Break-ups, Industrial Clubs, and Life Changing Moments: It Takes Courage to Strive for Something Spectacular

Few people are lucky enough to be able to pinpoint the exact moment when they became truly happy. For some truly unexplainable reason, I am fortunate to be one of them. There are three moments in my life that I count as my happiest moments. The first two are the births of my son and my daughter. The third is possibly the most important. Without this moment, the other two would not have been possible. This life changing event consisted of one simple word passing through the lips of a 26 year old woman named Helen. Over the incredibly loud sound of pulsating Industrial music, I heard Helen say "Sure"... and my life was changed forever.

Many would assume that the question to which she responded was, "Will you marry me?" However, they would be wrong. There is much that must transpire before that particular question can be "popped". There are a lot of little questions that lead up to that ultimate one. For me, the most important of these was: "Will you go on a picnic dinner with me next Saturday night at 8:00?" My entire life changed for the better the second my future-wife answered that simple question with "Sure".

The spring of 1997 began with me breaking up with my high school sweetheart... again. Unbeknownst to me at the time, this would be our final split (thank goodness for the both of us). That relationship was plagued by so many immature mistakes. We had damaged it so much, that it had become toxic for both of us. Unfortunately, because we were young and did not truly understand what love was, we kept trying to hang on to a truly dead relationship.

It's scary being alone. Neither one of us was confident enough to face that fear until we mercifully reached our final breaking point. We both realized that the fear of the unknown and the possibility of living alone forever (boy were we young and stupid) was better than the certainty of being miserable together.

After this breakup, I was scared. I was nervous. I lacked confidence. These three traits really don't seem to attract women (can't imagine why). In order to take my mind off of these uncomfortable feelings, I spent a lot of time with my friends. We would go to Industrial clubs three or four nights a week to hang out. I loved dancing (especially to incredibly aggressive music). For me, dancing was a physical workout combined with emotional and mental escape. It was exactly what I needed.

I was a full-time student with a low paying job as a youth care worker at a children's home. I had average looks, drove a beat up car, and didn't have any money to wine and dine anyone. I didn't feel like much of a "catch", so I planned on just being alone for a while.

Despite this attitude, my buddies were working overtime to set me up with women. My roommates desperately wanted to prevent me from getting back together with my ex-girlfriend... like I had one hundred times before. Although I went on many first dates, I just didn't "click" with anyone. My friends would all joke that I would never go on more than one date with a girl because I was hoping to get back together with my ex-girlfriend. Maybe they were right. Or maybe I was just really picky. I had just spent eight years in a bad relationship. Because I didn't want to jump right into another bad one, I bailed out at the smallest sign of trouble.

She's not the one. Run away!

This pattern continued for around 3 months. I split time between first/last dates and hanging out at clubs with my friends. No matter which club we started at, we always ended the night at our favorite, The Vault. During this time, I kept seeing one woman at The Vault. It seemed like she were there as often as my friends and I were. She was incredibly gorgeous. She was so striking, that when she entered the dance floor, every guy in the place noticed her. She was five foot two with a few curves, amazing brown hair, and the biggest most beautiful brown eyes I'd ever seen. She wore very little makeup. In fact, I think the only make up she wore was a little eyeliner and some dark gothic lipstick. We were at a club, so she dressed a bit sexy but never trashy. And man did she know how to rock some black boots. Zoinks! If a Genie had appeared and asked, "Master, would you like me to create the perfect woman for you?"... this woman would be her.

Like everyone else in the club, I watched her dance as much as I could. Every once in a while, I tried to dance near her (Never with her mind you. You don't really dance "with" someone to Industrial music... too many arms and legs flailing). At the end of the night, like everyone else, I left without ever working up the courage to even say "Hi".

This sad routine continued for nearly two months. I'd see her two or three times a week, but I was always too intimidated to say anything. At some point toward the end of June, she and I began to make eye contact. I'd give her the "cool guy in the club" head nod and keep walking. Little did she know, after my nod, I'd walk just far enough out of her line of sight to make sure she couldn't see hyperventilate.

Eventually, I had an epiphany. I was wasting a ridiculous amount of time on this little game... especially considering there was no chance she'd be interested in me. Finally, I came up with a plan to end it. I'd actually speak to her. I wasn't motivated by the hope of her actually having any interest in me. Quite on the contrary. My brilliant idea was to speak to her and discover that she was boring, vapid, or mean. Then I could simply forget about her and move on.

