Psychology Addict # 39 | Need For Approval & External Validation

in psychology •  10 months ago  (edited)

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Last week I shared here on Steemit a post discussing certain emotions and behaviours that platforms such as Facebook elicits in some of us. I presented behavioural (positive reinforcement) and neuropsychological (the dopaminergic pathway) reasons to explain as to why we often feel uncontrollably drawn to our social networks; with many of us even describing that urge as an addiction. In a comment to that post @moshroom presented yet another explanation, through theorizing a link between our ‘need for external validation’ and social media addiction. He wonders whether our constant seeking for approval plays a part in it, and politely asked me to write a post with my views with respect to this.

An Innate Need for Belonging

@moshroom’s words immediately brought to mind the works of Abraham Maslow, a humanistic psychologist who not only placed belongingness in the human’s hierarchy of needs 1, but also posited that it is a necessity we are born with. Seeking for approval is to seek for acceptance, it is to seek for a sense of belonging; aspects that are fundamental for our emotional development and psychological well-being. Through a sense of feeling approved by others we enjoy higher levels of self-assurance as well as of self-esteem; emotions that help us thrive, as they keep us motivated, moving forward, and as William James would say, surviving. He, who in the 1890’s, recognized self-esteem as essential a human need for survival as fear 2. So, following both W. James’s and A. Maslow’s ideas, it would make sense to say that seeking for approval is something that we do instinctually.

Who We Are vs. Who We Should Be

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However, things are not as straight-forward as: seeking-approval = finding approval. Very early on in our development, both our experiences and the expectations imposed by family and society impact who we are; in ways that - simplifying what Carl Rogers explains - moulds who we are to who we should be 3. From a Freudian’s point of view, this could be explained by how, mainly during childhood years, our instinct/nature (the id) is controlled through the development of our subjective individuality (the ego) and culture/society (the superego).

Nevertheless, the need for belonging doesn’t come to a halt when we get older; and, if in order to feel approved and validated, one needs to change a thing here and there; well, that is exactly what some people will do, some to a greater extent than others. This isn’t a transition in which we participate passively, though, especially when we are adults; this is a process in which we are instrumental.

With regard to social media, personally, I see this mechanism as an explanation to why so many individuals lose their authenticity, their true-selves; as a dear follower of mine pointed out “ ... they will do anything to be more attractive, cool and badass” 4. And here I go again: all in order to meet an instinctual drive for being approved by others, and consequently meet a deep-rooted need of belonging.

But, how far are we willing to go in order to be accepted and to belong?

Narcissism

There is a story I read on the news 5 that I will never forget. It is related to social media. It took place back in 2016 and involved Melina Roberge, a 24 year-old Canadian woman; who was, as stated by herself:

governed by a superficial desire to take pictures of myself in exotic locations to post on Instagram and receive likes and attention.

A desire that drove her into smuggling cocaine on a luxurious cruise liner, where she took photos and selfies, in an endeavour that ultimately sent her to jail.

If you remember, @moshroom also brought up external-validation in his comment, this term describes the process through which one seeks the approval of others as a means to make them feel worthy. People who are insecure and have fragile egos are particularly susceptible to seek external opinions in order to feel better about themselves.

Narcissists fall under this category. In his superb post Inside the Manipulator’s Mind: The Dark Triad of Personality, @dysfunctional explained that at subclinical levels, people who sport such trait behave in a grandiose, superior and entitled manner 6. To say that Melina is a narcissist is to jump to conclusions; however, her need for attention and likes from social networkers, makes me wonder about her self-esteem.

And this is something I always encourage people to ponder whenever they feel compelled to judge others in similar situations.

Confidence

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Confidence/self-esteem is not to be confused with narcissism! There are some people out there who are incredibly confident. They, sometimes, are unfairly labelled as narcissists. But here is the thing, there is a remarkable difference between those two kinds of characters. And while the latter are people who you should probably avoid (I know it would be beautiful if I said here ‘help’; but, over the course of my life I learnt that you can only help someone who wants to be helped), the former are the kind who you can count on for guidance. You might be asking yourself right now: how can I tell one from the other? Well, it is not that difficult at all.

Do you remember what @dysfunctional said about narcissists? Narcissists choose dominance. People who have healthy self-esteem, on the other hand, favour equality. In the same way that while narcissists adopt arrogance, criticism and denigration. Confident individuals go for humility, constructive feedback and respect individuals for who they are.

All this can be explained by the very fact that people presenting healthy self-esteem have built their confidence upon real achievements, deep moral values as well as care and respect for others. This is not the same when it comes to narcissists, as their actions are generally fuelled by insecurity, inadequacy and fear of failure. So, you can see how social media can be a remedy used to alleviate such feelings. It provides people with the opportunity to quickly build a sense of belonging and obtain validation simply upon a ‘thumbs up’. Easy, peasy!

But, please note, that is shaky ground.

Incongruence

Carl Rogers’ person-centred approach presents the idea of a flexible self. However, it further discusses the notion that individuals can only distance themselves from their true-selves up to a point. At the moment that point is reached the individual enters a stage of incongruence, which is a Rogerian concept that explains the cause of human emotional conflict and distress 7. It is basically that grey area of our psyche where everything is unrecognizable, including ourselves.

Only yesterday my husband bought a book by Will Storr that illustrates an instance of incongruence right in its opening pages. The book starts narrating the case of Debbie, and this is what the author says about her:

As a child, Debbie always tried to be the person her mother wanted her to be. As an adult, she struggled to be the person she imagined her husband desired.

(Storr, p.4)

The lines that followed talked about Debbie’s young adult years, a period during which she had a major nervous breakdown and was hospitalised, as a consequence of her severely low self-esteem and huge self-loathing. Her true-self had been completely lost along the years, and so was her sense of belonging.

Building a Strong Foundation

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It is the flexibility of the self that allows us to explore new territories, rediscover, and recreate who we are from time to time. This is also a very important process in life, as it leads to maturity, change of horizons and psychological growth. For that to happen, however, we need to know who we really are. Why? So then, we won’t end up betraying our core values, and forgetting what truly drives our motivations. That way, we are then able to negotiate and find a balance between the requirements of our inner-selves, and those of our culture and society. Something which, in turn, makes us good candidates for genuine acceptance, love and belonging; needs that when met lead us to a life of healthy self-esteem and self-assurance. A state that makes us able not only to receive love and appreciation; but, to return them back to individuals and communities.

Our need for approval and validation stems from our innate necessity to feel included. And, yes, I believe that is without a doubt one of the factors that push us towards social media. Particularly when it furthers our sense of belonging, or of being part of something that adds meaning to our lives. While I don’t see anything intrinsically wrong with this, it is important that we seek the kind of environment and people that respect us for what we genuinely have to offer, for our real accomplishments, and will to improve. An attitude that we also ought to have towards others. Just like we are meant to do in our non-virtual lives.


Reference List:

1 - Maslow, A. (1968). Toward a psychology of being. New York: Van Nostrand.
2 - James, William. [1890] 1983. The principles of psychology. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
3,7-Rogers, C. R., & Stevens, B. (1967). Person to person: the problem of being human: a new trend in psychology. Walnut Creek, Calif., Real People Press.
4 - Social Media – What is your cue to stop?.
5 - Melina Roberge.
6 - Inside the Manipulator’s Mind: The Dark Triad of Personality
8 - Storr, W. (2018). Selfie : How the West Became self-obsessed. New York: Overlook Press.

Image source: 1,2,3,4


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So, Dear Reader how is your self-esteem as of late?

Thank you for once again taking the time to read my work.
I wish you all a great weekend filled with sunshine.
Best :)

“Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance.”
— Brené Brown

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Thank you. I liked this topic a lot and want to share a longer comment this time.

The fascination with human pathology is a phenomenon, isn't it? It can be discussed particularly well in virtual space. Actually, only the other narcissists or even pronounced narcissists are always predisposed, but not oneself :-))

Particularly good examples can be found in the widespread media, which are concerned with politics and business. I also believe, however, that this is systemically conditioned and that people make other people narcissists once they have focused on this subject. A little I follow Eckhard Tolle, who says that we humans like feeding our painful bodies very much and eagerly. The keywording does its part.

