What a touching piece. And sad.
I am saying this from a place of 'recovery'. - you sound very, very similar to me.

I have two conflicting issues with this ( as I am sure you encounter yourself)
1/ When I was receiving 'sympathy' for being in a shitty place - It only made things worse
2/ When I was looking inwards, trying to work out what was wrong with me - it only made things worse
3/When I said 'fuck all this' and walked away, with no money ( well $700), lived by the seat of my pants, and lived IN THE MOMENT, EVERYDAY, NO PLANS it got better.
I still get those moments of course, but now think the tools are unconsciously
hardwired - A bad week now, is no problem.
I wish you all all the luck in the world - look outwards, no matter how much you don't want to !- If you are looking out, you can't be looking in.

A personal perspective