My plan backfired as horribly as it possibly could have. She was smart, funny, and amazingly down to earth. She loved old movies, dancing, and industrial music. She was tough and independent, yet kind.

Inconceivable! She was perfect.

We continued talking at the club for a few weeks. I figured that at the very least, I had made a cool new friend... but I also knew that wasn't enough. I was torn. I could try and ask her out, but if she said "No", it would make things really awkward. In the event of that very likely outcome, I'd either have to face her a few times every week or give up going to my favorite club. Not only would I be risking my heart and my pride, I'd also be risking my safe haven. I could be jeopardizing my ability to gain physical, mental and emotional relief. I was terrified. It was too much to risk. After all, I was just some average looking guy with no money, a beat up car, and a ton of emotional baggage from a toxic long term relationship. I wasn't much of a "catch".

I chickened out.

Then one Saturday evening while working at the children's home, one of the residents approached me. He was extremely upset. The school year would be starting soon and he was going to be attending a new junior high. He was scared. He was nervous. He lacked confidence. What if no one liked him? What if he couldn't make friends? What if he wasn't smart enough? I sat down and gave that kid the pep talk of his life. I convinced him that he was a great kid and he just needed have confidence in himself. I ensured him that I believed in him and that I knew he would do well. I reminded him that he was smart, funny, and gosh darn it people liked him. The school would be lucky to have him.

By the time I was done with him, that kid was ready to take on the world.

After finishing up the night's paperwork, I jumped in my car and headed home to get ready to hit the clubs. On the ride home, I reflected on my conversation with the resident. It really was some of my finest work. I had convinced a scared thirteen year old to have faith in himself and to take a chance.

A scared thirteen year old could do it.

Then it hit me. The pep talk I gave that teen was the exact one I should have given myself months ago. I was wasting so much time. What if instead of meekly sitting back paralyzed by fear, I could have been spending all this wasted time forming a real relationship with my dream girl? What if I waited too long and someone else was smart enough to start one with her?

During that seemingly unending car ride home from work, I decided to follow my own advice to be courageous and take a risk. Playing it safe was going to lead down a path of missed opportunities and unfulfilled dreams. I was filled with a sense of urgency. I had to see her before this new wave of confidence wore off. I couldn't give the chicken in me time to fully wake up.

As fast as I could, I took a shower, got dressed and raced to The Vault. She was there. I have no idea exactly what a batter feels as he steps up to the plate with two outs in the bottom of the ninth with the score tied... but it seriously can't be much different than the feeling I had as I saw her that night. Excitement? That's close. Anxious? Maybe. Terrified? Absolutely. Pumped? Bingo! "Pumped" is the only word I can think of to describe my feelings. I was pumped. I was going to do this. I was going to take my shot in order to prevent having to live with the regret of "what could have been" for the rest of my life.

I casually strolled up to her, looked into her big beautiful brown eyes and said the most important words I had ever and would ever utter in my entire life. I courageously asked, "Will you go on a picnic dinner with me next Saturday night at 8:00?"

She said "Sure"... and my life has been filled with unbridled joy ever since.

A while later, she confided in me as to why she said "sure". I was the only guy who actually had the guts to specifically ask her out. Lots of guys were interested in her, but none of them ever took the full leap. They said very safe and noncommittal things like, "We should hang out sometime" or "Maybe we should grab a drink someplace" (Both of which were utterly ridiculous considering they were said while hanging out at a bar). My wife respected the way I asked... it also turns out she kind of liked me too.

That night taught me that if you want to be truly happy, you need to take chances. You can have a safe and mediocre life, or you can have a risky and spectacular one. Since that evening, I have taken chances in my personal life as well as at work. Some have paid off, others have not. But either way, I never go to bed thinking "What if?"

Instead, I go to bed happily lying next to the most wonderful woman in the world. A woman who is directly responsible for every good thing in my life. A woman who gave me two amazing children and sacrificed her career for six years in order to raise them. A woman who has stood by me and supported me when I took risks at work that blew up in my face. A woman who has given me the confidence to share my writing with others for the first time in my life. A woman who has taught me that you have to take risks if you want to be truly happy.

Am I happy I took the risk?

Sure.

All the images in this story are from the movie "The Princess Bride"(1987) produced by Act III Communications, Buttercup Films Ltd. and The Princess Bride Ltd.