My approach is that there is no such thing as a pure narcissist and a person unites many qualities, which always come to light when they are confirmed, strengthened and also put under suspicion by others (exceptions confirm the rule). The mutually feeding actors in a system do a lot to make someone into this or that character. It is a creation of several or many. For example, if you see the leader of a country as a narcissist. I think that the projection of many reinforce this special quality and also help it to size. If I perceive mostly the evil predominantly in a person, then I am quasi an accomplice of his negative views and actions.

I once read a very interesting fictional story about an apocalyptic existence in which a girl escaped from a dome city and got to know a companion on the way. She felt protected and accompanied by this companion. But finally she found out that her friend was the most feared creature on earth. She just didn't know it and treated the beast nicely. If she had known beforehand what a terrible creature it was, she would probably have run away in fear. It would never have been proven that the beast was also friendly. It is a strong symbolism here that has to do with fear. ... Who senses that other people fear him may acquire the strange conviction that people are to be distrusted.

... I think it is not only someone who tends to have narcissistic features if this increases, because I think that this tendency could be weakened if the environment is free of fear and prejudice.

My suggestion would therefore be to see if and to what extent one finds a narcissistic tendency in oneself.

For myself, I've found that when I'm under a lot of tension or quarrelling with someone close to me, I tend to make them the object of my mental analysis. This is quite common nowadays, as we live in a psychologized society.

My self-esteem decreases with the increasing devaluation of someone else, I see a direct connection there.

I then find that the more I attribute positive qualities to other people and encourage what they bring with them in terms of resources and solution intelligence, that then my own self-esteem also increases, because I was able to contribute to connote something positively and to frame it.

The thing is that you can't fake something like that and you need real kindness towards someone to not take what you dislike so important and to see in which hidden corner you can find self-worth. Most, if not all, people have these corners.

It is the flexibility of the self that allows us to explore new territories, rediscover, and recreate who we are from time to time.

Yes, very much so. I would even say that counts for each and every encounter during the day.

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That is a wonderful story that you shared Erika. And your views of the construct we are discussing here is a truly humanistic one. After all, we are also a product of our immediate and overall environment. We have core traits that are deeply embedded in us, but they sure either enhanced or dimmed by the interaction with other social beings.

Thank you for this incredible feedback!
Lots of love to you always :*

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Thank you, Abi.
Have a relaxed weekend and enjoy the readers digestions:)

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😘

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I'm really curious about this one:

My self-esteem decreases with the increasing devaluation of someone else, I see a direct connection there.

Why do you feel that way? Usually people use the devaluation of others to improve their own self-esteem.

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Thanks for the question.

Because it shows me that if devaluating another person is my strategy in feeling better than I may be a winner of a debate but a loser of a relation (and my "face").

Devaluation actually is hurting my self esteem. I made that experience with people after fighting with them. When I said something mean I afterwards felt utterly bad. The satisfaction for having expressed something devaluating lasted exactly thirty or so seconds while adrenaline was still in my blood. Cooling down, I realized that the only one who I was fighting with I was myself. Even thinking bad of someone takes me down and leaves me dissatisfied - how about you?

I made the experience that finding consensus and respect makes my relationships richer. In the long run I don't have to spend so much energy in my self-esteem, it will come more naturally when I treat others good. Within this I still can remain critical and active.

... Not easy to practice, though. I am still falling into old patterns and habits.

To lose someone into one becoming an enemy which also I would have had a chance to befriend myself with is a loss which is not necessary. We are all also contributing to the big picture, don't we?

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Thanks a lot for the extensive reply :)

When I said something mean I afterwards felt utterly bad.

Is this associated with everybody or just the people you feel a connection to? For me, it's somehow hard to imagine feeling bad about treating people badly for which I don't care in the slightest.

Even thinking bad of someone takes me down and leaves me dissatisfied - how about you?

For me it's pretty simple: if people behave in a way which justifies a harsh reply - I will usually go for it. I don't feel bad about it at all. Why would I? That person did something, so he has to live with the resulting consequences.

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Is this associated with everybody or just the people you feel a connection to?

I try to stretch that to everyone as I believe connection goes far beyond people I meet in person.

Like this:

A farmer whose corn always took the first prize at the state fair had a habit of sharing his best corn seed with all the farmers in the neighborhood.
When asked why, he said, "It is really a matter of self-interest. The wind picks up the pollen and carries it from field to field. So if my neighbors grow inferior corn, the cross-pollination brings down the quality of my own corn. That is why I am concerned that they plant only the very best."
source: http://info.stiltij.nl/publiek/meditatie/studie/zenstories.pdf

See it as a self interest of mine to not wanting to let my anger or judging win over another human. As thoughts are not very much different from seeds I'd give the seed to whoever I disagree with, even then. At least, that is a practice I want to make into a habit and get better.

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The fascination with human pathology is a phenomenon [...] It can be discussed particularly well in virtual space.

A virtual space rife with narcissists and trolls :P

Wow it's another Friday Abigail, another after a seven minute read I'm rearing to dive in.
You see the truth is sometimes we desire to go for what people think about us.

We live in a Society where body shaming is rampant, people feel insecure to be thick and juicy in their body structure, simply because they will be labelled fat and not sexy enough that's why they rather go nude on places like instagram so as to get the approval of people who 80% of time tell them lies.
The feeling of belonging tears in mankind however the truth is being confident in one's capabilities suppresses this feeling which is of course natural.

Nevertheless confidence is never narcissism like you pointed out in fact the former is required in ever human being despite their backgrounds or lacking as this will inspire self believe
In a nutshell social media isn't bad at all, it's what we make of it that it turns out to be, the society we live in, must not have a say in our existences, this is a start in diminishing the urge to listen to people's opinion to ascertain who we are.

Thank you so much @abigail-dantes it's always a fabulous Friday reading all your amazing posts you should start a weekly magazine, you're too amazing
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My Dear @josediccus ❤ :)

What can I add to your wonderful comment? Not much!

There is nothing wrong with seeking for belonging and approval. It is part of how we built. What might make this search detrimental is how we do it, like you so elaborately said.

Thank you for contributing to our debate once again with you incredible insights :) A magazine? That is a good idea. Maybe one day when I have more time :*

You take care.
Much love to you.

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In a society very judgmental we must acknowledged and live according to our rules and jurisdiction as nobody can claim to be be perfect as to whether to judge.
That's why people should not be conformed by the yardstick of other people, this can make people do the wrong things in other to belong, but doing the right things and showing confidence in all endeavours

Thank you so much @abigail-dantes for always blowing me away, I guess I should expect another block buster next week, yes?

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Yes please, a weekly magazine (e-zine?) would be lovely. I greatly enjoy reading your well constructed articles and love that you include sources with every one of them.

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Thank you @mattifer :) e-zine? What a smart, catchy name! 😃

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Abigail, thanks! I'd love to take credit for the term e-zine, but alas, it's not my own. I'm looking forward to reading yours though! ;-)

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We live in a Society where body shaming is rampant, people feel insecure to be thick and juicy in their body structure, simply because they will be labelled fat

I don't see the problem in telling people, that they are not living healthy, especially if they start complaining about it. Being overweight/obese is one of the main health issues today, which accumulates in billions of medical costs. Besides that, fat people receive sometimes even unfair advantages:
Why do I have to pay extra for my 20 kg luggage on a plane, which will, if added to my body weight, equal roughly 100 kg in total, while a fat person with a body weight of 150 kg pays less, if he has no luggage at all?

My point is:
I don't care about body types, but as soon as somebody complains about how unfair "society" treats him, I will always point out the flaws in his own logic. It's not always the fault of big, bad, evil society, but quite often your own laziness and unwillingness to change.

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I think you can shame people for their decisions. Obesity that is the result of a condition is far rarer than obesity that is the result of a choice.

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Great i totally i agree with your with that you expressed

Another fantastic post. Your articles always make me think a little bit out of my comfort zone which is a good thing.

I'm glad you pointed out that seeking approval is an innate human characteristic and shouldn't be a inherently bad thing, even if it can lead to unhealthy obsessions. Its a fine line to balance and I don't think anyone does it perfectly.

