Is Self-Help and the Quest for Self-Actualization Ultimately Another Addictive Trap?
I've spent a major chunk of my adult life at least peripherally involved in the self-help, personal development, "consciousness" and enlightenment fields.
Purely based on the fact that this is a multi-billion dollar industry with thousands of workshops, practictioners and ostensible "gurus," it pretty safe to say that there are a lot of people out there seeking answers to life's question, and in generally hoping to make their lives better.
The Initial Allure
My own journey as a "seeker" began in my 20's, when it first struck me that many people just seemed to be "going through the motions" of living, supposedly pursuing their version of "success" while not seeming to be very happy — even when they were living a life of plenty.
Damselfly
There had to be something better!
Of course, it turned out that there was something "better," as I started consuming larger numbers of self-improvement and spiritual development books, and eventually attending workshops and retreats.
The workshops and retreats were especially appealing because I discovered that there really were other people in the world who seemed to care about not only bettering themselves, but also the greater world!
In a sense, it was a great relief.
And I felt accomplished, even if not particularly enlightened. I came away with a really positive feeling... and I wanted to KEEP it!
And Therein Lies the "Hook"
Of course, there's nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself, learn meditation and become more mindful. However — if you're not careful — you soon get stuck in a pattern of eternal seeking, always looking for that next ideology that's just a little bit better.
Peaceful pond
Workshops and retreats are even more alluring.
You go and spend several days in close proximity with people who want a very similar "better world" to what you envision, and in this temporary world — guided by a good workshop facilitator — life really IS better. And there are no screaming bosses, and no collections calls on the phone, and no demanding family members.
In fact, when you leave the retreat, you tend to suffer from what I came to call "retreat brain," in which you suddenly are looking at the world through rose-colored glasses... glasses, I might add, through which you find it increasingly difficult to understand why everyone else doesn't want to just slow down and sit and meditate.
Of course, soon enough "reality" sets in and your sister is still a manipulator, and your boss a bully. And it seems like your newly learned "skills" don't really work on them.
So you can't wait to book your next workshop... so you can better learn how to take those amazing feelings you have at the retreats "out there" in the harsh world.
Then People Get Stuck!
There was a time when I actually would travel to ten or twelve retreats a year — as well a join local groups — until I started paying attention not only to what I was doing... but to the other people at the retreats.
Flathead Lake sunset
I started noticing that I would meet the same people, over and over. And what they were doing was more like touring with a little "club" than actually learning effective life skills.
I also noticed how the invariable — and typically unanswered — question centered on "How do we take this out in the world where it feels like nobody cares?"
It struck me that we were all "in school" and pretty much taking the same class over and over, as a way to avoid actually dealing with life. By staying in an eternal state of "seeking" and "learning," we were actually avoiding the daily practicality of living life.
Meanwhile, these things tend to be pretty expensive!
Now, I'm by no means suggesting that going to workshops and retreats is a bad idea... but don't lose sight of why you are putting time, effort and money into these things. You're (presumably!) there to learn life skills, not to become an "eternal student."
As long as you keep that in mind... all should be well.
How about YOU? Are you into self-development and seeking enlightenment? Have you gone to seminars, workshops and retreats? How did that work out for you? Did you just go once, or were you ever a "seeker?" Have you been — or have you known anyone who was — "addicted" to this type of learning? How did it interfere with your life? How did you break out of the pattern? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!
created by @zord189
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Created at 180601 16:40 PDT
"Organized religions by their very natures are misleading. The bottom line is always money. What that’s got to do with your spiritual well-being still eludes me. It’s always the bucks, no matter how they disguise it. If you need that sort of assistance to keep yourself together, you may be paying a higher rate to a fake religion than you would to a psychotherapist. Which is not to say that a psychotherapist is going to give you any better value per dollar either. lf you’re going to deal with reality, you’re going to have to make one big discovery: Reality is something that belongs to you as an individual. If you wanna grow up, which most people don’t, the thing to do is take responsibility for your own reality and deal with it on your own terms. Don’t expect that because you pay some money to somebody else or take a pledge or join a club or run down the street or wear a special bunch of clothes or play a certain sport or even drink Perrier water, it’s going to take care of everything for you. Because it all comes from inside. As a matter of fact, that’s where it stays." - Frank Zappa
Frank was a pretty amazing guy.
Essentially, it's a variation of the age old debate I often end up in with "religious" people: The difference between "having faith" (in whatever floats your boat) and "being religious."
