THE WAR UNDER MY SKIN - poem
“Under my skin there is a war
blood and body fighting against protozoa,
night and day they march restlessly
makes me feel like I'm on ecstasy;
numbing pain and burning twitches
remind me of ancient witches.
Here I am, empty pockets, not a dime
spent it all on pills for Lyme,
had to quit all sweets, smokes and wine,
pay attention to when or what I dine…
My world was so so fine without Lyme
the only culprit for this crime!”
Image source: Google Images
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Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to resteemit or upvote it!
Please leave your feedback in the comments, I would love to hear your thoughts!
@2018LaviPicu aka The Lyme Poet. All rights reserved.
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Beautiful poetry really flows well l but also full of emotion and feeling against Lyme so well done
tip!
@tattoodjay Thank you!
Your welcome 😎👍😎
@lymepoet Thank you for writing and sharing this lovely poem. I feel like it is playful and therapeutic of sorts. I really enjoyed these lines,
"empty pockets, not a dime / spent it all on pills for Lyme, / had to quit all sweets, smokes and wine, / [and ] pay attention to what and when I dine."
Those lines moved so free and "happy-go-lucky" but their content is depressing and anything but cheerful. I took this to mean that the writer, or the speaker in the poem is not looking at Lyme as a total devastation, but just the new reality that is their life, and they're happy to be alive. I feel like the tone and the rhyme set in relief the bleak realities of Lyme's shittiness.
There were two lines I think you can reword to improve their impact without changing too much about either their content or rhyme:
"Under my skin there is a war
fought most likely against protozoa"
Maybe you can change this to, "Under my skin there is a war, blood and body fighting against protazoa."
The other line I found awkward was,
"making me feel as being on ecstasy;"
The word order throws me off and it is difficult to understand. Simplicity is generally best, and when you read it aloud if it sounds awkward (which this does) it is often best to reword.
maybe, "makes me feel like I'm on ecstasy"
or "and its like being on ecstasy."
I hope you find some affectionate value in this feedback, and encouragement and hope. If you do have Lyme I'm sending my well wishing, good thoughts, and general support for a speedy treatment / cure.
Thanks again for sharing this poem! I look forward to any revisions if they come.
@Jocelynlily Hi! Once more, thanks for your valuable suggestions. I really appreciate it. Feedback is always welcomed. I will look into it and try to improve the poem. As you guessed it, I do have Lyme and I would like to thank you for your kind words for wishes.
Love your poem! Love poetry in general... May I post it on my FB Leila The Lyme Whisperer page? Would love to add some creative pieces about Lyme and would like to see the art community embrace it in painting, dance, poetry as well!
@Leilasun Thank you! Off course you can post it on your FB page! I will be honoured. I had posted it on several Lyme groups on FB. To be honest, I wrote quite a few poems on Lyme. Some I included in my books, others not yet.
Anyway you can check out my FB pages: Lyme Disease A-Z and LaviPicuAuthor or my poetry blog https://laviniapicu.wordpress.com/poetry/. You may enjoy reading other poems or some of my paintings.
I use art as pain management therapy.
I also wanted to let you know that when I saw your tagline, I thought it was for the trailer of the movie and almost did not read it as I have seen the movie and was not thrilled with it...maybe a dif tag line?
Very interesting, I did it. #thealliance sent me to say hi 👋🏻
@armshippie Hi back! Thanks for stopping by and your vote!