Thoughts about RECIPROCITY, Entitlement and "Giving to Get"

"Reciprocity."

It's one of those popular buzzwords of our times; it gets thrown around a lot by the über-spiritual crowd, typically in connection with finding meaning, enlightenment and other rather nebulous things.

I happen to believe in reciprocity-- I think it's a pretty nifty thing.

The thing that tends to get more than a few people's hackles up is the fact that I also believe "reciprocity" is a natural thing. It just happens... or not. You can't "manufacture" it, "provoke" it or "demand" it. 

A lot of folks take issue with that and set off on a long song and dance routine about what we have the "right to expect" in life. Then they start quoting "The Law of Attraction" and the Teachings of Abraham at me.... and we're off to the races.

I'm Calling Bullshit on That!

I'm sorry folks, we don't have the "right" to expect diddly-squat from anyone or anywhere.

There's no Cosmic Fed-Ex Truck that's suddenly going to dump your perfect existence in the driveway, simply because you had a thought to that effect. Or because some $299.00 CD set you got from Oprah's Book Club insinuated that you might. 

In fact, that just sounds like so much "entitlement" to me, and goodness knows we live in a world permeated by an ever denser sense of entitlement. I look around me, and I see all these people who believe they are entitled to something (usually involving "special" treatment and rewards) simply for showing up and breathing the air. 

People stand there "expecting," and all I want to do is ask is "pardon me, but what exactly are you GIVING to the world?" Usually, just a lot of hot air and fluffery, along with grand tales of greatness it's typically impossible to verify.

Here's a radical thought for you: Why don't you try providing something worthwhile to the world? Something that's actually of value?

That's when the idea of reciprocity might actually kick in. Particularly if you just go about being worthwhile without any expectations that people or "The Universe" should reward you for doing so.

As of late, I have started writing more about the Human Condition and life and psychology again... including pieces on "Virtue Signaling" and living "by deeds, rather than words." I believe there are some important dialogues to be had, if we're ever to move towards a better world.

It's not Just About Money

People often mistake the idea of reciprocity with getting paid for something.

Without doubt, providing a product or service and getting paid for it is a form of reciprocity. But reciprocity is often non-monetary. 

Reciprocity is the artist whose work we have at our gallery, whose name we submitted to a "recycled art" exhibition (which was of zero benefit to us)... and the artist, in turn, sent us a box of home made cookies. We didn't have to submit their name; we expected to derive no benefit, and the artist in no way was under obligation or expectation to bake us cookies.

In its purest form, an excellent example of reciprocity.

Reciprocity tends to kick in when you simply do things because they are-- in your heart and soul-- representation of "right action."

Meanwhile, There's the Enneagram (Non-Sequitur)

Many years ago, I studied the Enneagram, sometimes known as "The Enneagram of Personality." It's basically a personality profiling system, except more complex than that. But that's not what this post is about.

However, I was recently reminded of an old description of "the unhealthy enneagram type two" description... and how well it fits a large segment of society: People who engage in a toxic and often self-destructive form of "giving to get" that's ultimately little more than selflessness thinly disguised as entitlement: 

"Because I so selflessly ("Look everyone, how selfless I am!!") gave of myself, I am expecting great things from the Universe!"

GAAACK!

Let's get back to providing something of value, for a moment. Did you actually provide something the recipient truly wanted... or did you provide something that would either (a) make YOU look good or (b) would provide you with the greatest "reciprocal" reward?

That's not really what reciprocity is about, is it?

The Deeper Power Behind Giving Freely

It might sound almost counterintuitive, but there's actually something very freeing about giving something to the world (or a person) with absolutely no expectations that you're going to get anything back.

We let go of something-- a worry, a burden that "something" now has to happen.

Like sowing seeds in the garden, we might be hopeful that something will sprout and turn into beautiful flowers, but since nature is fickle, we can't expect or demand those things.

I originally learned of this "freeing" the hard way-- from lending money to friends. I always felt that "of course they would pay back." Of course, many never did. And it led to disappointment and hurt feelings. Once I learned to not make loans to friends... but instead learned to think of "can you lend me $50?" as a GIFT, the whole dynamic changed.

And wouldn't you know it? The true law of reciprocity often happened, all by itself.

One last thing to keep in mind, and then I'll get off your screen: Don't make the mistake of giving people things that aren't yours to give. What I mean here, is that if you lend someone $100 you really needed to pay your own electric bill... you're just being plain dumb. 

There's nothing "noble" about that, it's just stupid. It's not "selfless," it's stupid. 

It's stupid because if you needed that $100 and gave it away, you've now made yourself "psychically dependent" on getting that reciprocal payment from the Universe, so your electricity doesn't get shut off. And that leads to tension, stress, regret and even bitterness.

So just don't do it, m'kay?

How about YOU? What's your understanding of reciprocity? Do you feel it is more a "natural" thing, or is it more like a contract: if you give, you should get? Do you think people often feel "entitled" to rewards when really they have no basis to feel that way? Or is "reciprocity" just a New Age hoo-hoo concept? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!

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Created at 180125 00:23 PST