Faith is your own inner compass; something you have in something greater than yourself, or even yourself. Faith can be divine. Religion? A structure created by humans. As that old saying goes "Sitting in church every Sunday doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
Me too @denmarkguy and an awful lot of money until one day I realised that all this seeking was making me more unhappy rather than happier.
I was constantly seeking something better and not noticing what I already had. I was was living in a state of going to be happy when . . .
But the worst thing for me, which I now feel contributed to years of depressions, was I was always coming from a place of needing to fix myself.
I was stuck in a place of trying to fix, what I now feel, was never broken.
The day I gave up "personal development" was the most liberating day of my life although I didn't know that at the time and it wasn't a specific day.
A lot of the "Seekers" I encountered along the way had suffered all manners of difficulties in their lives and were ultimately out there looking for some indication that there was an easier way to handle life. That somehow, their lives had been so hard because they were doing it wrong and if they could just find the right "method," somehow life would get easier.
Of course, it doesn't. Life is simply hard... it's what you choose to do about that hardness and how you choose to view and approach it that's changeable.
Which is not to say that different people don't have different "hardship thresholds," what drives one over the edge is easy-peasy to another.
I was never that much into "fixing myself" as into finding tools I thought might help me fix what I perceived to be a profoundly "broken" world. That was, of course, doomed as well...
Interesting @denmarkguy. I've never been one to save the world so much as saving ourselves. Start at home and the world will get taken care of kind of thing. 😁
I've seen this with people who join AA, find a new partner, get on some anti depressants and the whole world to them starts smelling like a bed of roses...it all works so well for them as long as they contained themselves into the AA mantra. I also think you could apply this same analogy to people who become religious, self containment into a particular group or setting sharing the same belief patterns, reinforcing each others happiness.
In a sense, a transference of accountability for the outcome of life from yourself to some "external" source.
"I am happy because something outside of me came along and made it so."
In some ways, focusing externally also allows us to forget about our own internal struggles. Of course, they are still there.
"Wherever you go, there you are." You can't run away from yourself...
True.
To the question in your title, my Magic 8-Ball says:
Hi! I'm a bot, and this answer was posted automatically. Check this post out for more information.
I was into a lot of internal focusing on self improvement, meditating, etc. I did find some answers but still felt unsatisfied to an extent. I then realized that too much self focus and philosophizing was actually making me live less experiences. I still do a meditation and try and live in the present but I made an effort to introduce other things as well. I took on some different volunteer work I like to do, my husband and I invite one couple per month from varied backgrounds (that isn't family) for a nice dinner in our home and I work part time in a field I enjoy. Simply inviting different people into our home has made us learn interesting perspectives and in turn, get invites as well. Because I now have less time to meditate, I value it more.
I attended one retreat, many cources and seminars and I red a good number of books. I can claim that I am a seeker which for me is not about acquiring new life skills to deal with a boss or a family member. They are completely different approaches. Enlightnment will not help someone practically solve daily life problems or to correct what he percieved to be wrong in others rather it is more directed to his realationship with himself. The goal of enlightenment is not mundane one rather mystical. It might help solve some daily life problems but only as a byproduct of being to some extent more enlightened. And as someone learns how to look within and develop new perspective about many aspects of life he is more likely better cope with daily life challenges.
Years ago I used to read 'self-help' books, and attended more than a few 'seeking retreats'. Basically, I agree that it can lead to a state of always searching but never doing. My conclusion was - exercise as much as you can, eat healthy food, cultivate good friends, and get on with life. I don't read such books or go to retreats anymore.
My awakening to this syndrome came from AA meetings. At first it was essential? for me to be completely immersed. I needed to break from a way of living that was harmful to me and others. After a while, I realized, as you did, without incorporating the principles being shared into everyday life, I was only trading one addiction for another. Learning is beneficial when it is used, and that means, just as you said, living.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It's a good refresher for me!
This is so interesting. My first husband was an atheist. I am not. For years our conversations about religion and spirituality centred around the "not". What he or I did not believe. One day I challenged him and said that he'd never bothered to ask what I did believe. Why? I never got a satisfactory answer.
After I left the marriage, I devoured books about spirituality on one hand, and on the other, spent a lot of time "ex-husband- and men-bashing" until I realised that it was futile. It wasn't going to change anything and unless I learned from my experience(s), nothing would change. Especially me. When I let go of that, partly with the help of the reading, things shifted. Hugely.
Also, what you say about repeat retreaters or seekers is analagous to what happens in a training environment and when management says its ineffective. It all works in the safety of the training room and where simulations work. In reality, and without the support, it often falls apart. And management won't spend the money (and time) on training that does enable sustained learning. So the wheel turns.