Santa Claws Is Coming!

Santa Claws is coming, down from the chimney top
Bringing with warm tidings, and an elf or two to pop
Their guts across the ceiling, and their brains in your front lawn
To put their pinky fingers in each ear hole so you won’t hear what’s going on

He’ll drink your milk with gusto, and he’ll crunch those cookies too
Right after he introduces, poor Fido to his boot
Then he’ll shake all of the presents, until they rattle and they snap
All while cackling so maniacally, that it jiggles all his fat

And once the elves are pulverized and their blood is drained and pooled
All across the kitchen counter, amidst the sparkles and glue
Finally, Old Saint Dick can lay back and relax!
Put his feet up, toss a few of your favorite ones back

And who are you to say anything, anything at all?
To the king of the elf folk, the only one who’s tall!
And yes, to be sure, his claws are sickeningly sharp
You’ll notice just how so, when you see the curtains and the art

And the couch and wallpaper and of course the TV
Shattered all to pieces, filled to brim with feces
Is it the elves’ or his own, you can never be sure
Only that it’s stinky and green and comprised of reindeer

And your receipts, they will be used as toilet paper
Good luck now, returning that sweater!
But fear not, for the presents Claws brought, they will be much - much better!
Than any of the garbage that you’ve bought for each other

He’ll bring doohickeys and trinkets and yo-yo’s and toys
And things that will light up the faces of all good girls and boys
Like lighters, and matches, and cigarettes too!
Start ‘em young, says Claws, it’s what I would do

And in his satchel he’ll carry, diamond rings and fine broaches
But don’t blame him if the inscription lacks a certain emotion
And a yummy bone for poor Fido too!
I’m sure one left over from the elves would certainly do

And finally he’ll slink, out the way he had came
Propelled either by magic, or something much the same
Like a pulley system, that he rigged on the fly
To haul his fat ass from living room to sky

And he’ll cackle as he rises, jolly as can be
“Have a Merry Christmas”, he’ll shout while he pees...

Right down your chimney. Yup. Just for good measure

That’s right kids

Santa Claws is coming, don’t forget your umbrella!

Written and Illustrated by Matthew Munsey @matthewmunseyart

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