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That is a very nice thing to hear @tking77798. Thank you for saying that :)

Finding balance is indeed the key that allows us to enter a world of emotional stability! A key that we all misplace from time to time :P

All the best !

Hello Abigail, it's such a honor and privilege to be mentioned in a well written article that is nothing short of excellence. Your perspective on the topic is an eye-opener especially on incongruence, as I have seen it first hand. People pretend to be something they are not for so long that they actually forget who they really are. Have a lovely weekend Abby :)

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Hey @moshroom 😊

It makes me truly happy to hear you are pleased with this post and got something out of the humanistic ideas I shared here. Yes, incongruence is a truly interesting concept. Well, Carl Rogers is, for sure, one of my favorite psychologists.

I wish you a great weekend too, and all the best aways :*

Well, as your number one, go-to-egomaniac it's only natural I will share some of my thoughts about this topic with you.

Narcissists choose dominance. People who have healthy self-esteem, on the other hand, favour equality. In the same way that while narcissists adopt arrogance, criticism and denigration. Confident individuals go for humility, constructive feedback and respect individuals for who they are.

I very much disagree with this statement.
In my opinion, you can have a high self-esteem as well display a good amount of arrogance - without being a narcissist.
You don't need to treat everybody with respect and equality, if they don't deserve it. I don't have to respect brain-dead monkeys like religious people who are imposing their beliefs upon others, sometimes even threatening, hurting or killing them. Nope. Not a bit of respect and equality for these examples of human degeneration. And I can disrespect them without being a narcissist at all.
I treat people equally who deserve this kind of treatment. Well-used arrogance and denigration can be very helpful tools in dealing with certain kinds of people.

All this can be explained by the very fact that people presenting healthy self-esteem have built their confidence upon real achievements, deep moral values as well as care and respect for others. This is not the same when it comes to narcissists, as their actions are generally fuelled by insecurity, inadequacy and fear of failure.

Again, I disagree. You can still have a high self-esteem, but this doesn't need to be connected to real achievements. You can be very well aware of your skills, which are enabling you to actually do stuff - but even if you achieve much, your self-esteem might not be positively affected by it. For example, if you are a perfectionist, you will never be really satisfied with the things you have achieved, because there will always be something, which you could have done better. In this way, "real achievements" might even have a negative impact on your self-esteem. This is, why it's important, in my opinion, to disconnect your self-esteem from your achievements and focus on your actual skill set. You need to be satisfied with your own abilities and therefore your own personality and not with the things you did (not).

Besides that: I also don't think deep moral values are a key factor for high self-esteem. Morality is usually a quite flexible, fragile thing which mainly depends on your current social status and the groups you are belonging to. These things can change pretty fast. Attaching your self-confidence to your morality would make your self-esteem as fragile as moral values usually are.
Doesn't seem like a good idea to me ¯\ _ (ツ)_/¯

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First, I have to say that this article was such an easy read. It helps to understand the subject of discussion without having to wade through a pool of professional terms. I think this need to belong is the mother of peer pressure, which appears to have a stronger hold on the young, who'd do anything to "belong" to the "cool kids," especially at a school. It doesn't stop as a young person, some societies only value materialistic things and tend to value the self-worth of an individual by the number of zeros in their bank account balance and, oftentimes, the number of personal belongings such as cars, houses, etc. People have been driven to a life of crime in their bid to acquire wealth and hence gain "respect" and belong to meet up with such a materialistic society. I was reading the inspiring story of Ben Carson, one of the world's most gifted former pediatric neurosurgeon, The Gifted Hands, I saw his rebellion and the push to make his struggling mother spend the little money she earned from doing menial jobs on a "cool dress" in other to join other cool kids in high school. Even though he was a top performing student, he still felt the need to belong and be accepted by some of the cool, obviously less intelligent people, in his school.

I guess we only break free from such negative effects of belonging to the detriment of our wallet, health, etc by knowing that those people whom we struggle to show off that "we've finally made it or arrived," most of the time do not really care as much as we may think. On the internet almost everyone is rich, the Instagram is filled with "millionaires" who spend time showing selfies in various exotic destinations. Most of which may not really be doing as great as their twitter/Instagram pictures say they do. They get seriously offended if someone is to say something negative about the situation. People like me know that people do not care as much as that. If it's my grandmother, she says if you really want to know if people care about you disappear for some days and see who asked after you. She said the chances are the people who may ask of your whereabouts are probably those you are owing! That was a hilarious statement of hers, but she may be right. I always look forward to your weekend posts. Thank you for sharing.

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Hey Green 😃

Yes, our need for belonging is definitely what makes 'peer pressure' such a strong social feature. Your analysis of materialistic societies is a great one. Because most societies and cultures promote materialistic values as the ones that deliver a sense of belonging that is what most people will pursue. But does that meet the needs of their true-selves? From my perspective, I don't think so. Otherwise we wouldn't have anxiety and depression cases constantly on the rise.

It is difficult being a social being nowadays Green. What option are we left with in the end? Being outcasted, or being accepted at the expense of overseeing our inner requirements? The story of Dr. Carson's that you shared with us here just illustrates what humanistic psychology proposes, our innate, ultimate need to belong. And like you said, if we were not so easily seduced we could break free from this need at extreme levels.

Your grandmother said it all!! 😂 And that is why I stated that building self-esteem, and a sense of acceptance on the number of 'thumbs up' is a bit shaky!

Thank you so much for sharing your views about this topic with me Green, you always, always have something interesting to add to our debates. It pleases me a lot to hear you found this post easy-to-read, it encourages me to write more content under this style.

Have a wonderful, blessed Saturday :*
All the best.

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I'm enroute from another state. I'm reading this reply with a smile on my face. Yeah, you make psychology seem easy :)

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❤ Have a good journey Green :)

@abigail-dantes

I cannot agree more! In bid to "belong" and be approved by peer group and contemporary attractions, narcissists can do anything to get recognition and be admired...

With regard to social media, personally, I see this mechanism as an explanation to why so many individuals lose their authenticity, their true-selves; as a dear follower of mine pointed out “ ... they will do anything to be more attractive, cool and badass” 4. And here I go again: all in order to meet an instinctual drive for being approved by others, and consequently meet a deep-rooted need of belonging.

This post says it all. Regards

@sciencetech
STEM contributor

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I suppose that social media is, after all, a quick, simplistic way to obtain attention. But, we should never jump to conclusions and start labeling people as narcissists :)

Thank you for taking the time and read and comment once again @sciencetech.
Have a wonderful day.

Aristotle said that humans are a zoon politikon (social/civic animal).

We are hypersocial animals, and some genes in dogs (as opposed to wolves, who don't have those alleles) and humans seem to be working in the same way in us and in them, which might explain why we find each other's company so nice :)

On chromosome six in particular, investigators have found three genes that code for hyper-sociability—and they are in the same spot as similar genes linked to similar sweetness in humans.

Goffman would agree that how we appear to others dictates a lot of our behavior.

Just yesterday I was walking down the promenade and I was struck by the image of a very young girl taking pics, under parental instruction, of her young looks-conscious mom who was posing in a sexy manner on decorative rocks. That struck me as vain and very stereotypical of our current culture. Instead of enjoying her walk with her daughter, she's thinking of the uploading she's going to be doing once she gets home, and imparting these same values to her kid.

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The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life was a tough read, I found; but, so worth it! I read it 3 years ago, still have the notes I made from it.

Ah! The scenario you described here of the mother and her daughter depicts so well what society is all about at the moment. I sometimes ask myself if this will ever change. If, the line divides what is private and public will ever become well defined once again; and if people will refrain from the need of sharing their every little thing!

Thank you so much for adding Aristotle’s conclusions to this debate as well as the study! I appreciate it very much 😊❤️

Take care Alexander.
Ps: I already have Lady Macbeth. Next, just allocate a couple of hours to watch it! 😃

@abigail-dantes, great post! Unfortunately, there's so much pressure to be what society deems acceptable and so much of that comes from social media and the media in general.

