RE: Spanking Children is an Unconscious Act of Vengeance
I sometimes think these people who write this stuff are either not parents or happen to have very calm children. My wife would of made these same comments if we only had my first daughter to use as a basis of comparison. She was the best mother in the world she thought, look at how good our little girl is, THEN my son was born.
My son had an extremely hard time understanding and communicating until he was almost four years old. He doesn't have any mental disorders or anything, he was just a little behind and very stubborn. No amount of verbal communication would EVER change his behavior for a few years. He would attack the animals in the house like it was a game, putting them at risk and no amount of non physical discipline would ever change that behavior. He just didn't have the mental maturity to understand the discipline. To him animals were toys that could be played with in any way he deemed entertaining, including throwing them down the stairs if we didn't stop him.
My wife was in tears day after day, chasing him down, watching his every move as our mischievous little man did one bad thing after another, seemingly immune to discipline of all kinds. Stern talk, time outs, behavioral tricks and all kinds of techniques were tried and tested with absolutely no change in behavior. The only thing that he responded to in the end, was physical stimuli, since it was the only thing he understood right away and worked.
Our little man is just about to enter kindergarten and now that he can fluently communicate with us, there's no longer any need for it. His bad behavior has pretty well all stopped and he's the most loving little guy in the world now.
It's so easy to be an arm chair critic these days, when you don't have to walk the walk day in and out for years.
Anyone who has had to deal with a similar situation reading this will understand the situation. Some hypothesis sound really good on paper, until you go and apply them. We never had to use physical discipline of any sort with my daughter, and I think that's where some of these articles come from. People who have never actually raised children, or parents who never had to deal with a child that was "difficult".
It's not exactly armchair given the growing body of research out there on this issue. My son is also challenging (I have two as well daughters). Children don't have the capacity for empathy or the mirror neurons that adults do. It's a huge challenge dealing with this reality, especially when it seems like no other option works. I think there are things that work, but unfortunately most parents (my self included) are not equipped with the tools or training needed to not resort to inflicting physical pain ("stimuli" sure sounds nicer though). It's also a very difficult topic to discuss because we are so deeply invested in our children. Our love and fear roll together to make it hard to think in terms of data and rationality. Here's hoping we can all grow towards a more peaceful future by raising children who don't respond to coercive authority, but to love and reason.
I'd be a little menace if not for being disciplined by my parents. The key is talking first and making sure a child knows why they're being spanked. There's also a very fine line between punishment and abuse. Children know that line and if you cross it there's no coming back. It's solely up to a parent to decide how and when they should punish their children. Not being able to spank your kids has created a generation of entitlement. The things you see kids doing these days is just outright disgusting. When I see that kind of behavior I always think to myself, "if I was doing that shit I would've gotten a backhand, damn." It's very hard to teach a child respect if they think you're weak.
In the video the lecturer is talking about allowing the children to express their feelings. Don't tell them not to cry. Let them talk with you.
The article seems to say we should never physically punish for any reason whatsoever.
Hey Leprechaun. Nice to meet you. That is me in the video (also the author of this article). You are correct. Children should be allowed to express their emotions, as well as explore their emotional lives without being ridiculed. And although it was not my main point of this video, I also strongly urge against hitting children, because this also causes long term damage.
Yes, I believe a slap on time saves years of therapy sometimes
Also sometimes children test boundaries or want to see if the parent really cares. At least I did when I was a child