Progress

So last night was one of my women's support group meetings. We generally meet twice a month.

It was a pretty good meeting. I had been thinking ahead, to things I wanted to talk about or share ahead of time. To me, there's nothing worse than silence, given the opportunity to share and talk about issues (Jupiter in Gemini here and I'm almost always talking too much. Or not), and I hate drawing a blank when I have SO much to talk about just because I can't think of what to say!! So I was ready. It was a constructive meeting. Er, therapy session.

I wanted to talk about Letting Go.

For one thing, its a huge part of my Solar Return chart/map for the next year from my birthday, July 16. Jupiter in Scorpio in the 8th house. I had just run the chart off to study it so these thoughts were fresh.

BUT. Letting go when you are a hardcore codependent, is easier said than done. Or better yet, just HOW does one constructively and in healthy ways, let go exactly?

I mean, I've been ... "counseled" by my spirit guides and my tarot cards to let go for quite some time now. I certainly am aware of it, this dynamic that follows me around which, I totally don't seem to understand and am also totally blind to. 'Cause I'm not a stupid person and despite a lot of focus and intent to heal, I suspect that so much of it has eluded me. This lesson.

Trust?
What was that poem I mentioned recently. The one by O. Fred Donaldson.

(" ... Tell Him that we who invented forgiveness do not forgive; That we, who speak of trust cannot trust; That we, who invoke faith would not believe... ")

Now seriously. I'm not trying to be difficult or even mean spirited, by saying this. Because it really is a blind spot and one I know could be a serious problem!! So I want to fix it. But as we were talking in group, I was describing a dynamic that happens. Where I ... commit to this idea, thinking I understand it in the context it is presented to me. Letting go. But then things happen! Things that are too scary or too dangerous to NOT do things like, throw up some protective boundaries, or slip away from well laid plans to ... take me into custody, quite possibly intended in some good ways that I really need to be helped. I can be so extremely and utterly paranoid at times too.

That trust thing.

There are reasons this is such a problem and many of them are, or were, buried deep in my subconscious. I'm not sure right now if it is a good thing or a bad thing that they are coming to light. I mean, they totally affect my reactions to people and things now in ways that might be considered dysfunctional by some. Kind of like, conditioned behavior from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I'm talking about really serious PTSD, like what soldiers on the battlefield encounter in wartime. Most of the time my fear based reactions are totally instinctual. Programmed, even. I can't tell you how many times I've thought over situations, wondering if I did the right thing, or judged things correctly.

On the other hand, weren't they influencing me MORE than they do now, with them being buried in my subconscious, where I wasn't consciously aware of them? Awareness of these ... sins that have been committed against my person. At least now I can focus on healing them ... things that have happened to me.

I guess THAT is a big theme for this year with my SR chart. With Venus and the Moon together in Virgo.

Practice DISCERNMENT. Vs. judgment. Concerning other people.

Maybe really, it comes down to taking a chance? This LETTING GO idea. (As in, not controlling)? What would that be related to? Jupiter I suspect. Gambling?

Well, Jeez. Jupiter is in Scorpio!
GULP. A lot is at stake here.

This kinda brings me along in my flow of thoughts to write about today. This idea of judgment vs. discernment. What's the difference anyway? Looking it up, I found several definitions that seemed to be describing discernment instead of judgment for the definition of judgment. For example: "the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing." It even contains the word discerning. But then a few others reared up that made more sense, in the spiritual context that I was thinking of.

Like: 'A formal utterance of an authoritative opinion.' Maybe. Sometimes. Describing the term "judgment" in a negative sense. Discernment being the evolution of judgment to something more sound and less dysfunctional, in terms of how to determine the nature of your own reality.

Ah... there we go.

Judgment: a proposition stating something believed or asserted. From Miriam Webster Dictionary.

Maybe discernment is more objective than judgment? Closer to a truthful and accurate assessment, not necessarily determined by your point of view. Or TOTALLY determined by your point of view.

I feel that this is a place where I've made tremendous progress, especially with my old black or white thinking. And yet it can still be an issue in those blind spots. Things where we are programmed to see truth one way or another. Or not see things at all.

I remember when my awakening started and I had been processing my emotional awareness for a few years. I was SO judgmental!! Now I look back and I cringe sometimes over that. But also I've worked through it too. I realize that what was happening was, as I became conscious of things on other levels of awareness, a LOT of times, it was hard to cope with. Was it just me? I mean... looking back now. The things I would find myself becoming aware of that were hidden in people often shocked the hell out of me!! Especially if it came down to something like, how I was being judged. Or how I was being set up. Or things that to them were 'normal' in terms of behaviors that I would have thought of as sick or dysfunctional. Mean, even.

