Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Hi ... whatcha ya doin'?" Katie is Quill's almost 18-year-old daughter who he has spoiled since the day she was born ... and who you'd think would love him.
Poor Ol' Quill: "I'm trying to come up with an idea for my Steemit Birthday Post. It was on January 30th but @zord189 gave me an extension because we were in the middle of that STEEM Delegation battle."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "So, what's your idea?"
Poor Ol' Quill: "I don't know yet. I'm toying with doing a 'For The Millionth Time' post explaining to Whales and Witnesses how vote manipulation is killing the blockchain. Maybe a poem:
To bid or not to bid, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The Reward Pool Rape of outrageous cheaters,
Or to take arms against a sea of Whales
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep ...
What do you think?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Still needs some work. Anyway, it sounds like a downer. Nobody wants to hear about 'blockchain governance' when they're trying to have fun. It's your Steemit birthday. You want to induce laughter, not tears."
Poor Ol' Quill: "You're probably right. Got any ideas?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Do a Roast."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Like, a Prime Rib?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "No, no ... a QuillFire Roast. My friends and I roast each other all the time. It's a lot of fun."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Honey, no one on Steemit is going to want to roast me. I'm The Quill. With the exception of a few pissed off Whales and Witnesses, people on Steemit like me. They're my friends."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Daddy, it's your friends who'll roast you. The Whales and Witnesses ... they'd throw you off a building. For real. Your friends will just want to humiliate you in public. You bring it out in people."
Poor Ol' Quill: "WHAT!?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "You piss people off."
Poor Ol' Quill: "NO, I DON'T!!! What are you talking about?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Yes, you do. You're cocky. And you're always teasing people. And that makes them want to exact revenge. A Roast gives everyone a chance to get even."
Poor Ol' Quill: "You're nuts. I'm not cocky ... and I don't tease people."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Really? You refer to yourself as, 'The Quill,' in the third person. You've variously claimed to be Napoleon, Shakespeare and Aristotle. And Satoshi. Visions of Grandeur, much?"
Poor Ol' Quill: "Ohhh, I was just fooling about. Nobody actually thinks, that I think, that I'm Satoshi."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "... And Napoleon, Shakespeare and Aristotle?"
Poor Ol' Quill: "... Well, who do I tease?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Everyone you've known for more than a week. You razz @d-pend about writing poetry in Sumerian Cuneiform. For Heaven's Sake, Daddy, you photo-shopped him into an Egyptian hieroglyph ... then made it the feature pic for a post."
"Hmmm ... what rhymes with 'Void?'"
Poor Ol' Quill: "D-Pend upvoted that post at 100%! He thought it was hilarious."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "You tease @cryptogee about wanting to be a cyborg and having a paramour who needs her oil changed every 25,000 miles. And what about that time when he wrote a serious post about abolishing the Monarchy ... you had a bunch of people leave spam videos of 'God Save The Queen' in his comments for weeks afterward?"
Nice hat, Mum.
Poor Ol' Quill: "Between you and I ... Cryptogee's just jealous because he doesn't get to wear any of those eclectic hats for which the Monarchs have become famous. In the UK, the hats are a badge of honor ... it's like having straight teeth for Americans. The Monarchy have their own shops ... and it's 'No Commoners Allowed.'
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "It's actually strange that ... only the British still do the hat thing. I wonder why that is?
Poor Ol' Quill: "It's because of the French. The French are defined by their haute couture and haute cuisine. So, to teach the French a lesson, something Brits are obsessed with, they went the other way ... crappy clothes and 'chips' ... essentially over-compensating French Fries ... served with every meal. Even lasagna. Same thing with sex. The French like to bang during the day, so they invented lingerie to look good while rutting. The Brits, with those hats ...
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "... Only do it in the dark. Huh."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Anyway, Cryptogee ended up laughing his ass off. That's just how we guys screw around with each other."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Yeah, but you screw around with them a lot more than they screw around with you. I'm telling you, they may be your buddies, but they'll jump at the chance to fry you. You know, Daddy, this could be your biggest post ever. If you want to make some money, do a QuillFire Roast."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Pumpkin, you don't understand how Steemit works. I'm just providing a little comic relief to people suffering from soul-crushing levels of crypto-depression. They appreciate my efforts at levity."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "And they'll appreciate the opportunity to return the favor."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Arrgh. You don't know what you're talking about. What do your friends roast you about?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "They say I'm a lesbian."
Poor Ol' Quill: "But you have a boyfriend ... on the O-Line of the football team."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Yeah, but why do you think it took me so long to get a boyfriend? All the guys thought I was a lezzie."
Poor Ol' Quill: "I thought you were being picky. Caleb's a big guy ... why don't you have him use some muscle to instill some respect?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Caleb ... he's got bigger problems than I do. They roast him non-stop."
Poor Ol' Quill: "What do they call him?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Well, since he started dating me ... a lesbian."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Geez ... that's gotta hurt. Nobody respects male ego anymore. Pumpkin, your friends are hyenas. My friends, the guys and the gals alike ... we all treat one another with respect."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Hmmm. The gals ... they'll be the worst. You really piss off women. @girlbeforemirror would go out and buy a new rope."
