So you use a lot of repitition in this poem, but it doesn't feel like you're doing it to enhance the rhythm or put extra emphasis on certain lines, so it just comes off as awkward. To me anyway. It also almost seems like you're trying to rhyme in certain places here, which makes the parts where you don't rhyme seem odd.
The one place where the repetition kinda works is in the refrain. It's still a bit awkward though. I think it's because It's almost in iambs.
Here is a reworking of the refrain with, I think, a better rhythm:
What use a candle with no flame?
My thanks to those that gave their flame.
Honestly though I'm not sure that even works. Here's another option:
What use a candle with no flame?
My thanks to those that gave their name.
That preserves the rhyme of the refrain but prevents repetition.
Anyway, just some thoughts, please take all my suggestions with a grain of salt and my apologies if there was some meaning I missed or trampled on with these suggestions.
Sure, that is the best way to learn and grow in writing.
Between, I am happy you found this interesting. Thanks.
So you use a lot of repitition in this poem, but it doesn't feel like you're doing it to enhance the rhythm or put extra emphasis on certain lines, so it just comes off as awkward. To me anyway. It also almost seems like you're trying to rhyme in certain places here, which makes the parts where you don't rhyme seem odd.
The one place where the repetition kinda works is in the refrain. It's still a bit awkward though. I think it's because It's almost in iambs.
Here is a reworking of the refrain with, I think, a better rhythm:
What use a candle with no flame?
My thanks to those that gave their flame.
Honestly though I'm not sure that even works. Here's another option:
What use a candle with no flame?
My thanks to those that gave their name.
That preserves the rhyme of the refrain but prevents repetition.
Anyway, just some thoughts, please take all my suggestions with a grain of salt and my apologies if there was some meaning I missed or trampled on with these suggestions.
A million thanks @fromage. I appreciate your feedback.
I just edited it and I think it looks best this way. What do you think?
You pulled the refrain?
Well, it certainly cuts down on the repetition, heh.
I think on the balance it improves the poem. Glad to have been of some help!
Yea I pulled it. I have always had a second thought about it and you kind of resounded it.
Thanks again.