Recapping Today in Trumpland: Three Assholes Down

It’s been a busy day in Trumpland, so we need to recap the day’s activities. Making America Great Again is a bundle of work. On that score, we have some exciting updates for you. Here are the day’s most important developments.

1.) Longtime Trump attorney Michael Cohen pled guilty to eight criminal charges involving tax fraud and campaign finance crimes. In doing so, he implicated the President of the United States. Cohen admitted conducting certain activities “in coordination and at the direction of a candidate for public office” (guess which one). That may or may not be connected with paying off porn stars.

2.) Eight seems to be the magic number. Also today, former Trump Campaign Chairman Paul Manafort (Trump’s top campaign official) was convicted in a Virginia court of eight counts of tax fraud, hiding foreign bank accounts, and bank fraud. And that’s just the state prosecution; stay tuned for his date in federal court next month, in which prosecutors have double the evidence.

3.) But that’s not all! A top Republican congressman and Trump ally, Representative Duncan Hunter (Republican from California) was indicted today by a grand jury along with his wife. The indictment alleges improper use of campaign funds, filing false campaign reports, and bank fraud. That seems to be a popular one today. Specifically, the Hunters are accused of having taken hundreds of thousands of dollars from campaign funds and spending them on personal uses, including vacations.

Today’s developments remind us of a quote from congressman Hunter that was supposed to have been private but was picked up on a hot mic. He said that Trump “is an asshole, but he’s our asshole.”

Ah yes, Mr. President, but what’s happening with your assholes? A ultra-successful businessman such as yourself obviously is a first-rate judge of character and surrounds himself with only the best people.

We hope you have enjoyed today’s update in this saga of making America great again. After all, there’s no better way to fulfill a campaign pledge of “draining the swamp” than by filling it with assholes. When 'truth is not truth' (as the President's current attorney said this week), then draining is filling and filling is...ah, who cares. Point is, you can't walk across this swamp without stepping on an asshole.