Dealing With Loss

“I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky,
But why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine? “ ~ Pearl Jam – Black

An inevitability of this life we all live, is that some day we will experience loss. In one or more of its many forms. From the loss of a loved one, or the end of a relationship; from the realisation that things could have been, should have been different; or the changes our bodies go through, as disabilities or age take their toll, there are multiple ways we experience the pain of loss. And it's never an easy thing to deal with.

I think that, for all the difficulties that dealing with loss can present, ultimately it is one of the things that define us. Loss is a product of life. Whilst it is not uniquely human, as animals have been shown to feel loss also, it appears to afflict humans in a far greater capacity. From my observations it is humans who have shown an ability to mourn the loss of concepts, not just loved ones. The loss of meaning, or purpose. The loss of hope. The psychological afflictions.

There are steps one can take to help ease the pain of loss, to hold oneself together, as you allow time to come to your aid and start the healing process. And these can be very beneficial. But I am more intrigued by why we suffer from loss. Why the suffering?

“...we never ask, never, how to live - to live with delight, with enchantment, with beauty every day. We have accepted life as it is with all its agony and despair and have got used to it, and think of death as something to be carefully avoided. But death is extraordinarily like the life we know how to live. You cannot live without dying. You cannot live if you do not die psychologically every minute. This is not an intellectual paradox. To live completely, wholly, every day as if it were a new loveliness, there must be dying to everything of yesterday, otherwise you live mechanically, and a mechanical mind can never know what love is or what freedom is. “ ~  J Krishnamurti – Freedom From the Known 

In studying Krishnamurti's work I have come to a realisation of the role the mind plays in creating images of the thing, separate to the thing itself. To be with what is, means to communicate directly with what is, and not the image, the concept we hold of what is, within our mind. That is separation. When that occurs we live in the mind, not in reality. And the perception of separation creates the feeling of loss.

In the above quote Krishnamurti speaks about dying psychologically every minute. In every moment we need to let the past go, and instead be here, in this moment, with what is. This is what I believe he means when he says to die psychologically. To not bring the past, the pain, the loss, with us into this new moment.

The Buddha dealt with this topic, and has many teachings to help understand loss, as it relates to attachment, and how to deal with it.

“"According to the Buddhist point of view, non-attachment is exactly the opposite of separation. You need two things in order to have attachment: the thing you’re attaching to, and the person who’s attaching. 

In non-attachment, on the other hand, there’s unity. There’s unity because there’s nothing to attach to. If you have unified with the whole universe, there’s nothing outside of you, so the notion of attachment becomes absurd. Who will attach to what?"

Because we think we have intrinsic existence within our skin, and what's outside our skin is "everything else," that we go through life grabbing for one thing after another to make us feel safe, or to make us happy. “ ~ http://buddhism.about.com/od/basicbuddhistteachings/a/attachment.htm

What both Buddha and Krishnamurti are speaking of is the belief in separation. Mentally perceiving all as outside oneself (because, obviously, it is at the physical level). Through coming to an understanding of the inherent connectedness of all things, and working to hold that concept in the moment, it is possible to start to heal the pain of loss. To heal the pain of all suffering.

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” ~ Matthew 7:12

I believe the ultimate loss is the feeling of separation with life itself. With all that is. The psychological traps we have built within ourselves to enforce separation and distance, to the point we have lost sight of the truth. That which I do to you, I do also to myself. And the loss I feel is the loss of connection with all that is.