THE CANDLES - A Poetic Love, Life and Death Story
Giving me a flame so shinning and bright.
Watching me burn slow and steady,
And guarding my flame from the blowing wind.
But firmly to the ground they braced me from falling,
Burning out their wax to build up my base,
So I could stand and burn on my own.
And firmly I stood, burning and glowing,
With a beauty so great even from afar.
But rescue comes with support from their flames,
Making sure I burn healthy and steady,
While watching me often as I burn,
And hoping the ill flame was gone forever.
Needing my flame to give them more glows.
So sad were these days they glowed so weak.
But glowing like the sun I lit up their worlds.
Yet weaker they became and gradually flamed out.
Leaving my flame in solitude and despair.
But I wish you could see I have found a flame mate,
And flaming together we would light up another,
And nurture it just like you both nurtured me.
A new circle of life is about to begin,
And now is the time to flame up another.
Great thanks to the candles that gave me my flame.
Interesting! Are you open to feedback?
Sure, that is the best way to learn and grow in writing.
Between, I am happy you found this interesting. Thanks.
So you use a lot of repitition in this poem, but it doesn't feel like you're doing it to enhance the rhythm or put extra emphasis on certain lines, so it just comes off as awkward. To me anyway. It also almost seems like you're trying to rhyme in certain places here, which makes the parts where you don't rhyme seem odd.
The one place where the repetition kinda works is in the refrain. It's still a bit awkward though. I think it's because It's almost in iambs.
Here is a reworking of the refrain with, I think, a better rhythm:
What use a candle with no flame?
My thanks to those that gave their flame.
Honestly though I'm not sure that even works. Here's another option:
What use a candle with no flame?
My thanks to those that gave their name.
That preserves the rhyme of the refrain but prevents repetition.
Anyway, just some thoughts, please take all my suggestions with a grain of salt and my apologies if there was some meaning I missed or trampled on with these suggestions.
A million thanks @fromage. I appreciate your feedback.
I just edited it and I think it looks best this way. What do you think?
You pulled the refrain?
Well, it certainly cuts down on the repetition, heh.
I think on the balance it improves the poem. Glad to have been of some help!
Yea I pulled it. I have always had a second thought about it and you kind of resounded it.
Thanks again.
beautiful and uplifting :-) you definitely have a way with words!
Good to see you here again @xmarnarx88.
Thanks for your nice and encouraging words, it means a lot to me.
He is your permanent fan like me :) tick tock tick tok with flames of the candles anthoo poem rock:)
Great thanks to you and others who have made my flame shine so bright.
hey, as do yours @nicewoody69! uplifting people is something the world needs more of! :-)
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