Poor Ol' Quill: "WHAT!? Marg loves me! I'm her poetry mentor and we exchange chapter length emails all the time."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "I didn't say your friends didn't like you. I said they'd all like to teach you a lesson. Take you down a notch. Take Marg: You tease her about her birdphobia ... and the humor in sending her 'Duck, Duck, Goose' for Christmas probably wasn't appreciated as much as you think. And, ever since she made that offhand comment about 'mansplaining'... you've taken every opportunity to deliberately mansplain to her ... and, in HER comment sections! And, you knew she didn't like Freud ... so you explained that 'Freude' meant 'Joy' in German ... and left a video of 'An die Freude' ... 'Ode to Joy' ... on her post. You deliberately provoke her. She has every right to want revenge."
Sometimes a Joy is just a Joy
Poor Ol' Quill: "Aah, Marg gives as good as she gets."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Yeah, and she'll give you a good tar and feathering. And so will @lynncoyle1."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Heroin, cocaine, meth ... all three!? Daughter, you're a crackhead. I'm declaring an Intervention. What did I ever do to Lynn?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "All that Re-Gifting and Veggie-Meat baloney on your birthday post. The, 'Do you think I'm pretty,' malarkey. That stays on the blockchain forever. Her grandchildren will think she was a drunken floozy."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Pumpkin ... Lynn EGGS ME ON!!! She's a Canuck. Canadian girls have a wicked sense of humor. Plus, as I've always said, Lynn is Steemit's Homecoming Queen ... and you know what Homecoming Queens are like ... they don't win the 'Popular Vote' for nothing. Besides, my generation is not like you sensitive Gen Z'ers, always swimming in a puddle of tears. We can take a joke."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Well, we'll see how well 'The Quill' can take a joke when people start plucking his plumage and carving him up like a Thanksgiving Turkey. By the way, in that metaphor, you're a turkey."
Poor Ol' Quill: "I know you meant that as an insult but I don't take it that way. Guy turkeys are actually pretty handsome devils, strutting around and Gobble Gobbling. If I were a girl turkey, I'd be like, 'Well, Hello there ... Big Fella.' You know, in most of Nature, it's actually the guys who are the eye-candy while the girls are the Plain Jane's. It's only in humans where the guys look like shit ... but can code.'
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Just our luck. And you know ... that pisses off people too. All those tidbits of useless information about ... everything. Nobody likes a smarty pants.
Poor Ol' Quill: "What are you talking about? You're every bit as bad as I am."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "A.) Where do you think I get it from? And, B.) ... my friends told everybody I was a lezzie so I couldn't get a date with a guy."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Touché."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Back to you. Does @jaynie know about those photo-shopped pics of her in a catsuit and thigh-high boots? You said you were going to DM her to give her a heads up."
12,000 STEEM Delegation ... and counting.
Poor Ol' Quill: "I forgot. Look ... everyone knows Jaynie has a boot thing and those pics got us a half-dozen Poll Votes in the MANCAVE. You go to war with the army you have. She'll understand. Besides, how do you think we got those delegations from @bluemist and @d-pend?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "So, BlueMist really is ... an @appreciator."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Nice. Fist bump."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Speaking of porn, @mattifer will roast you too. All that 'Pants Off, Dance Off' stuff."
Poor Ol' Quill: "THAT WAS JEN'S IDEA!!!"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Six months ago ... but you just won't let it die. And you promised the MANCAVE pics of that too, didn't you?"
Poor Ol' Quill: "There's a lot of computer nerds in there. They don't get much action. I was just trying to give them something to look forward to besides stupid Yellow Lambos."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "And what about @blockurator, he's an ex-Military Officer and yet, in your story, you reduced him to a drunken bum in an alley ... and made fun of his beard."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Oh, come on, Pumpkin ... THAT was funny. He looks like friggin' Fidel Castro ... it's not like anyone wouldn't have noticed on their own. Besides, he refers to himself as 'The Garden Gnome' ... how much pride could the man have? I think he must have been Air Force."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "What about @old-guy-photos ... you knew he was freezing his butt off in Michigan, but you sent him photos of our back yard in Florida ... while complaining about how much it costs to run the air conditioner. And @nickyhavey ... 'screwing around with electronic music of some sort or another.' Daddy, that's his Art."
Poor Ol' Quill: "First of all, I was trying to give the Ol' Guy something to live for, and Nicky ... as I recall, I said that all his 'screwing around with electronic music of some sort or another' had resulted in a Beatles-like phenomena. He's a Brit ... they worship the Beatles.
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Yeah but then you included the phenomena to which you were alluding ... Yoko Ono caterwauling like a lunatic."
Everyone needs an Idol
Poor Ol' Quill: "Nicky's a cool cat. He knew I was just fooling around."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "All of them. They'd roast you in a heartbeat. Stuffing. Gravy. The works. By the way, why do you call Ol' Guy, 'Ol' Guy?' He's 53 and you're 51?"
