I'm Not Who I Think I Am

in psychology •  last year

I'm talking about nights so warm that you can hang outside wearing nothing but shorts and a tank top, nights so impervious that the sun's long since set, you can sleep with the house wide open, letting a chorus of crickets fill the bedroom with summer's signature sound. If you throw in some moonlight and a soft summer breeze, we're talking bordering on magic, maybe even a little bit over the line.


The schedule when Gary went to bed at 9:00, was a walk around the hood no matter what weather. My dogs back then were hard core. It was like living with two drill sergeants.
But on steemy humid summer nights, I needed no encouragement. Wandering through quiet residential streets, the three of us would chuckle in disbelief at our neighbors, all holed up inside, their windows closed, the AC and the TV on, letting the best of summer slip on passed unnoticed.


But this year enjoying summer had been rudely shoved out of the way by the unwanted presence of my neighbor up the road hogging so much of my head-space. If taken at face value, it was utterly ridiculous. Someone I barely knew, didn't like and hadn't spoken to since April was constantly inserting himself into consciousness uninvited.

But this wasn't my first rodeo. I remember back the first time it happened, a few years after converting to Christianity. That time was the worst. Not only was I younger and dumber. It hit me like a high voltage electrical bolt. Despite the fact "the relationship" had no physical reality, it had a sexual intensity that rocked my world. I had been invaded by a mysterious powerful force, and I didn't even have the capacity to question it.


This time, I was older and wiser. My head was a different place than it was the last time he was here. The physical reaction was not so mysterious, though that's not to say it wasn't still incredibly powerful.
I started studying Jungian psychology some time before our first encounter. https://steemit.com/truth/@heretolisten/driven-by-demons
I knew that these goings-on had little to do with the physical object my mind was relentlessly focusing on. Though as yet that knowledge hadn't had much impact on the ground. I also started keeping a journal, writing down my thoughts and dreams. The two combined would prove to be a game-changer.

I remember Jung making the point that everyone thinks they are the experts of what's going on in their own heads. At the time I read it, that seemed like a reasonable assumption. Who would know better? I guess the real question psychology seeks to answer is "what is it doing there?" That was the question I was seeking to answer at any rate.
There had been a repeating pattern following my conversion to Christianity. I would go through phases of growth, satisfaction and deep contentment with my life and my husband, Gary, followed by a wistful restlessness, the feeling that life's promise of excitement was 'out there' somewhere only I was missing out.


Then almost as though summoned, Trouble would rear its ugly head and somehow end up stuck in mine.

Brian and I didn't speak again till August was well under way. It was just a brief exchange. I was walking with the dogs past his house when he pulled up beside me. There was another guy in the car who helped make the totally awkward conversation that ensued even more awkward than it would have been in any case.
Maybe you've been there. When someone you've been thinking about way too much but really barely know, is suddenly actually there. You just want to play it cool but suddenly your body decides it's a good time to make the blood pound in your head, while your legs turn to gel and breathing becomes a skill you haven't really mastered.

He told me his girlfriend had moved out, he was in the process of taking over the mortgage. Pretty impressive for a guy that young to own his own home and be driving a BMW. Turned out being a BMW mechanic had something to do with why he owned the car, but still.
He invited me to come by on Saturday if I wanted to use his above ground pool. It was supposed to be super hot that weekend. I told him that would be awesome even though it's something I would never really do in a million years.

"Escape was just a nod and a casual wave.
Obsessed about it heavy for the next two days"

"Tear You Apart" She Wants Revenge

Despite having explored a lot of different avenues, at that point in my life, I still said my daily prayers to God the Father and considered myself a Christian. As I explained in my previous post, https://steemit.com/knowledge/@heretolisten/christianity-been-there-done-that-part-ii in doing so, I was constantly reenacting the point of internal disconnect between instinct and consciousness.


So I would go on repeating the same pattern on the same level over and over again. There were times I was completely contented with my marriage and my life. I loved spending time hiking in the woods, gardening and gourmet cooking. All these activities nurtured the phase of merged oneness with my body (instinct).

