It was tucked into a pile of papers which, when shuffled, revealed the fear. Abandonment. This one is new for me.
It was a fog surrounding me, pouring out of my heart. I choked on it, covered my face to breathe in the middle of a meeting where everyone grew quiet with concern. Apologies were issued. So unexpected, that trigger.
I have always, always yearned to get away. But help is needed to parent and stay well. Help is needed and doors have been closing and I feel trapped in my life even though I am not trapped in my life and because I am trapped in my life. I have responsibilities.
The promise of relief is gone. The sea of must do is unending. And so swept in the wave of fear washing me in the tingling numbness of not okay.
I will be okay.
I am okay.
The fear is witnessed. Now the wound will heal.
Abandonment. So unexpected.
I know I am not alone.
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