Poor Ol' Quill: "Pumpkin ... his username is 'old-guy-photos.' He brought it on himself."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "He was your mentor."
Poor Ol' Quill: "And that's why I go easy on him."
The Ol' Dawg
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "What about @fionasfavourites ... you tried to talk her into using her cat for a 'Black Cat Sacrifice.'"
Poor Ol' Quill: "We NEEDED Poll Votes. We were down by 50."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Really ... and your opining that 'cat goes well with mayonnaise!'"
"There's more than one way to ..."
You said it, not me
Poor Ol' Quill: "It does. She's a chef ... I was just sharing a professional trade secret."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "And @bluemist, you have, for months, been milking that 'He's like Charlie in the Charlie's Angels' thing. But has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, instead of being reduced to the passive, invisible, behind-the-scenes character, he'd rather be ... one of the beautiful, action-oriented Angels?"
Poor Ol' Quill: "Oh for God's Sake. Fine ... I'll make him an Angel."
A Beautiful Man Of Action
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "And what about @hlezama?"
Poor Ol' Quill: "What about him?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "'Henrry ... I'm sending you a 'Grass Is Good' cookbook to help with your weight loss program.' He lives in Venezuela ... that wasn't funny."
The Socialist Dream: "You see, the world's largest petroleum reserve ... has provided us with fertilizer."
Poor Ol' Quill: "It was anti-Maduro tongue-and-cheek! Gallows humor."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Still not funny."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Arrgh. You're taking things out of context. Everybody was having a good laugh. Nobody was offended."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Well, let's find out. Publish a QuillFire Roast Post."
Poor Ol' Quill: "... Roast and Post do rhyme. Buuuut ... you know what else rhymes with Roast and Post ... TOAST!!! Nobody will be able to come up with material for a Roast ... but a Toast ... I've given them a veritable Gold Mine of opportunities. I'd probably have enough for a book: "In The Age Of Quill." What do you think?"
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "I think you're delusional. They'll hang you from a yardarm. I'll bet you double or nothing on my allowance."
Poor Ol' Quill: "Roast or Toast ... you're on, daughter."
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "Well then ... My First Steemit Post Ever:
@savagekathryn: The ChillQuill ... Lights The Quill Grill.
Quill's Cheeky Daughter: "And Daddy ... no cheating. No trying to unduly influence people. Fair?"
Poor Ol' Quill: "I remember when you used to be such a nice little girl."
QuillFire Roast or Toast Contest
Alright ... Good Friends, here's the QuillDrill:
- You may create EITHER, but not both, a QuillFire Roast or a QuillFire Toast.
- Roast: If you decide to do a Roast, then create a post replete with all your moaning and groaning about how Quill has destroyed your life and inflicted unending suffering upon your soul. Given that it would be a Roast, it would have to be satirical in nature. FunFact: Satire is VERY DIFFICULT to get right. Humor is highly subjective and it's VERY EASY to bomb, thereby making an utter ass of oneself in public.
- Toast: If you decide to do a Toast, then create a post elevating your good and loyal friend, Quill. (And since it's a Toast, you'll get to drink wine. Bonus.) You may quote Quill's poetry, his erudite and inspirational comments and replies ... or whatever else moves you to tears of joy and/or poignance. As Shakespeare once wrote, "The world admires the magnanimous lion who forgives the ever-so-minor transgressions of his loyal and trusted friends." FunFact: Did you know that 'Will' rhymes with 'Quill?'
- POST YOUR Roast or TOAST on your own blog so that you, too, will have the opportunity to make some additional money. As your friend, this is very important to Quill.
- DROP A HYPERLINK of your Post in Quill's comments section so that everyone else can find it ... and see what a good and loyal friend you are ... and how lucky Quill is to have you. Remember what Quill always says, "Kindness Sharpens Kindness."
- UPVOTE this Post. Poor Quill is, well ... poor. And yet, despite his poverty, he is more than happy, indeed honored, to provide a substantial Prize Award to his ... Friends. That said, whatever upvotes he receives will help him to replenish his wallet ... and allow him to one day, eat. And, Katie's allowance isn't as big as one might hope.
- COMMENT on this Post. You know how Quill loves to hear from his Friends. Just seeing your name in the comments section is like a ray of warm sunshine. Quill LOVES you guys.
- RESTEEM this Post. Quill wants to make sure that the whole blockchain shares in this experience. This Contest ... is what Steemit could be. LOVE.
- The Prize Award will be as many SBI's as 25 STEEM will purchase, divided evenly amongst the Roasters, or the Toasters ... whichever there are more of (sorry for having finished a sentence with a preposition ... but Quill is actually ... very nervous).
- Sponsors ... if anyone would like to contribute to the Contest Award Pool, it will be used to increase the SBI Payout ... to Quill's Friends. And, it would be SO appreciated.
- Compilation Post ... part or all of Participant Posts will be compiled into a Composition Post at the end of the contest.
You guys know the QuillDrill. Be verbose ... but articulate.
And remember ...
Go Love A Starving Poet
For God's sake ... they're starving!