What an irony! People change all time; yet, you can’t ask them to change.

Despite our belief “change starts from within” we keep trying (sometimes, forcing or blackmailing) others to change, especially those we believe we love; family members, spouses and kids.

While you fail to change someone you love, you feel shocked when another one transforms to someone you are not familiar with, and get surprised at a third who have changed because of you without you ever tried.

I have met many individuals who believe they can change someone, and they proved a complete failure. Especially, when someone believes he can change his spouse-to-be after marriage. I have met others who at certain points in their lives changed radically for no clear reason; they might not even be aware of their own change. While, everyday I meet people who fail to change something they dislike about themselves.

People actually change all time; their values, interests, habits, attitudes, priorities and whom they love. Yet you can’t drive someone to change. Let’s be clear, what is more convincing that you can’t change someone than your own struggle when it comes to changing yourself. How many times you failed before you managed to change your own attitude, to get rid of a habit, or to become physically fit.

Each one’s personality is a product of multitude of factors, let’s say; genetics, upbringing, culture, environment, and experiences. All entangled together to shape they way he feels, thinks and behaves. Long exposure to certain circumstances greatly affects his personality. His attitude toward something reflects the way this thing have affected his life especially in early age. And sometimes the stories he learnt about something shapes his attitude toward it.

Every trait that had been acquired over time under certain circumstances can’t be simply changed upon someone’s request. It requires change in the aspects that led to its existence in the first place. And that is the very reason why people change all the time but we still can’t ask them to change.

It is not a matter of decision for an introvert to become extrovert. People who suffer from certain phobias can’t simply switch it off. People who feel financially insecure (this feeling has nothing to do with how wealthy they are) to the extend they accumulate money, can’t simply start spending it off.

Making someone feels guilty or ashamed is completely irrelevant and usually bring about unwanted results, even if for a while it seems effective, the change built upon them is short termed and people bounce back to their original states. And the more we focus on a negative aspect of someone the more we empower it.

On the other side, people change over time by exposure to new experiences, by major shifts in their lives, or by overwhelming accidents or traumas. Not only on individual levels, but public habits, attitudes, mindsets change with new experiences, rules or major accidents. This change can’t be accurately measured or controlled ahead of time.
In order to change someone you need to understand the root cause for what you don’t like about him. Look into his needs, insecurities, and convictions and provide what ever might be missing. Focus on what is good until what is bad subsides. Offer him unconditional love, compassion and appreciation.

It seems a lot of work and it actually is, that is why you need to love them deeply in order to have the motivation to change them otherwise you need to let him go.

The final thing to consider is about you; why do you want the other party to change? Why you resist some traits of their personality? What this kind of resistance tells about you? Why you can’t be patient and loving or why you started the relation in the first place.

Thanks,

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