WHEN APOLIGIES BECOME MANIPULATIVE
Humans are social creatures by nature, we naturally seek companionship with others. Aristotle once said; "Humans are by nature a social animal".
As the social animals we are, we want to be perceived in a positive light among others.
It's no surprise that one of the social tools we have developed is Apology. That's why whenever we hurt someone, its only natural to say; "I am sorry".
"I am sorry," is the word we have all heard and said. It might be so easy for some to say, for example; a person could be timid and not able to stand his/her ground even when the person is right. It could also be difficult for some to say, especially If the person is argumentative.
Those are two opposite and extreme situations, but in this article, I'm only going to focus on when an apology can be used to manipulate or deceive.
Permit me to boldly say that most people love apologies. I don't know if its the feeling of being right or the fact that someone is vulnerable to our judgment.
Most of all, we love public apologies. we have all heard the term "sex sells", well I am here to tell you that "public-apology sells" also. for example, the public apology from celebrities tends to spark a large public interest. I also cannot count the times I've heard the words "I demand a public apology now!"
VICTIMS OF FAKE APOLOGY
I talked earlier about two opposite kinds of persons. The argumentative and the timid. Ironically these kinds of persons can easily be fooled by a fake apology.The argumentative person with a large EGO who wants to be always right can easily fall for a fake apology. "I'm sorry" can simply be a way to shut you up.
The timid person generally doesn't like drama and try to accept any kind of apology. The timid person might actually spot a fake apology but wouldn't want to confront the person and just move on.
But really, anyone can be fooled by a fake apology, it just depends on the circumstance.
SPOTTING A FAKE APOLOGY
Well here comes the tricky part because there are two kinds of fake apology. The non-apology and the deceptive apology.The non-apology always have a "but" or "if" at the end, "I am sorry but..." "I'm sorry if you feel that way", etc. The non-apology also tries to diminish the severity of the issue, a non-apology never takes direct responsibility for the problem at hand.
The deceptive apology is mostly offered by the narcissist and it's very tricky to spot because it sounds so genuine, but I believe the easiest way to spot a deceptive apology is if the apology is not followed by action.
If the person apologizing doesn't offer some type of way to pay for the damage/hurt or the person keeps repeating the same mistakes without repentance.
A deceptive apology also finds a way to turn the spotlight on you. cue the words; "will you forgive me now?" "what more do you want from me?" now you are the bad guy holding a grudge.
I believe a true apology should offer ways of solving the issue after taking full responsibility for it without blaming someone or something else.
A true apology should also involve the knowledge of knowing what's done cannot be undone.
A true apology shouldn't be after a repeated offense.
Thanks for reading, catch you next time .
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A deep and genuine apology right from the heart that leads to that mistake never happening again is definitely something all of us who have been wronged by someone want. However, apologies these days have become over-rated and often mean nothing. Someone wrongs you would most likely apologize to you later on, but would again resort to the same undesirable measure. I felt every word of what you wrote and loved this piece.
Thank you for reading @sharoonyasir. I appreciate your feedback
Interesting and thought provoking read. I honestly can’t remember the last time I required a public apology (I am sure it has happened though), however I definitely appreciate what you described as the allure of someone being “vulnerable to your judgement”. I suppose anyone who has been in any kind of relationship has experienced the non-apology, and it is something we hear from our politicians from time to time: “I am sorry that some people were offended by my comment but….”
The idea of the “fake apology” reminds me of something that I read in a book called 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan - a book I suggest to many of my clients whose children are exhibiting behavioral problems in the home. My favorite part of the book is where he describes the 6 forms of common testing and manipulation behaviors children use on adults, which include: 1. Badgering, 2. Temper Tantrums, 3. Threats, 4. Martyrdom, 5. Butterup, and 6. Physical Aggression.
Apparently children naturally are very good at identifying which tactic works best on which parent. Case-in-point, my 14 year-old nephew will do something he was not supposed to do, apologize profusely to my sister (butterup), then do it again when she is not looking. He uses badgering on his father though, who will not buy into the butterup tactic. Although this is normal for children and adolescents, once one gets into adulthood there seems to be a spectrum of severity of manipulation tactics - the most toxic appearing to be what is described as the making up stage in the cycle of domestic violence where they will apologize, promise it will never happen again, then blame the victim.
Thanks for reading @zheimberg, I appreciate the feedback . you are right, it does occur in children but gets more severe if not corrected. and yes the most extreme form of manipulation does occur in domestic violence cases.
We are overly complicated creatures aren't we? Well written, @abmakko!
Indeed @cryptonik. That is very true. Thanks for reading
Interesting take on it. You're very perceptive. I hate the apologies that are "I'm sorry you're upset that I did xyz" or "I'm sorry that xyz is bothering you." Which really isn't an apology at all! Thought provoking post!
Thanks for reading @byn, I appreciate the feedback.
Great post! Lots of good thought provoking information!
thank you for reading @rwedegis
100% upvote. You raise many good points here. I learned years ago about the fake apology. "Well I'm sorry BUT...."
Get your BUTT out of the apology & put your heart there instead.
Yes people love apologies especially public ones. Sometimes an apology from someone close to you is very important for healing, as long as it's not a fake one of course
lol nice pun @chelsea88. you are right. thanks for reading 😊
Of course. Happy (Almost) new year
Happy new year friend. welcome to 2018
This post has received a 0.22 % upvote from @drotto thanks to: @banjo.
voted and follow please vote back and reply i vote all your post
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