So when the great author Napoleon Hill says, "Deliberately seek the company of people who influence you to think and act for yourself", I take that to also mean to disassociate yourself from that which doesn't influence you to think and act for yourself.

And, that could mean disassociating from social media if need be in order to rediscover the awesomeness one already is.

Love ya sissy! 😁

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"Deliberately seek the company of people who influence you to think and act for yourself"

What a great quote this is my dear @karencarrens :) Thank you for sharing it here with us. Glad to hear you liked this article. You are always so encouraging and that is why I think I love you more 😘

once again pleased to greet you aby friend and as always your quality post. Depending on the degree of self-esteem that a person possesses is the degree of success that you will have in your life. if we always wait for the approval of other people to make decisions .. WE WILL BE WRONG.
Each one has the strength and capacity to analyze and make our own decisions about what we say, think or execute.
happy weekend. God bless you :))

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Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me once again my dear @rosnely. Have a wonderful week!! :*

amiga @ abigail-dantes seems to me a very good topic, in these times in social networks especially youth is being very affected, because the current prototypes of how young people should be at this time for my opinion are very wrong and there are many young people trying to be and act as they say these standards doing a hundred things that could even threaten their own lives and all seeking acceptance of these stereotypes now. If I think that social networks have a lot to do in these times with the actions of many people, in addition to distancing them from their loved ones, they are always very busy interacting with others who do not know and forget their family nucleus, everything is question of having conscience and living doing what we really like and not what others want us to do. We must meet certain standards in life but not live for others if not for ourselves that is the fullness.

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Yes @stefany12, it is only through respecting and following most of our inner-self requirements (because it is impossible to follow them all) can we know and be in touch with our true selves and enjoy a life of genuine confidence and sense of belonging :)

All the best to you always.

Hello miss Abi, how are you doing ?

I believe all of us needs validation , what i mean is recognition , that sometimes we do need to be recognized and appreciated , and it's indeed a help on our self esteem , also a motivation yes , to do better than yesterday , but behind all these we shoudn't always expect others to notice us . Acceptance and self appreciation is the key for me so others will give you that too.

for now i can say that my self esteem is only 60 or 70% maybe , hehe. i fewl less appreciated at times , but then it's still myself who motivates me to keep going .

Thanks always miss Abi , sorry am late again hehe. you take care always , eapecially your health. muchlove from us 😘❤️❤️❤️

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Hello my dear @zephalexia

Today I am feeling a little tired. But, despite of this, I am fine. Thank you very much for asking 😊

So ... 60% to 70% self-esteem levels. This indicates to me you are a quite confident person and sure of yourself. I am very glad to hear this :)

Much love to you ❤️

If people to gain the acceptance of society do many things, I think being on social networks is one of those things because they feel that their are not fashionable are out of time and to surprise others are also immersed in them , I think it is very sad to live to please others forgetting ourselves, what we want to achieve and do, people will not be satisfied with what we do, and this life is very short, we should forget to please the society and learn to live for us so we will not feel frustrated rather made, satisfied with ourselves, thanks @ abigail-dantes very good post as always.

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Thank you @urbano579 for sharing your always insightful thoughts here with us. Yes, living a life that only pleases others is indeed a sad one. We must first and foremost listen to ourselves first. Only then we can make sensible judgement and evaluate what society requires of us.

All the best :)

hi abigail very good post, again with information of high quality to improve our lifestyle, good friend in particular I have always thought that you can not please everyone, that we have to be ourselves and do in this life what we really like, it is unfair to ourselves to live hypocritically doing what society likes leaving aside our own tastes, so we will always be frustrated, that is my humble opinion about it, thank you for your very nutritious publication .

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Hello @mili2088 :) It is always great having your feedback ! I don't have much to add to your comment, as you conveyed your opinion so efficiently and concisely. I can only agree that in order for us to enjoy inner-peace we ought to be truthful first and foremost, to ourselves.

Have a great day my dear.

So in other words all these kind of people should start wondering about themselves and in what state they are because as you said if they don't ask for help nobody can do anything to help them. The hard part to this i think that lies and is deeply connected with social media.

I'll explain a little further to what i mean. If a person is addicted in social media and in an extend he/she is a narcissist he/she may have no idea of what he/she becomes. The reason is rather simple if you think about it.

They live in an illusion

If they have 1000-10000 followers or ''friends'' depending on the social media platform that all day long comment them saying ''you are awesome'' ''you are the best'' , ''i wish i were you'' .''please talk to me'', "wowowow he/she actually replied to me!!!!!!!!!", " i love you", " you are beautiful" they get the wrong idea about themselves and along with dopamine they think that they are ''gods''

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Precisely! And that is the reality (or illusion as you correctly put it), they probably build their self-worth upon. It is a fragile one, though.

Lots of love to you my dear.
Take Care :*

Hello @abigail-dantes! Hope you're having a wonderful day :)

Confidence/self-esteem is not to be confused with narcissism! There are some people out there who are incredibly confident. They, sometimes, are unfairly labelled as narcissists. But here is the thing, there is a remarkable difference between those two kinds of characters.

That made my day! At least now I know there's still a chance I'm not a narcissist. I've always been extremely confident and that always made me wonder whether there's something wrong with that. I was always labeled a narcissist due to my confidence levels. However I have a lot of empathy and try to be fair to everyone regardless of their religious, racial, social or financial characteristics though.

This is not the same when it comes to narcissists, as their actions are generally fuelled by insecurity, inadequacy and fear of failure. So, you can see how social media can be a remedy used to alleviate such feelings. It provides people with the opportunity to quickly build a sense of belonging and obtain validation simply upon a ‘thumbs up’. Easy, peasy!

Sounds right, however I still think that this only works for certain types of average Joes who don't use their brains too much in the first place. Thoughts like this make me wonder whether I'm a narcissist or not.

Our need for approval and validation stems from our innate necessity to feel included.

That sums it all up for me, social media or not. We 're only human, even if you 're the most confident person on Earth, there are still insecurities lurking in the hallways of your mind.

Thanks for another thought provoking read!
See you around!

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It pleases me very much when I hear people talking about their sense of confidence my dear @lordneroo, particularly young people :) Low self-esteem is rampant nowadays, and this maybe a reason why you confused your levels of confidence with narcissism. This says a lot about the way were brought up, as the underlying reasons differentiating one from the other are mostly seen in the childhood years.

Thoughts like this make me wonder whether I'm a narcissist or not.

Ahahahah, I suppose I see what you mean! But, I don't think it is a matter of using one's brain more or less, it is how people make sense of their own reality. What seems absurd to us, it is perfectly logical for others, right? :)

We 're only human, even if you 're the most confident person on Earth, there are still insecurities lurking in the hallways of your mind.

I love how you expressed this Lordnerro. And here I am, once again, writing down your thoughts on my little notepad. Thank you so much for sharing them with me :*

All the best to you and your family!
Lots of love from Portugal.

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And here I am, once again, writing down your thoughts on my little notepad.

What can I say! I'm more than humbled by your kindness once again! :) It means a lot coming from you.

Lots of love to you and your loved ones as well!
Have a great night!

Saludos mi estimada, una vez mas encatada de leer sus escrito y bueno un poco entristecida ya que no pude hacerme sentir en sus escritos pasados.

Con respecto al tema, considero que las redes sociales son un arma de doble filo. Digo esto, ya que para pertenecer a este mundo es necesario que la persona goze de seguridad de si mismo, un autoestima dentro de los parámetros, es decir, ni muy alta ni muy baja en pocas palabras normal. Donde, pueda discernir que las redes sociales son extraordinarias siempre y cuando se utilicen como se deben, tomando de ellas lo útil y lo provechosas que pueden ser.

Sabemos que muchas personas usan las redes sociales como aceptación y aprobación, pero también sabemos que aun dándonos cuenta que lo que estamos haciendo esta mal siempre habrá alguien que apruebe y acepte eso malo, brindando a la persona la emoción de que fue bien visto lo que hizo.

Este punto me llamo poderosamente la atención...

