking large amounts of alcohol, yet even that only temporarily shuts down this ability to think. At a certain point I realized that to suppress these bad thoughts and feelings was also to suppress my very life force its self. So I gave up that kind of death seeking, suffice to say I don't touch a drop of drink now.

We can't get rid of this voice in our heads, without also removing our bright sparkle of life. It's all part of the package. We must also admit that it feels quite good to be clever some times, the mind has fun and not so fun aspects. It's a part of us so we might as well get used to it, we may as well figure out a way to live together peacefully.

So how exactly do we do that?

I certainly have some ideas, but I'm done listening to the voice in my head for now. What I am far more interested in - is what the voice inside YOUR head has to say about this conundrum. Please comment below if you're inspired to say anything at all.