I truly, deeply and completely love and accept myself (Realising the positivity within me) (My entry for the P.O.P. Contest #26)

I was making a list of positive changes I had undergone in the last five years. While it may seem, day to day, that progress is slow, in the world of CPTSD, burnout and anxiety, and that some days feel sluggish, I realise that I have healed so much and accomplished so much more than I could have anticipated.

The best part of it all, is while I had the best support around me, and excellent therapists, the hard work was all done by me and I was able to crawl back up that mountain. I'm still a good distance from the top, but I'm not at the bottom anymore. You see, it's the kind with a lot of places where I can rest, and it goes on forever, the sky is not the limit.

I am so grateful to see the progress in retrospect over a long period of time. Time. I have so much time for myself, for those whom I love, to do what I love. It's a wonderful luxury.

From 3 panic or rage attacks a day, to 5 a month, and then recently I realised I'd been having one every week and it felt like too much. It occurred to me that if that was too often, then I had had LESS than 5 a month for a little while, or at least that month. Yay!

I am no longer depressed! I celebrate every day the happiness I am feeling. And, I can now STOP an emotional flashback. Not all of them, of course, not yet, but some of them. Just bam, stop in its tracks and be like "no flashback, you will not trigger me today! I am safe now, I don't need these feelings that don't serve me."

Sometimes I feel as though I am progressing slowly on the entrepreneurial front, but let's see... Okay, almost ready to publish a book, managing two YouTube channels, growing steadily, even if 1 subscriber every 2 days, it's steady, accomplishing more projects, posting on Steemi :p hehe and making money doing what I love.

I don't work a slave job. I have no job, I have a lifestyle. I am co-creating my own reality. I've woken up to so many truths and learnt so much. I've also become a better wife and a better step-mother.

I tend to fall a lot into old thought patterns of self-loathing and I sometimes talk down on myself, I feel like a failure, with low self-worth. But I need to remember how far I've come. There has been so much negativity in my life that it is new to me to be so positive towards myself.

See, just now, old though pattern: "Why is Binky talking only positivity about herself? Sounds like self-promotion and she's all about herself right now." I need to silence that voice.

Let's put things in perspective. (And as an aside, this is for anyone who is new to reading my posts, and know that I in no way see myself as a victim anymore.) So the girl has CPTSD that hits her hard after years of numbing herself. She gets a burnout after some time, overwhelmed by a job that does not serve her, too many projects in too little time, and CPTSD symptoms from the abuse that she lived (sexual, verbal, emotional and psychological).

She realises she has been on and off depressed for years. She has dark thoughts, emotional flashbacks, self harms, sometimes thinks of death just to punish herself because of the rage she feels in revolt to her brainwash, trying to fight thoughts she seems to not be able to fight. Yes despite all that, she crawls back up, surrounded by love (husband, mom, siblings) and finds a way to focus and heals. She worries, an anxiety disorder made worse from the burnout, but she strives to achieve her goals and she thrives. She heals herself and find what is in alignment with her and follows that path. She find motivation and enthusiasm.

It has been over two years since I experienced any symptom related to depression. I know I am healed. While I may at times fall back into old patterns due to the CPTSD, it's not the same without depression, not as heavy. I have the life I want, and working on adjusting it to be even more what is best for me and how I want it. I'm getting there, emotional freedom, self-empowerment.

From self-loathing to self-love;
From self-neglect to self-care;
From confusion and enslavement to freedom;
From depression to happiness;
From self-punishment to self-acceptance;
From powerlessness and subservience to self-empowerment.

And no matter how I feel, good or bad, as I say during EFT: I truly, deeply, and completely, love, honour and respect myself! And that is the key to my positivity, to live within positive change and move towards total happiness .

So every time I fall down, every time things seem to plateau or regress, I remember where I am and where I am heading. And through it all...

I truly, deeply and completely love and accept myself.

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