Cuando era niña, Debbie siempre trató de ser la persona que su madre quería que fuera. Como adulta, luchó para ser la persona que imaginó que su esposo deseaba.(Storr, p.4).Las líneas que siguieron hablaban de los años de la adolescencia de Debbie, un período durante el cual tuvo un ataque de nervios y fue hospitalizada, como consecuencia de su autoestima severamente baja y su gran autodesprecio. Su verdadero yo se había perdido por completo a lo largo de los años, y también su sentido de pertenencia.

Tengo una amiga, con la que he podido compartir íntimamente y pude darme cuenta inmediatamente que su vida gira entorno a los deseos y forma de vida de su esposo e hija, haciendo de ella una persona con falta de personalidad, autoestima muy baja y falta de criterio para las cosas. Donde ella piensa, que siendo como ellos consideran encontrara la aceptacion y aprobacion como un ser humano mas.
Este estilo de vida que ella lleva la ha empujado a refugiarse en las redes sociales, donde allí efectivamente ha encontrado la aceptación y aprobación que tanto ella anhela, lamentablemente haciendo de su vida mas miserable ya que lo que realmente ella quiere y desea es ser vista, aceptada y aprobada por su esposo e hija.

Es aquí lo que ha retumbado en mis oídos: solo se puede ayudar a quien así lo desea.

Un fuerte abrazo mi estimada con todo mi cariño<3

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Hello my dearest @jayoxaju 😃

As ALWAYS your thoughts about our topics add something relevant to the debate:

sabemos que aun dándonos cuenta que lo que estamos haciendo esta mal siempre habrá alguien que apruebe y acepte eso malo, brindando a la persona la emoción de que fue bien visto lo que hizo.

YES! And the other way round is also true: doing something genuinely good, but receiving little or no recognition. This can truly distort people's views and sense of right and wrong. Young people are incredibly susceptible to this! This is an excellent point indeed. And this is why we need to build a solid foundation when it comes to building our confidence, and accomplishments. We ought to be self-critical sometimes and see what it is there to be seen!

I am sorry to hear about your friend! :( There are SO many people out there in a similar situations, but what they need to understand is that they won't find their self in the external world; but, rather, in their inner world!

Thank you for stopping by once again my dear. Your comments and words are a gift to me. I understand some of the problems that occurred in Venezuela with regard to electricity and internet. And I only have one thing to ask you: you should never worry! I do think of you and feel your absence; but we cannot always be present 100% of the time, right? After all we have an off-line life to deal with and take care of!!

Much love to you always and forever :*

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Siempre encantada de ser un granito de arena en sus escritos, ademas reconozco que ser participe de sus post me liberan y me hacen muy bien, es una forma de poder dar a conocer mis vivencias.
Y si, tiene toda la razón, detrás de linea tengo una vida y mucha gente que cuidar pero aunque no lo crea es muy importante para mi participar en sus temas, se han vuelto parte de mi.

Gracias por el cariño, cosa que le correspondo al 100% un fuerte abrazo mi estimada...

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😃💖



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😘

This is a righteous post Abbey. Sometimes people would act so "artificial", just to feel a sense of belonging. But at the end, the question is - do they actually feel belonged by that act?

Sometimes, we could spend time trying to convince ourselves of what we want to become, but we could forget who need to be (we need to be ourselves). When we be ourselves, the acceptance/sense of belonging would flow naturally... My opinion though.

Nice piece Abbey

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Hello my Dear Sammi :)

I think that is why some people resort to extremes and keep going back for more and more Sami, like the Canandian woman, the sense of belonging is not genuine. I suppose.

YES! We need to be ourselves in order to enjoy a life of true confidence, real self-esteem and subjective well-being :)

Lots of love to you my dear :*

Our need for approval and validation stems from our innate necessity to feel included.

In terms of social media, I agree.

Recently, I went with a friend of mine at late hours to meet her husband who was landing at the airport that night. She wore a casual slipon.
While I saw nothing wrong with that, she told me that what she wore was not too good, and I asked her why, she said because ladies are going to comment negatively about the slip on.

This means her consciousness already developed to having or accepting approval from folks.

I think the best way to life a free and non pleasing life is to stop seeking external approval consciously or subconsciously.

An excellent post you have served us with. Thanks.

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Hello there dear @turpsy :)

Thank you so much for stopping by once again.

Our need to feel included is true for both the online and oofline world :)
It is because of this need that we have become social beings able to form long-lasting, deep relationships and friendships!

Your friends case illustrates Carl Roger's theory so well : the constant battle we face going back and forth, in our psyche, between who we really are and who we should be. Thank you for sharing it here with us. It is very pertinent to this discussion :)

All the best to you always :*

Hi Ms. Abi.. 😊😘

Since I was a kid, I've been surrounded by people who have been trying to prove themselves and to be belong, especially during my high school and college days, peer pressure is all over most of them are trying to change who are they just to be able to be accepted in a certain group, even my co-workers before, to be able to prove their worth to our managers they are willing to forget who are they and change themselves to somebody else,

when I join steemit and until now my self-esteem is not that good, maybe because english is not my native tongue and I am worried that my grammar is not good and no one will like my blog, that why I am so blessed to have some kind people who supported me and my works every single day,,, thank you Ms. Abi for giving me enough confidence to go on.... 😘😘😘

Love Lots,
Avegail....

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Some people are way more susceptible to eer pressure than others! And, without a doubt lack of self-esteem plays a part in make them more vulnerable! I am glad to hear that despite not feeling that confident you faced the challenge, started and stayed on Steemit :) You have a good level of English!! Not only that, you have been improving more and more and more. You should be very proud of yourself! First for trying and then for becoming better at something that, innitially, you were not so sure of!

Lots of love to you always 😘

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Thank you ms. Abi for a very motivating message.... Hearing from you that I'm improving is very heart warming.... Thank you always...
So grateful to have you...

Love, Avhy

Ho Abigail, great work again. So glad that you chose to return to steemit! (just joking ;-P)

I particularly liked the paragraph about narcicists, as I know a few people that could hypothetically fit into that category.
"You can only help someone who wants to be helped." So true.

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So glad that you chose to return to steemit!
😂😛

Thank you for stopping by once again dear @sco :)

It can be rather draining dealing with narcissists; but, understanding their peculiarities makes the experience a little easier.

I wish you a great Saturday afternoon.
Take Care :*

Hola mi estimada Abigail, un saludo y abrazo amoroso.

So, following both W. James’s and A. Maslow’s ideas, it would make sense to say that seeking for approval is something that we do instinctually.

Totalmente de acuerdo! Como individuos primeramente buscamos la aprobación de nuestros familiares, si no lo logramos buscaríamos la aprobación de nuestros amigos, si tampoco lo logra el individuo se sumergiría en un mundo virtual tratando de llenar esa carencia existencial de afecto y atención.
Pero hay algo que me llama la atención, antes de que la tecnología comunicacional existiera (Facebook, twitter, etc…) teníamos dos clases de individuos, el primer individuo que no lograba la aceptación de otros se convertía en un solitario pero con una mente brillante, esta clase de individuo utilizaba el arte, la música, la poesía, hasta lograr la aceptación de multitudes. Por otro lado el segundo tipo se sumergía en un mundo perverso volviéndose un asesino en serie tal el caso de Jack el destripador, todo esto basado en un perfil psicológico.

From a Freudian’s point of view, this could be explained by how, mainly during childhood years, our instinct/nature (the id) is controlled through the development of our subjective individuality (the ego) and culture/society (the superego).

they will do anything to be more attractive, cool and badass”

Casualmente hoy realicé una publicación de mi autorretrato y de lo que el EGO puede causar en nuestras vidas, en el post explico brevemente que por causa de mi ego puedo cambiar detalles de mi imagen distorsionando totalmente como soy en realidad (hablando físicamente). Wow esto me eriza la piel.

governed by a superficial desire to take pictures of myself in exotic locations to post on Instagram and receive likes and attention.
A desire that drove her into smuggling cocaine on a luxurious cruise liner, where she took photos and selfies, in an endeavour that ultimately sent her to jail.