The feelings of restlessness are the beginning of the mind's effort to evolve and move towards a more conscious dimension. It starts in the depth of the being, beyond conscious control. And it can bear the hallmarks of the original attempt made as a teen to establish a new conscious standpoint as an adult. Until properly navigated, it can manifest itself as a typical teenage boy with one thought on his mind.


This is the second rung of the kundalini chakra system, the sexual energy. It is very potent and powerful and, in its functional state, capable of propelling you up to the next level of consciousness.

Logically enough, one trick to gaining control over that energy is to make it conscious. I might be thinking of Brian day and night. That's not what makes it conscious. As I said, the first time I had this experience, I was swept up in it. There was no capacity for me to disconnect and ask myself what was going on, because back then I had not achieved that high a level of conscious self awareness.

This time, I was still experiencing the impact, but, not only did I recognize it as part of a larger pattern, I gradually was able to distinguish between who I was and who this energy was trying to convince me to be. Basically I had to wrestle my identity from the swirling hurricane of powerful unconscious content that insisted that I was fatally attracted to this guy and that I was the kind of woman that would bang on his door and beg him to bang me. That is so not me, but there were times it was real hard to remember that.

I was, and am, happily married and not about to mess that up. Besides, as I said day one, I was not attracted to Brian. He was not even my type. He was arrogant and full of himself and would have thought 'doing me' was doing me a favor. That is not a turn on. In fact, guys like that make me gag.

THAT is who I really am.

About the same time there was a family living across the street, a couple with two sons. The husband got caught up in an intense internet affair. Not wanting to screw around on his wife, he told her he wanted a divorce.
Three weeks later a fourteen year relationship was legally over, and he flew to Seattle to meet his new girlfriend in person for the first time. His ex-wife was devastated, and it sent the older son into the military and the younger one into a tailspin.

There is a 40% to 50% divorce rate in the US, and "It is estimated that roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage (see Buss & Shackelford for review of this research). And these numbers are probably on the conservative side, if you consider that close to half of all marriages end in divorce." https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html

Problem is, although this state is largely illusionary, and temporary, its consequences can be very real...and permanent.

"Falling in love" is something most people will experience at some point in their lives. This is admittedly an unusual take on the subject, but one that might be worth noting. So often it will show up when it's not in our best interest because that's not what the unconscious power behind it is about.
But if it's used wisely, it's always an opportunity for the expansion of consciousness. This offers an example of the struggle involved in bringing unconscious, (instinctual) energy into consciousness awareness, as well as the danger of identifying with the undigested unconscious content instead.


As for me, the change in consciousness was not enough to totally change the dynamic of my situation. The problem was that, only focusing on conscious expansion failed to recognize the significance of the role of the unconscious. We are dualistic and need to nurture the totality of our beings. The true goal of expansion should be to bring about an interconnected state between instinct and consciousness.

Try an imagine the power of reconnecting with the primal will, the sure guidance of instinctual wisdom. Combine that with the possibility of bringing the entirety of our fractured being back together as a whole instead of always experiencing the limits of our current fragmentation.

The possibility is well beyond conscious comprehension; )


So that's where I'll be going in future posts. I hope you'll continue the journey with me.
If Steemit's really all about original content, that much I can guarantee.

Thanks for reading my post:) I would love to hear your comments.

As always,

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Interesting post. I think that falling in love is sometimes mistaken for falling in lust. Soul mates is the permanent one.


Exactly, I make the same point in one of my previous posts "Falling in Love Debunked":D


I'll check out your post thanks. JV

Nice post well done


Thanks so much and thanks for taking the time to comment<3

All the religions of the world, while they may differ in other respects, unitedly proclaim that nothing lives in this world but Truth.

- Mahatma Gandhi


Wise words, Gandhi is one of my biggest heroes. Now we just gotta nail down what Truth is;)

I'm afraid I accidently posted this twice. Both times I posted, I received and error message and the post remained in the edit box. So I thought it hadn't sent it.
To further complicate matters, later I was editing before trying to resend it and decided to change the title. It wasn't till I hit post that I saw the other one in my blog. Now it looks like I'm plagiarizing myself or something...ooops:/