So I would obsess about it. It was a lot of years, doing that. I feel bad now that my kids saw some of that. I would hope that we can all grow and change, and that they might come to understand me better as a parent or a person. I mean, sometimes they do this now. And I've outgrown it!! Pretty much. But I hate seeing them doing it, as if my mistakes as a parent are being thrown in my face sometimes. Been working with the realization for a long time now, that we can love our hatreds too much, to the point where we protect them ... because it feels good to be righteous. This dynamic becomes counterproductive to healing eventually, although I think it is part of the process for many people, of owning feelings or learning to deal with the shocks of "how some people really are inside" as I think was the case for me.

So you may start out with it as a dynamic and then after you've processed enough of it, you need to let it go.

Hey ... there it is!
That let go thing.

Zanna would be proud. Which leads me to ... I think there is a third part to these writings today. Forgiveness. I'm not totally sure I've worked this one out quite yet though. Although I am learning ... and yet. I think my ideas on this are going to cause disagreement among people. Speaking of Zanna. Maybe a different post on this one?

Or not. Just get it over with. I hate it when I am piling up more "things" to keep track of, in my mind. As if there isn't enough already to remember, or not forget. I was realizing this is another issue where I could practice some letting go on a practical level. This obsessive need to record every idea so I don't forget, and how sometimes I need to go over and over my own writing to get grounded, or remember what I've said.

Forgiveness. They say you should always do it. That not to forgive keeps us trapped.

I had a fight with my aunt many years ago over this. She had done something that really really hurt me and she told me that I should just forgive her. She insisted on it, in fact. And I didn't back down. (Hm ... maybe I'm still a little bit mad at her over it)? Anyway, I had decided that she, like so many other people who insist on being forgiven, expected me to just let her off the hook. I don't remember if she was sorry, or if she even understood or cared about how she had hurt me. I think forgiveness is a reflection of responsibility being taken by the perpetrator.

Which reminds me of something ELSE I saw recently. The idea that a mistake is when we do something wrong that we didn't intend to do and we learned something from it. Vs. the idea that a sin is doing something wrong with full knowledge and intent that it is wrong, barring mitigating circumstances. Like soldiers who have to follow orders during war.

So ... is there forgiveness for people who willingly and knowingly commit sin? Hm. I suspect that THIS is why the idea of the Prodigal Son is so valued by church doctrine. Also I suspect that drawing the line comes down to whether people are sorry or not, and whether they would commit that sin again, if given a second chance. But what about if nothing changes here. Can forgiveness be found? Perhaps. But I suspect that it comes down in this case to safe boundaries. Maybe even being grateful in the very end for what we learn from experiences with people like this, especially in terms of how to master a situation where there is no fixing things.

Maybe what works is to forgive but not to forget? Lest you be victimized again by thoughtless actions of others. Things get really confusing and chaotic from here. I mean, one of the recent issues I'm clearing up in my black and white thinking, is the mistaken belief that love cannot be present when wrong is committed. I'm finding this to not be the truth, recovering some of the darkest experiences imaginable. Is it about rescuing "sick" love, in some way ... getting it out of a place it doesn't belong ... and healing it? I am suspecting so.

Dang, I hate finishing an article with a can of worms unresolved. Or not.
Stuff to think about I guess.

LR 7/18/2018

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BEAUTIFUL image of Venus conjunct the Moon from July 16, 2018 posted on Facebook - courtesy of Colorado Photography group.

AMAZING photograph of Jupiter found anyplace on the internet, Google Images included. PS. Wasn't this photo taken during Jupiter in Scorpio? A very deep, powerful, clear and close up view - totally Scorpio consciousness governing even just the discovery of this beautiful image.

Yep, January 2018. Jupiter was in fact, in Scorpio.

In Photos: Juno's Amazing View of Jupiter
https://www.space.com/12495-jupiter-juno-mission-photos-gallery.html

Oh yeah. Here's that O. Fred Donaldson post - the entire thing. FYI:

Gray Wolf
https://steemit.com/tarot/@mymoontao/gray-wolf

What in the hell am I really talking about here? Putting all of this into context.

New Introduction
https://steemit.com/introduction/@mymoontao/new-introduction