Bueno por lo menos arruino su propia vida! Lo grave es cuando un joven por una conducta narcisista hace daño e incluso mata en una escuela, esto es verdaderamente grave, aunque por lo que he leído los narcisistas muy rara vez cometen homicidios debido a su alta autoestima, se lo atributaría a una persona de baja autoestima, estos llevan la batuta en estos casos.

Our need for approval and validation stems from our innate necessity to feel included.

Esta es la raíz del asunto! La inclusión, esta es la necesidad de todos nosotros como individuos, no solo el ser humano como un ser pensante y racional, también lo vemos en los animales en la naturaleza, es algo con lo que todo ser vivo nace y tiene necesidad de que sea de llenar en su vida, solo falta que estos temas sean incluidos en las escuelas, para tener una percepción saludable sobre este tema.

Mi estimada Abi que grata lectura me has dado hoy, no te comente ayer por problemas de conectividad, pero como dice el dicho “más vale tarde que nunca” me despido que tengas un feliz fin de semana junto a los tuyos :*

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Hello @javisem 😃

The observation you made about people, who in the past didn't really fit in reminded of a friend my mother had. He was like that, he just kept his personal life to himself and resorted to painting and poetry as a means to alleviate his inadequacy in life.

The difference between the present and those long gone days is the fact that the line between what is private and public has been completely blurred; and social media has contributed hugely to this!

Ha! I love the point you made about the ego :D

And, of course, I love how you concluded your discussion. It is indeed our need to belong that turns not only us; but many, many animals into social beings. It is thanks to this need that we are able to form deep, long lasting relationships.

Much, much love to you from Portugal ❤

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Gracias a ti por esas publicaciones, en mi mente hay un mundo de letras, pero tengo dificultad en muchas ocasiones para expresarlos, me falta pedagogía para hacer textos técnicos.
Es decir siempre me voy y digo mi punto directamente :b

People who are insecure and have fragile egos are particularly susceptible to seek external opinions in order to feel better about themselves.

Having spent (too) much time being exactly that person in my adult life, the catalyst for change was having my heart ripped to shreds.
Funny uh? (not funny ha ha funny, but funny peculiar).

It wasn't until that point in my life that I truly 'grew up'. Self survival necessitated it.
And now external approval means less and less nowadays. (with some exceptions)
Your post reminded me of was something I was going to write a post on a while back..
Is there any correlation between insecurity/security, and heartbreak..?
Of course the problem is the subjectivity to be able measure it in any empirical way.
Observation of peoples insecurities, (if you really know a persons life story), seems to have some roots in this.

As children, growing up with love makes for more emotionally secure people, so conversely...(I grew up in the 'so conversely' group, to some degree)
External approval was important .(in retrospect, it was never conscious)

Going through my own emotional crap forced me into reassessing who I really was, and what was of real value -and what values I thought I had, held no value at all.
And thus external approval was then relegated to far far down on my list of priorities.
It's still present to some degree, but I'm aware of when it kick's in, (and fairly quickly.)

True sentience is the key, and unfortunately immersing your time in social media is an activity that takes you directly away from introspective time..

It's a new phenomenon.
Up until this last 15 years or so, introspective time was offered to each of us, just through living your life...
(previously - your bus might be 30 minutes late, so you sit down and just think. You had time. Now you tweet.)

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Out of all the comments you kindly take the time to leave me. This is, without a doubt, my very favourite one! I don’t have any study to back this up; but, I think it is safe to say that insecure people are more likely to be affected by a ‘heartbreak situation’. Because of the rejection factor. However, what I found peculiar about your case is how you managed to turn your self-perception around. What I see over and over again, is that people with this sort of behaviour, in such situations, just immediately find yet another relatiship. The cycle starts again!

Amazing comment and evaluation you left me here.
Thank you very much 😊❤️

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To be honest, I may well have have jumped back into another relationship (something I've done before), but the climatic point in the relationship ending, was me with my lower leg hanging in half, in hospital, and an enforced 8/9 months laid up in bed. ( and quite a few operations on it... bah blah)

....Introspection time, big time... ( I never had a pesky smartphone!)

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Here is something you might like...

I'm gonna have to stop reading your post, you make me think...
😂😂😂

https://steemit.com/blog/@lucylin/the-curse-of-the-perfectionist-and-procrastination

[email protected]!! You've been on my mind lately for the sole reason I've not been around to participate in discussions. And here I am making a conscious effort to come on and see what you're up to.. :)

It's either a coincidence or metaphysics that I sign on and see your latest post covers areas of narcissistic tendencies. I've just finished researching the traits of a narcissistic individual and came away feeling quite disturbed by what I found. Anyway, it's always educational to read your posts, I'll try to keep up. :* Peace.

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Hello my dearest @fiercewarrior. It is always wonderful to hear from you :)

Yes! Narcissism is definitely a fascinating, but terrifying construct! There is so much written about it. It is the personality trait that has most been studied in terms of length of time.

Much love to you.
Take care :*

Hello @abigai-dantes

Thanks for a well written post that justifies the reasons why narcissists behave the way the do, and which also underscores very robustly the clear differences between narcissistic persons and confident people. I agree with every bit of your arguments. They are rich and succinct!

Regards

@eurogee of @euronation and @steemstem communities

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Thank you @eurogee, for once again taking time to read my work and provide quality feedback! :)
All the best to you always.

The big mistake: "live thinking about who we should be instead of cultivating what we are".

This question you ask is key: "But, how far are we willing to go to be accepted and belong?"

This invites us to make a self-reflection and ask ourselves, how much do we think we need to change to be accepted? It's crucial to keep the difference between trust and self-esteem, since a narcissistic person can not be treated as one who is not. It 's basic to understand that a person with confidence will always seek the advancement of others and will not feel fear of being overcome, while the narcicist will try to dominate the fear that someone will overcome and this reinforces their low self-esteem. In terms of social networks, it is healthy to want others to be part of our achievements and share them and even motivate others to achieve the same, to be someone of positive influence for society; however, the problem comes when the need for that approval is directly proportional to our low self-esteem. When we become what others want us to be, it is extremely dangerous because at the end of the day when there is no contact with the networks, only the inner emptiness that must be filled through self-reflection, knowledge and insight increases. We will not achieve that in a "like".

Much to reflect as a society!

Thank you @abigail-dantes for your excellent article as always, Blessings.

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Thank you very much for this insightful comment @mela88 :) I suppose that it is that inner-emptiness we all are afraid of facing!

All the best :*

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Exactly @abigail-dantes, , but when facing it everything flows better. And when we have God much more. Good day!

To be honest, all of these combined made me give up on society altogether.

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Hello there @grimfangs :)

Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment 😃
Now, you left me wondering what you mean by ‘give up on society’.

Take care :)

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Oh. What I mean is that I've given up on building a social network or putting efforts into maintaining a peer group. I just like let things happen naturally and let people flock together. The ones who see more than what the world shows and can read the underlying mechanisms of it.

In short, I'm living as me. Not how I'm supposed to live or with a projected image of myself. Obviously, being a pack animal, man can't live without others around him. If I'm not wrong, our outer personality is based around five of our closest connections. But yes. What I mean is that I have given up on living as per the wants of the greater society in exchange for alienation and people who see more than what is supposed to be seen or addressed. People who haven't built their cognition on the basis of a set of rules as stipulated by the society.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and inquire.

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Oh! Wow ... what a reply you left me here @grimfangs. It seems to me that you enjoy healthy levels of self-acceptance and self-esteem. I am saying this because of the rationale you shared here with me; which I believe paves the way for someone to reach such approach. It is liberating!

Thank you :)

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Well, thank you @abigail-dantes. I'll just say that I considered my own choices more important than what other people wanted me to be. In my perspective, that is the way I can find true relationships with people which I can sustain. It was indeed about liberation initially, but I did stumble into something much more wonderful: taking care and responsibility of myself. I've started journeying into self-discovery and self-control. High time I do so.

Thank you once again. Your words are kind and inspirational.

" The self you have betrayed is your mind; self-esteem is reliance on one’s power to think. The ego you seek, that essential “you” which you cannot express or define, is not your emotions or inarticulate dreams, but your intellect, that judge of your supreme tribunal whom you’ve impeached in order to drift at the mercy of any stray shyster you describe as your “feeling.” "

Ayn Rand, For the New Intellectual, 177

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Thank you for sharing this with me!! :D

Hi @abigail-dantes!

