The Commute - Haiku
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6 years ago in #poetry by raj808 (71)
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Yay ! It's so nice :D reading a haiku from my mentor :D
Hey pal how have you been?
I hope everything gets better with your mom!
You can always go in the chat if you need something!
Cheers!
Thanks buddy. Bit stressful at the moment, but things are only going to be getting better. I try to be positive as much as possible. Thanks for stopping by and checking out my first steemit post under 100 words long lol
The picture really helped me understand the haiku -
is a clever line, and can be taken into different contexts. The speed in which vehicles move appears to be blurred and bright like melted metal; but more importantly, the friction heats up the asphalt. Am I looking too deep? Haikus are always a struggle to capture a lot of essence in few words, but I do find that you do that well :)
Thanks for reading and taking the time to give meaningful feedback, you're not looking too deep at all @poetrybyjeremy. I thought it worked on a few different levels and it is gratifying to hear someone else agree. I think it is the job of all good poetry to condense meaning down into few words but Haiku even more than some other forms. To express the pictures that I had in my head writing this: it was inspired by the daily commute in my last job down the motorway where I live, creeping through traffic jams, then speeding on the less busy sections, I would always have music on the CD player 'metal box' which would make the time and the miles 'melt away'.
Now, I understand that much more! I was thinking somewhere along the lines that the 'steel boxes' where like containers on trucks. There is beauty to poetry in the interpretations. As having studied philosophy as my secondary area, I suppose it's natural for me to look deep into things. And welcome - meaningful feedback is what I'm used to doing :D
The lights are glowing in the dark,
The road is long,
You listen to that melody,
Till you run out of Asphalt,
You know it's time to rest,
Call it a day,
Not looking forward to your next journey.
Thanks for responding in poetry @nuridin. Ha ha you've really hit the nail on the head at the end:
At least that is how I feel often after a commute ;-)
Great haiku. I like the unusual 4/7/4 rhythm. You chose a great image to compliment it too!
Glad you enjoyed the Haiku @dmcamera. I decided to edit the poem after I double checked my syllable count as I thought it might be better keeping to form. What do you think? Does it still work? Thanks for checking out my blog buddy
It works very well! Not everyone agrees with the 5/7/5 form though, so you didn't have to change it. But I do like it! 😋
I love the imagery of the speed here and indeed the picture was a great help.
Haikus are difficult to do.
simplistic clarity , love it and the layout....
be well
@raj808