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Thank you very much @utopian-io :) Your support is very much appreciated!

"Narcissists choose dominance. People who have healthy self-esteem, on the other hand, favor equality."

I would be very careful with that. First of, even if you are narcissistic you can't show dominance in all aspects of life, it's just impossible. Maybe some can be dominant in more aspects of life (or it is more visible and apparent), but it is impossible to dominate much. Also, "equality" was in my interest for quite a while and I definitely do not recommend ending sentence with it like that. Mostly because it could be interpreted in two, completely opposite ways: equality of outcome and equality of opportunity. Those two are cause of so much evil in the world you wouldn't believe...

Also:
"As a child, Debbie always tried to be the person her mother
wanted her to be. As an adult, she struggled to be the person she imagined her husband desired."

When I hear sentence like that I always wonder, how much of it is actual outside pressure put on that particular individual and how much is his/her own feeling that this pressure is there.

Especially after this follow up:

"... about Debbie’s young adult years, a period during which she had a
major nervous breakdown and was hospitalized, as a consequence of her severely low self-esteem and huge self-loathing. "

It's not like I don't understand the complexity of this whole situation, but it would seem to me that it was mostly her imagination.

Imagination like fire can burn, but those who don't use it spend their lives in darkness.

Lovely article, keep warm Abi :)

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SIM!!! You paid me a visit :D
All notes have been taken Sir! :P Thank you for stopping by.

You have a wonderful Sunday!

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I always visit you, but usually just wandering :)
Same to you!

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😘

I love psychology since my high school and I've read everything what you wrote on your blog, just want to say you're one of my fav authors here:)
Often I can apply things that I read to improve myself, but I'm starting to think maybe to visit some therapist, just to talk a little bit about some problems. Unfortunately in many countries it's taboo to go to the therapy.

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Hello there @nikolanikola :)

Thank you very much for your kind words. I didn't know that in Serbia, seeing a psychologist/therapist is still a taboo! It is great to hear the topics discussed here are familiar to you, you must have done some pretty interesting reading then! Are the things you would like to discuss appropriate to blog about? Writing things down is, as well as talking, a great way to put our thoughts in order and makes sense of things!

If you decided to do that. Please let me know. I would be very interested in reading your reflections.

All the best :)

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Thanks Abigail, I see that you usually answer on every comment on your blog and that's really nice :)
Unfortunately It's still taboo here. Where are you from? :D
I think that those things which are bothering me in some way, are not so exactly for a public blog, if you know what I mean.
But, often some things from psychology that I've read can form some philosophical thinking that I love to write and share it with people on my blog, but I often write such things on Serbian language, which is I guess not so common with yours.

Wish you the best :)

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I am from Brazil Nikola :)

Personally I have self-esteem and same time humble
Atimes over high self-esteem can lead to pride and a very low self esteem leads to timidity

A desire that drove her into smuggling cocaine on a luxurious cruise liner, where she took photos and selfies, in an endeavour that ultimately sent her to jail.

In as much as one wants to belong or pretend as if he/she belongs, contentment
Should always be in one's mind because godliness and contentment is of great gain and would free one from calamities

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Hi @ikchris :)

It is always good to see you here. Thank you for taking the time to share your views about this topic!

Best.

are attention whores (which most of us are) realy narcissts? The cocain girl doesnt look narcisstic, she just wants to be competitiv on instagram?

anyway interesting post. Resteem

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Hello there @lauch3d :)

I didn't say Melina is a narcissist :) Actually, I said that to say that would be to jump to conclusions. Also, it is important to understand that there are narcissists at a psychopathological level, and at sub-clinical levels. This is a construct we all present, some of us more than others. And, some of the reasons for this can be found in the way we were brought up!

I appreciate your comment and resteem very much.
Thank you :D

Nowadays social media of many kinds, its function is also not limited to more easily connect with others. The reason people use social media also varies, there are limited to find new friends, keep the relationship (which in add friend just known aja), channeling the hobby, follow the trend, let exist, or business.

Some people who are stifling with the content of social media status who contain vent moody, or complaints may say "Use social media wisely!"

In my opinion, the effect of that curiosity that makes people look unwise in using social media. "Status already weighted kok nobody comment or like ya?" Although not spoken, in the inner every person who makes the status must have terbesit words like this. Finally, run to the status of worries and vent because more are responding. In other words can be attention.

One more thing that makes the social media users look like to be attentive is the habit of checking notification or refresh the timeline after posting something. The more often people do this habit, the more he is "thirsty" attention. Plus there is a sense of sadness or disappointment when it turns out no one responds to his post. So, if the response is good he will keep posting things smelly and tired or something like that, if there is no response he will also keep it. Just keep going.

As I mentioned above, there are people who think attention is a necessity and it is not to blame. I do not expect people to see this like me, but at least I have a more humanist thought to understand. On the contrary, I also hope people who like to make status or post smelly and vent look at social media users like me with more humanist.

This means that social media users like me want to see their friends sharing something more diverse. Post galled may, vent can also, but please do not frequent. We also must be aware if what we post is read and noticed many people. Mutual blame is a waste, so let's just respect each other as fellow users of social media.

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Hello there Jamal :)

You comment has touched on what has been discussed both in my previous post and in the current one: compulsion towards social-networks and need for attention. But, like you stated here, whether our experience on social media becomes a constructive one or not, it will depend on our approach to it. As for respect, well that is something that first we have to apply to ourselves; only then we can also respect others.

Best.

Great article! My self-esteem ebbs and flows depending on my successes or failures on Steemit sadly enough, so maybe there is an addiction going on here lol. I have never done well with group settings in person, but on social media I am accepted, and it is very important to me.

I love people who just don't give a damn about what others think about them. It's not innate in my opinion. People who just don't care about the approval of others are out there. You can see them in their pajamas at Walmart for example.

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Hello there @snowpea 😊

You can see them in their pajamas at Walmart for example.

There are many things we can conclude based from such 'care-free' people Snowpea. One of them might indeed be 'they couldn't care less'; but, they could also behave that way because of negative feelings. Whether we are more or less preoccupied with what others might think, or say about us depends, in part, on how high or low we rate in the neuroticism dimension of personality.

With regard to your self- esteem depending your accomplishments on Steemit. There is one important thing to keep in mind: in life, we have many identities. We are mums, wives, workers, steemians and so forth. Having said that, it makes sense to think that we have many different categories of self-esteem going on. The important thing here is not to let your low self-esteem, let's say, as a social networker, shutter your self-esteem as a mum.This is a truly important thing to understand for our overall subjective well-being :)

Thank you very much for stopping by and sharing your views on this topic here with us!
Best.

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One of them might indeed be 'they couldn't care less'; but, they could also behave that way because of negative feelings.

After thinking about it some more, I suppose even if people don't care about the approval of the community, of acquaintances, someone they may run into at walmart, ect. - they most likely will at least need the approval of their closest loved ones to be truly content.

The important thing here is not to let your low self-esteem, let's say, as a social networker, shutter your self-esteem as a mum.

Thank you for your kind words and for adding perspective! Thing is, my Steemit self-esteem and my mothering self-esteem are not separate spheres. My tendency to spend too much time absorbed in Steemit is what feeds the mom-guilt I have.

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Excellent reflection you have done here based on my reply. Thank you :*

I was impressed by the young Canadian girl who is governed by the strange power of the selfies.
How can she lose her selfcontrol and admit that?
She is controlled by superficial desire that she hates or maybe she wants. I think that when she writes that sentence she is still domynated by her narcisissm.
Narcissism is often synonymous with insecurity and she looks for an approvation of herself by showing herself.

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Hey @moncia90 :)

Thank you for your comment. The Canadian woman's story is indeed quite extraordinary. Not in a good way, though. It is because of such extremes that we ought keep our impulses in check. Sometimes we behave in ways we are not even fully conscious of!

All the best.

In my opinion, everything starts from the environment of living, means many times people who mostly engage in virtual world, feel cut offed from the family or possibly they have extreme environment in their house, so in this situation they need Attention and for attention they are taking help of Social Networking Platforms.

And next point of understanding is, most of us wait for the constant feedbacks and this essence of feedbacks keep us constantly engage with the Notification Bar, so in current phase of time for most of the people notification is becoming like 1/4 excitement levels.

So much attraction towards Materialistic Aspect is one more issue which we cannot neglect for sure because, Social Networking World filled with the so called colourful lifestyles and full of commercial advertisements and all these visual effects really attracts us and we fall into the Virtual Illusions.

Literally "we are controllers of our lives" became an Lost Aspect in my opinion because if we observe people's behaviour in current phase towards their virtual gadgets then it can push us towards the deep thinking because, these gadgets are controlling us and if we stay away from these gadgets then many face the Panic Attacks.

And in my opinion, if this cycle will continued in this way only then, when we face the future world of Artificial Intelligence, at that time our flow of living will be changed because no one is bringing Artificial Intelligence, only we are encouraging for the more super technologies, but we have to remember that, we should use that much which we can digest, same way this phase of Virtual Reality and Super Technological Developments can drain our organic life.

Wishing you an great day and stay blessed. 🙂

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Thank you for sharing with us your reflection on this topic @chireerocks :)

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Welcome. 🙂

I don't think the urge for attention per se is so dangerous. It's much worse if this is all for you. Albert Einstein said the dose makes the poison, there's a lot to it! And since we nowadays have so many possibilities with facebook instagram etc. to feel the thrill in a few seconds it is very tempting. I always say a lot of what you enjoy is dangerous and you don't know where it leads. we can create a feeling with a few clicks, be it a cute cat video or a street brawl or a naked person in front of the camera. i already think that something inside of us dies a little because we have access to absolutely everything within seconds. One should not underestimate this because we suffer from stimulus floods. Well I don't just want to complain ^^ I just love your posts because you always want to say so much about it. and sorry if I missed the topic ^^! peace abigail ;)

cuddle_bodypillow.png

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Owwwww 😍

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@abigail-dantes, External Validation and Need For Approval are limited to some extent when it's come to life, but some people are addicted to these concepts and that is because they need Importance.

And this aspect of Importance is really an illusionary state means, they fantasise it like, if today i will do this haircut and put this Gel then i will look more attractive and i can get more likes and comments.

So we are moving into the Scoring System where we are trying to fit ourselves in an world which is not our need but we are moving their because we are finding pleasure in Materialistic World.

And one common Phenomenon which stays in minds of many is, how i am appearing, means people need recognition and appreciations all the time from others and it became an motivating aspect for them, but the most negative point of this phase is, if people will not get any appreciation or feedback then they hold the tendency to depress themselves. So we have understand the concepts of Need For Approval and External Validation.

Wishing you an great day and stay blessed. 🙂

studies show every time you make a personal disclosure on the internet you get a little hit of dopamine, commenting online is like crack.

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Oh! Dopamine release following personal disclosure. Interesting, I will look into this :)

Thank you for stopping by.

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social media is like that monkey who pushes a lever to get cocaine.

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

Brought to you by @tts. If you find it useful please consider upvoting this reply.

me gusta eso de que nacimos para ser reales no para ser perfectos

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Yeah! Me too :)

I love your blog. Following.

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Thank you

This's one of the best articles of the day I've read. Thanks for sharing!

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Thank you.

Hi, congratz, you are now listed on the Steemians directory (https://www.steemiandir.com/) You can read more about this initiative here: https://steemit.com/steemit/@anonyvoter/new-selections-of-july-27-2018 If you like this project it would be great if you could resteem the post to make more people aware of it.
If you don’t want to be listed just leave me a comment and I will delete your profile from the website. Thank you very much for reading and I’m looking forward to your feedback!
PS: I’m NOT a bot so… I’m really looking forward to your feedback 😊

I noticee you barely post on your blog. Maybe we can talk about this in private. My discord handle is @oghie. Thanks

Very interesting subject! I have some questions that are bothering me for a while now... First of all, If someone lacks achievements and strong foundations in their lives how can he build confidence? if you suffered from traumatic experiences all your life and lived in a discouraging environment, it will be very hard to build some self-esteem! isn’t it ??
Second, sometimes when I try to seek someone's approval, I became very conscious and it’s killing me! can I avoid this in the future ? are we doomed to seek some kind of approval?
Finally, why do think about someone who posts Instagram photos consistently and someone who updates his facebook status daily?
Thank you..

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Hello dear @fancybrothers :) It is good to see you here!

Right, so let's go straight to those questions shall we?

First of all, If someone lacks achievements and strong foundations in their lives how can he build confidence?

My opinion about how to deal with this is that such individual should first embark on a journey of self-discovery. Every single individual has a level of achievement on which they can build a certain degree of confidence that drives them towards greater motivations.

if you suffered from traumatic experiences all your life and lived in a discouraging environment, it will be very hard to build some self-esteem! isn’t it ??

Yes, that sort of environment promotes very little sense of belonging and that is why people who come from this sort of environment are generally insecure. Not all of them, of course. Nevertheless, while it is difficult those who find themselves in such situations to build self-esteem; it is not impossible! Even more so when they can recognize that and pursue something to take them out of that emotional sate.

Second, sometimes when I try to seek someone's approval, I became very conscious and it’s killing me! can I avoid this in the future ? are we doomed to seek some kind of approval?

I wouldn't like to see our need for approval as something we are doomed to. Because, it is, after all, because of it that we are able to form deep, long-term relationships. However, it is our approach this need that will determine a higher or lower level of inner-peace. Further, the way each of us approach this need highly depends on certain personality traits we have. For example, if you rate high, on the neuroticism trait you are more likely to be more upset and conscious about what others think of you than someone who rates low on that trait. This is something that is even further aggravated if you are an introvert. This are things that you can work on; and understanding yourself is a huge step forward to accept this emotions instead of give yourself a hard time about feeling them.

In the past, I have come across research which found that people who behave like that on social media are more likely to rate high both on the narcissist and extroversion dimensions of personality.

Look Fancybrothers, I recommend you to take this personality test, it measures the Big 5 traits, which are the most used model and more well-accepted in academic psychology. While this is not a scientific test, it offers a pretty good insight into one's own behaviour, way of thinking and seeing the world around.

I have recommended this to all my closest family members 😂

I hope this reply has satisfactorily answered your questions. If you have any further queries, please just let me know.

I wish you all the best :)

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Thank you my dear @abigail-dantes for taking the time to reply my questions <3 , it was a great help, I will indeed take the test, i'm on a journey to fully comprehend myself and I will let you know if I have any question ! Have a good day

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@abigail-dantes, I did the test and it was surprisingly very accurate! Now i understand a little bit more who am I, I want to be a better version of myself Do you recommend any useful source (Book/Site/ PDF ) ??

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@fancybrothers, I am impressed!! What I always suggest for those, like you, who follow this through is to, first of all, pay attention to those aspects that are most extreme. For example, the dimensions which you rated either really high, or really low. Then, tackle each one of them at a time, to begin with.

Regardless of what extreme people find themselves in, I always recommend them to have a mininum knowledge of mindfulness. Just in case you are completely unfamiliar with it, if you feel like it, just take a read at this post I wrote a while back.

This is not a psychological approach per se, or much less a religious belief. It is a philosophy; or, rather, as I prefer to define, it is a life style which mostly address issues of sadness and anxiety in a very non-biased way.

Let me just say how much a respect you for doing this. If only, all young man (especially those in your field) did this; so much emotional distress could be avoided in people's lives. And, if not entirely avoided, this attitude of yours will just equip you with high levels of emotional stability and emotional well-being. What you're doing, seeking deeper levels of self-understanding, just enables you to enjoy overall psychological stability. It is the equivalent of adopting measures in order to obtain physical health.

Only that people normally forget to take care of their mental health!

There are two books that comes to mind: it is the psychology evidence based work of Kelly McGonigal's The Willpower Instinct - she is a health neuropsychologist and Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. They offer great insights into our nature.

I hope this helps :)
ps I: isn't psychology beautiful?

Do keep in touch if you need more guidance :)